Too Much Nyquil + A Taxed System = This Post

One trip to San Francisco, two trips to meet with book clubs mere days after my return, and the price to be paid? The worst cold I have had. In my life. Ever. It's day three, and I've already blown through (literally) one entire box of tissues. I am eating crushed raw garlic, consuming more herbal teas than any human being should ever have to consume in his or her lifetime (plus any lifetimes after that), avoiding sugar and fried foods, drinking f*cking MUSHROOM BROTH (it is, indeed, as disgusting as it sounds), pounding the NyQuil, becoming intimate friends with both the Zicam and Coldeze fine family of products, and spending some quality time with myriad lozenges designed to dial the raging, raw pain in my throat down to a dull roar.

One of the lovely book clubs I met with.

Little did I know what wrath my immune system was about to release...

Dear Immune System: Yes, hello, Immune System? I would like to file a complaint in the category of "negligence." Where have you been the last week and a half?! It is AUGUST. This is not supposed to happen in the last few heavenly weeks of summer! Blowing one's nose 'til it is chapped is an activity best suited to January, in case you hadn't heard.

Dear Jess: Pot calling the kettle black much? I can't do the heavy lifting on my own, you know! Maybe a little less with the martinis and hiccups at the grand piano after a certain cocktail party and a little more time on the treadmill, a little more hydration at the end of the day?

Jess Replies: Did you not get the vitamins I choked down religiously on the trip??

Immune System: Uh, yeah. They were, like, A YEAR OLD! And try washing your hands more.

Jess: I ALWAYS WASH MY HANDS! I had something of a compulsive hand-washing thing going as a child, as a matter of fact.

Immune System: Oh, I remember that. You had the most chapped hands in your entire kindergarten class. Miss Barb even made an example out of you.

Jess: Thanks for the memories. Now please, shut your pie hole and go do your job.
~~~
I'm doing a reading and signing this Wednesday, August 13 at the Mequon location of Harry W. Schwartz Bookstores at 7 pm...if the virus continues to have its way with me, I should be nicely medicated, so it could be even more entertaining! Location: 10976 N. Port Washington Rd., Mequon, Wi.

Also, I'm still looking for entries in the Chicken Soup for the ____ Soul rejected book idea contest! You have 'til Friday to submit.