Nuts to You, FDA!

Doesn't Jim Packard look pissed? Like, 'Why is that a-hole taking my photo' pissed?

Well, I didn't make it onto the quiz, but we enjoyed ourselves nonetheless. On Sunday I did a little shopping, and I think I set a new record for unexpected spending in Target. I walked in with two things on the list (dish soap and face cream) and left with a cart stuffed with $300 in goodies, including a new duvet, bed skirt, and delicious sheets that will be perfect for summer.

The Set of Whad'Ya Know. We were slaves to that applause sign and loved every second of it.

Then I bought the most delicious pistachios in the world. I can't remember the producer, but they were "Salt & Pepper" flavored, and we inhaled them while watching Jim Gaffigan's new stand-up special. And when I say "inhaled," I really mean "inhaled." I swallowed one whole while laughing; there was a brilliant moment where I could have coughed it back up with much fanfare, or simply swallowed it in hopes that it would eventually find its way through to the other side.

My mental process went something like this:

Uh-oh, choking alert! Whole pistachio-in-shell at back of throat! Swallow or Cough? Swallow or cough!?

This Jim Gaffigan special is pretty hilarious. If I cough, I could miss some funny things. But if I swallow the pistachio whole, it might get stuck in my intestines and block my next few meals better than a pair of Blublockers blocks....uh, the color blue.

Ohmygod, which Bush choked on a peanut? Or was it a pretzel? That was pretty hilarious. At least I'm in the comfort of my own home here.

It all happened pretty fast and that nut went down large and in charge. And today I read that it will probably give me salmonella.

Tainted nuts. Again. FDA, why must you rain on my parade? Here is a healthy snack my husband loves and is willing to consume in vast quantities. So what do you do? Declare it tainted.

This photo was taken from the second story of the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art looking down on State Street. Yes, that is some dude wearing a pterodactyl costume. Every so often a gaggle of girls would run by, screaming, and he'd give chase. I'm not sure what it signified. Either they were promoting an upcoming theater performance, or this is how they like to spend their Saturdays. Dressing like a pterodactyl or running from a dude dressed like one.

It makes you want to clean in heels and pearls

New things! First, because the thicket of dog hair in our house had gotten knee-deep due to our vacuums sucking because they no longer suck, I caved and bought the Cadillac of Vacuums: the Dyson DC 25 Animal Hair model ... with the purple ball.

(Doesn't it just sound funnier when you add, "With the purple ball" ?)

Let me tell you. It pained me to part with $550* for a VACUUM. Mostly because what kind of idiot pays $550 for something that SUCKS? Well, in this instance, I am proud to be that kind of idiot. Because in our tiny house, with a floorplan the size of your average Twister mat, I had to empty the canister for the Dyson DC 25 SIX TIMES during my cleaning session. It picked up so much dog hair I could have knit a cruise ship cozy with that mess. (I actually considered photographing Daisy next to that dirty mountain of dog hair to illustrate my point, but it ended up grossing me out too much.)

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Our previous vacuum would go without a bag change for more than sixTEEN sessions. Mostly because we could no longer find the bags for it (and/or we were cheap and/or lazy). But Dyson? You and your adorable little purple ball have won the dust bunnies in my heart right on over. We will shuffle our rubber-soled slippers over the carpet to collect tenacious tumbleweeds of dog hair no more!

Second, I have planted seeds! They are basking beneath the warm, purple glow of flourescent lights as I write this. And I did join a local CSA, which I am thrilled to learn produces cheddar and purple cauliflowers. If I had room for a large garden, I would totally plant that. I would also plant cinderella pumpkins and sweet potatoes and edamame and fancy melons.

Now the trick will be COOKING all of these lovely veggies, since we are considering a major kitchen remodel this summer.

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Hot plate in the garage, anyone?

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I grew up with our family home in a constant state of remodel, so I am no stranger to DIY improvisation. For example, when I was in junior high, I was once or twice forced to wash my hair on the front lawn with the garden hose because the kitchen and bathroom were ripped apart.

There will be no lawn hair washing this go-round (although I can't speak for my neighbors), but there may be much eating and dishwashing in the living room. Good thing I now have that Dyson.

PS: Don't forget to listen to Whad'Ya Know this Saturday morning! We'll be in the audience, and I will try my hardest to play the quiz on the air. The show will be broadcast live from the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art, which is featuring an exhibit on the presentation of evil as visualized by modern artists. J is thrilled, to say the least.

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*What sealed the deal: No bags, filters, or belts to replace EVER, plus a five year warranty. Plus, you get that cute little purple ball.

Spring State of Mind

My right ovary feels weird.

Now there's a sentence you will never hear a man saying, even if you substitute "ball" for "ovary."

Still, it is not preventing me from enjoying the balmy, HIGHLY unseasonably warm weather we've had the last few days. I am jonesing for spring the way Andrew Zimmern joneses for a still-beating animal heart to consume on television.

Since I'm all in a spring state of mind and feeling a bit better, I am looking forward to actually leaving the house once in awhile to participate in entertaining events. Unfortunately, the two most-wanted activities on my List O'Fun have been thwarted: A Prairie Home Companion at the Fox Cities PAC, and Flight of the Conchords in Milwaukee.

SOLD OUT!

Urgh. I feel like a Jeopardy contestant with a lazy thumb. (Damn you speedy ticket buyers!!) I did find a few sites where I could buy tickets for the Flight show at massively inflated prices, but didn't those a-holes get the memo that the economy is in the shitter? So, instead we're going to Whad'ya Know ("Not much! You?") with Michael Feldman on March 28. Five bucks a ticket. I'll try to get on the show, so listen in!!

I also get to spend this weekend with my nephew, who is more fun than a barrel of gravy-scented wombats. He will probably kick me in the shins if I still can't play horsey-ride-on-the-knee with him by then, so fingers crossed I escape his adorable, disappointed wrath.

Heal little ovary, heal! Stay AWAY from the light!

While my lady bits are healing, I will continue to meet with awesome book clubs like the one below. (I am the sickly-looking one in the middle.)

I Made Lentil Loaf for Lent

The title of this post? It kind of represents the height of excitement in my life at the moment. Are you thrilled yet? I know MY pulse is racing! (Or maybe that's my medication...)

Here I am, healing like crazy over here. One of my wounds is right over my belly button, and anyone who knows me will tell you that I absolutely DETEST being touched anywhere near my bellybutton. Unfortunately, right now it feels like a small troll is living directly beneath my button incision, poking my button with his little troll pitchfork.

The rest of me is just kind of slow. Would you believe I MISS working out? At this rate, I fear I won't be able to touch my toes again 'til August.

Baby steps. I met with a phenomenal book club last night, and I'm going to plant some seeds this weekend and set up my cute little indoor greenhouse. Do I know how to party or what?!?!

While I do boring stuff like heal and read, check out these amusing links:

Dogs Dressed Like Bees

Cats in Sinks

Fat Mice

A Squirrel with Over 2,000 Costumes

As soon as Daisy decides to cooperate, I'm going to start my own site called "Dogs Pissed Off at the Television (With Occasional Outbursts Directed at the Stereo, Toys, Husbands, and Cheeky Bastards Who Have the Nerve to Walk Their Ugly Dogs Past My House)."

It'll be a long link, but luckily, some genius invented copy and paste. Where would we (a dog dressed like a) bee without it?

No Pain, No Gain....Um, Right?

Thanks for the love, everyone. I am still shuffling around doing the Funky Invalid (hey, could be the latest dance craze). Not very fond of my pain meds, as they allow my bowels to express themselves about as freely as a gay democracy activist in China.

Free Tibet!

But I digress. Have I mentioned how much I miss fried foods? I did break down yesterday and ate two homemade pierogies fried in butter and doused in sour cream (thanks to the best MIL ever!). I'm back on the high fiber train now, but still--the inactivity + pain meds....um, they are doing scary things to my food processing system. I fear that I may....oh, this is embarrassing....have my first hemorrhoid.

I haven't looked, mind you. I am a galloping mess downstairs and am preferring to keep all reflective devices far away from said area. So, perhaps I'm overreacting. (Not me, right?)

So while my insides knit themselves back together, I'm watching too much television (I believe I've now seen every episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay) and I've just started reading Joshua Ferris's Then We Came to the End. Everyone who has ever worked in corporate culture should read this book. Or, anyone who has ever WORKED. At all, really.

It has also been over a week since I've sneezed--I'm doing my best to keep them at bay lest I rip something now tenuously cobbled back together, but MAN is this hard.