Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The kind of post I write when I’m feeling surly

On Saturday we attended the Great Lakes Brewfest with some good friends. And if I take anything away from the day, it is this: when the temperature is below sixty degrees, it may not be a good idea to wrap a satin table runner into a tube and wear it as a jazzy skirt with tap shoes. If you do, I’ve-Seen-Dental-Tape-Wider-Than-That-Skirt Girl, it’s a good idea to continue shaving up past your knees. Remember, this is Wisconsin in September. We will clearly see how far that razor jogged north before getting winded and turning back in defeat. And put some socks on, while you’re at it. Those shoes look terribly painful. No, really. They have both heels and laces, so I really think socks would be appropriate. Why stop now?

Here’s something else! Say there, fellow standing in line to urinate. Why the red contacts? You are scaring me and our fellow festival-goers! This is not Halloween. It is not a gathering for Druids with severe hay fever. It is a celebration of artisinal beers and fried cheese! Of merriment and mirth! Look there, young people wielding humorous back scratchers featuring tiny hands! Amusing giant hats! But not you, Mister Red Eye. Are you that much a fan of raspberry hued daily living? Do you like your humanity in shades of scarlet? Are you really a minion of Satan who is simply not above humble human activities like standing in line with the rest of the herd to break the seal in a public urinal? Those are things to work on, Red Eyed Underling to Beelzebub. Maybe you should send your boss some candy for Boss’s Day and he’ll give you amazing Bottomless Bladder and Instant Line-Jumping abilities. I hear he likes red hots.

And you there—girl in the “Beer Chick” shirt. It’s pink, and I appreciate a nice pink t-shirt. Pink is girly, pink is fun, pink is the Best Of Red and White, the Atlantic Years. But really, your presence at an event dubbed “Brewfest” is more an indicator that you are indeed a fan of the malted barley and hops than your “Beer Chick” t-shirt. What’s next? A black shirt reading “Funeral Chick” when a beloved great aunt dies? “Grocery Store Chick” stretched over your bosom when you run out of toilet paper, kitty litter, bologna, and capers? Maybe you could layer shirts, depending on your day’s itinerary. You could start with “Breakfast Chick,” peel it off at ten a.m. for “Playing Solitaire at Work Chick,” pull that one over your head to reveal “Drives like an Idiot Chick” for the commute home, and end the day with “Lean Cuisine and Scrubs Chick.”

So those were the things I took away from Brewfest, plus some delicious cheese curds that have already made a new home on my thighs. (I try to be accommodating to my snack foods. Help them move, provide transportation, sit very still so as not to jostle the metamorphosis from delicious foodstuff to bouncy little mustard-colored fat cell.)

Whew. I feel better now. Next week I’ll have some recipes and maybe even a special taste-testing photo essay. You’ve been warned.

17 comments:

  1. Brewfest sounds cold--it's below 60 there already? It also sounds rather scenic :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious! I need to find the "Playing Solitaire at Work Chic" shirt for one of our unit clerks at the hospital. Perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Druids with severe hay fever

    Hahahahahahahahah!

    ReplyDelete
  4. these "chicks" can also be found at our local state fair complete with carrying their motley crue mirrors and overstuffed teddy bears.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "I hear he likes red hots." Bwahaha!

    I am having a serious cheese curds withdrawal. The Husband and I usually head up to Door County about this time of year to celebrate our anniversary and take in a Packers game. Of course we stop to get a few packages of cheese curds at various spots along the way. This year we aren't going because we had to spend our money on two trips to weddings - one in NY and one in SF. I am so bummed. I need my cheese curd fix.

    Hmmm. I wonder if you can order those babies online...

    ReplyDelete
  6. But where SHOULD I wear my beer chick t-shirt if not to a beer festival?
    The lady in the small dress with the unshaved legs - hahahahah! Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "It is not a gathering for Druids with severe hay fever."

    HHAA!! We used to refer to something else as "red eye". I haven't seen it in quite some time though. Although, I do wipe it everyday. Some days more than others. And I have a feeling that my version and his version have a lot in common.

    And how much do I want to go with you next year???

    Lots, lady.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really wish someone could invent a sound device so the writer of blogs could hear the actual howling coming from my mouth as I read:

    FUNERAL CHICK.

    I am still freaking cracking up!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am cracking up! I think I'll foever pass on a Brewfest...red eyes and all sorts of chicks give nightmares.

    LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  10. i need to get a Drunk Chick shirt made for when I go out on the weekends. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. What I wouldn't give to attend an event such as this with you. It would make the long lines for the porta potties so much more entertaining.

    Now I'm off to custom order my MILK CHICK T-shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Funny funny stuff.

    This kind of edginess makes me think you may have written this immediately following the festival. Or perhaps at the festival itself?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wait.....

    cheese curds???

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mmm. Beer and cheese. Maybe the girl could have had a t-shirt that said, "Artery Clogged Girl."

    Beer and cheese - the two reasons diets never work for me...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Funny, but we really should have a beerfest down here in Brewtown. Oh wait. Every day is beerfest. And cheesefest. And carb fest. All you want, all the time.

    Just stopping by to say hi to all of my favorite bloggers!

    Go Brewers! (Seems like an appropriate team cheer in light of your post.)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Maybe your next book should be "Cruising the Brewfest with Larry Resnick"? I'd buy that.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Last time I went into the Smoothie King by our house the kid waiting on me was wearing red contacts. I couldn't look him in the eyes without having my own eyes water. You have to wonder about someone who needs that kind of attention.

    ReplyDelete