But How Did They Get Here?

It's Wednesday for another thirty minutes or so, but I thought I'd celebrate with a new list of random Google searches that lead unsuspecting Internet users to my little blog. Let us begin!

1) "Will earwigs ever leave the home?"

No. But you can encourage them to leave by no longer purchasing their favorite breakfast cereals, folding their laundry, paying their cell phone and insurance bills, or continuing to subscribe to gourmet cable.

2) "Bodyworlds exhibit large penis"

Well, I'm sorry to say you won't find any at the exhibit I visited. But you will find a few gray Brillo pads, new tattoo ideas, and renewed interest in eating right and exercising.

3) "heat meister and jack frost theme song"

Great. Now I want to Google this so I remember what the lyrics are.

4) "the secret to clear iced tea," "advanage the wonder cleaner," and the "well you know my name is simon song"

These are perennial search favorites that lead people to my blog. Mostly because I actually wrote posts about all three, back in 2006 when I was trying really hard to be funny (and failing spectacularly). I also wrote a great post that year about Ric Ocasek's creepy dry lips in "You Might Think," but nobody's looked for that yet.

5) "childless thirtysomethings" and "making friends after college"

Oooh! We need to hook up, people using these search strings. Seriously.

6) "funny synonyms for anus"

Ahem. How about Food Exit Portal? Brown star? Play-Doh Spaghetti Factory? Cracker compactor? Corn car tunnel? Cheese squeezer? Dakota Fanning's Hoodie?

7) "value of humiliation"

My, have you come to the right place!!

Or, you could go to Betty Confidential, because the always awesome Manic interviewed me and we're giving away a couple of signed 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or maybe even 4th editions of Driving Sideways! You don't know WHAT you're getting! Except my book, and it will be signed, and I might draw a penguin in it. Or an old lady with glasses and three chins. (Those were my two 'signature' cartoons in high school.) I think you have through the weekend to enter. "Go do it, and be successful with it." (In an Eastern European accent.)

If you can name the show that line is from, I will send you a special prize.