Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fall Down Go Boom

Monday after work I was walking down Main Street from my office to the parking ramp and at one point in my ambulatory motion my right foot forgot how to cooperate with the rest of my body. My heel buckled, and down I went. It was a slow, horribly awkward descent in which I struggled to regain my balance, grappled fruitlessly at the window of the antique store I was passing, but ultimately lost my battle with gravity and fell to both knees, bags flapping onto the dry, smooth sidewalk.

I skinned both knees through my jeans. Probably a hundred people saw my graceful performance, which I hope to reprise again never. My first thought was, Thank God I'm not eighty. You can seriously fuck your shit up when you come crashing randomly down onto the hard sidewalk at eighty! We're talking double knee replacement. Shiny new plastic hips. Months of rehab with an oily ponytailed therapist named Barry.

Other than wiping out in front of an audience of strangers, I am mourning the death of Bea Arthur yet celebrating the inclusion of a new recipe in my repetoire--Sweet & Sour & Hot Noodles, courtesy of Vegan Dad. I subbed a red pepper for the green and added chopped kale to make up for drinking too much wine on Friday night. I'm also thinking of renaming it So Delicious It Will Make You Forget Bea Arthur Died. J's verdict? "Not bad, but a little slimy." Where J is from, "slimy" actually means "lip-smacking." Because he DID have seconds. Tonight I tried Vegan Dad's crispy cajun chickpea cakes. Divine alliteration on a plate.

When I was a kid I HATED pineapple in Asian dishes, and I have bitter memories of sitting at my cold, congealed plate for hours until I ate all of my sweet and sour pork. Back then, I basically hated anything that didn't include sodium nitrate, artificial cheese flavor, or Red #40 as an ingredient. Guess my taste buds are all growed-up, Maw!

On the "raw materials" front, my seedlings are going great guns: strawberries, three kinds of heirloom tomatoes, sunflowers, tropical milkweed, Texas sage, petunias, five types of herbs, ground cherries, swiss chard, spinach, lettuce, and hot peppers. I am incredibly antsy to plant these babies outdoors, mostly because the tomatoes are so large they are actually scaring me a little.

I will not, however, be planting them in a "Topsy Turvy" tomato planter, because despite my proclivity to trip and fall in busy public areas, I do have a few scraps of dignity.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Dude, that's a really interesting comment above.

    FALL DOWN GO BOOM. I don't think we'll forget me falling down and tripping over our gardener while going commando and flashing him. In my own building. Just yesterday one of the tenants here said, "You have to admit that was funny." I grudgingly agreed.

  3. Oh, falling down in public. There's not much worse. Glad you weren't seriously injured.

  4. Hello.

    I am doing a book report about your book.

    I absolutely love it so far.

    I was wondering if you could give me some background information about yourself. Just like stuff about you. 15 facts or something like that. =D

    thank you.

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. Dude - Barry is hot.

    Sorry your all banged up!
    The Big Guy has been yammering on about the topsy tomoato tree for weeks now. We haven't purchased it, but its become an item of lust in our house.

  7. SPAM!!! I have evaded it for so long...and it finally caught up to me.

    D, if you guys buy the topsy turvy, let me know how it works.

    Suzy, your gardener will never forget that incident. Probably made his day.

    Shelly: me too!

  8. Mary Zuelke9:11 PM

    Hi Jess-
    Hey, my physical therapist actually does have a ponytail, but his name is Kyle. I think I might call him Barry tomorrow just for fun. Glad you're ok. If you DO need any PT, let me know and I might be able to get a bulk discount.

    ~Mary Zuelke

  9. Please don't waver on the pineapple. It is Satan's fruit and if enough of us stick together we can rid the universe of this menace.