Friday, February 04, 2011

Coming up for Air

FIRST, we are still trying to sell the house. I’m starting to feel quite demoralized by the whole thing. Every post-showing feedback hammers the same thing, which is the same thing I detest about the upstairs layout. I KNOW, people! It’s not a surprise. I’d like realtors to get a little creative with the feedback. Instead of saying, “buyers felt the layout of the upstairs bathroom / bedrooms was a little odd,” how about this: “What ass-nugget thought it would be a good idea to carve a hole in the drywall around the toilet tank? And why do we have to walk THROUGH this bathroom to get to the other bedrooms? Welcome to the favela! You poor people. That bathroom left us with night terrors and semi-permanent retinal damage after just ten minutes of exposure; we can only imagine what ten years of bathing and shitting in that nightmare have done to YOU!”

It acknowledges the issue in a creative way, while imparting a level of sympathy and humor that make the entire situation more palatable. Let’s ENJOY the ridiculousness of my bathroom layout, shall we? Let’s track down the “contractor” who did this and subject him to a series of humiliating and professionally devastating punishments! I don’t know what those are yet, but I’m taking suggestions and would love it if they involved duct tape, a blimp, and the delivery of three hundred pepperoni pizzas.

We got a call last night at NINE O’CLOCK to request a showing for TODAY. Who are these inconsiderate scrotums? We have been on the market for six soul-sucking, hope-draining months; why the sudden urgency that shows no consideration for the fact that we need at least a day’s notice to clean and make arrangements for the dog? Or maybe we could just leave her in the house during their visit; she’s been eating her own shit lately, and I have no qualms about her licking people who demonstrate this kind of douchetastic behavior.

SECOND, I just learned yesterday that all of my remaining grant projects are due in April. One of them will be more than a hundred pages long, requiring the kind of intense organization, research, multi-partner planning, literary puffery, bureaucratic double-speak, and grinding budget development that make me want to throw a nuclear tantrum, drink scented bleach, and claw my eyes out with a potato peeler. Not necessarily in that order. If I make it to May, there will be tulips in bloom, but I may bear a striking resemblance to Gollum.

THIRD, I am still awaiting the verdict on my latest book proposal. It’s truly a paralyzing moment, and I am actually strangely grateful for all of the recent stresses of my day job. Nothing distracts you from obsessing over this kind of thing like a stack of work that makes you want to claw your eyes out with a potato peeler and/or drink scented bleach.

So that’s my life lately. Oh, I also convinced myself I had pancreatitis this week, and was nearly bed-ridden for three days with the distended, tender belly of a refugee. I will never eat half a pizza followed by seven pickles again.


  1. Oy vey, Jess. Hard to know what to say, as it seems as though you're pretty overwhelmed. Here's a try:

    1) SURELY there is a cool buyer out there who is going to view the unusual floorplan upstairs as charming and quirky. Out there, somewhere. Sure of it.

    2) Lots of coffee during the day. Lots of beer (or wine) at night. Oh, and chocolate. Gotta have chocolate.

    3) This is a gimme. Good news is just around the corner. :-)

    And, as for pancreitis...I think I'd take food baby over that any day.

    Good luck!

  2. Oh good lord Jess, I read this on goodreads and had to come over and give you a high five for creative writing and making me sure we could never sell our house. You just tell it so well, the entire horrible drama!!
    Good luck, selling the house, writing the grants and selling the new book......You crack me up!!

  3. Oh, that sounds awful! I hope that these people will at least be considerate enough to buy your house, even if they didn't give you advance notice of the showing. I mean, there must be something to it or you wouldn't have bought it, right?

  4. Jess, why aren't you on Twitter? I brow beat Eileen Cook into it, you're next!!!

  5. Hi Jess,

    It's been too long! You are busy, I'm busy, but I give you credit for keeping you hilarious blog alive. I've been quiet in the blogosphere but hope to be back... Remembering my four posts a weeks days. No more of THAT!

    You always make me laugh.


  6. Ugh. At the worst, when our place was on the market, we would get calls that said, "we'd like to see your place. When? Is 10 minutes enough notice?" Ugh. We had people come in, sit on our sofa, and say, "We're going to buy this house. No matter what it takes, we'll make this happen." Then....NOTHING. No offer. I've lost all hope of ever selling, and my sadness comes from the distant future, when I've broken a hip and can no longer handle the stairs, thus reducing our 1200 square feet into 600, with no shower or bath. Good times ahead.

    Regarding pizza and pickles, sadly, the same can be said for cranberry sauce and champagne. Consider yourself warned.

    Oh, and the book...GOOD LUCK!

  7. I can always count on you to make me laugh! As far as the house goes . . . keep the faith!