Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Only Good Filling is Cream Cheese

I am swimming in grants right now but took time from my schedule to visit Emo Dentist this morning. Emo Dentist looks like Justin Bieber, only with a full head of gray hair. I saw him shopping at Festival Foods once and had to do a double-take (“Is that 40 year-old Justin Bieber? No, it’s just the guy who nags me to floss more.”)

My old dentist moved to Arizona two years ago and sold her business to a new team of dentists, and things have changed a bit. Now, I get to wear a pair of ugly sunglasses when I have my teeth cleaned. I suspect this is so I’m not blinded by the light that illuminates every stain and stipple of plaque. I’m always tempted to ask, “Does this mean my future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades?” And then my mild-mannered hygienist would probably spray me in the eye with a blast of air.

So this morning, after my hygienist told me I looked an awful lot like the fourth wife on Sisterwives and subjected me to my annual dose of radiation through an endless series of X-Rays, they found a suspicious, shadowy area between two of my teeth. Who knew that as you got older, your teeth developed sketchy alleys with busted streetlights and germy hooligans lurking behind the dumpsters?

Emo Dentist seemed a little gleeful about it all: “See what happens when you don’t floss? Now you get to pay some handsome out-of-pocket bullshit for a filling. What flavor do you want? Mercury or bisphenol-A? Brain or endocrine damage?”

(Damn you, Lazy Not-Flossing Jess!)

Anyway, despite the shadowy area that is either a cavity or hang-out for n’er do wells, the appointment was decent enough. The hygienist didn’t make my gums bleed, which is always a plus, and Emo Dentist hummed part of a Styx song while he examined my mouth. I’m going to assume he was just absently humming to whatever was streaming from the speakers above, because if he really is a Styx fan, I may have to sever the relationship.

I’ll be back to see Emo Dentist again in a month for my filling and more awkward small talk. In the meantime, I’ll be dragging my ass toward the finish line for my last grants of the season.


  1. LOL! Good luck with the filling and with getting all your grants done! Last time I was at the dentist the hygienist gave me the floss pep talk. "Give it thirty days," she told me. "Then you won't be able to go without flossing at least once a day! In fact, you'll want to floss at LEAST twice! Really!" Um, no. But I've been very diligent about flossing every evening, and while I'm still resistant it's not awful. It might even be worth it if it means I avoid all that pressure to floss. Or maybe she'll try to get me to floss multiple times a day instead of just once, which means my efforts at avoiding a lecture have been totally wasted.

  2. Heeh, your story made me laugh. LOL @ the 40-year old Justin Bieber! Haha! Flossing is, indeed, a good way to clean our teeth of debris which can get stuck between our teeth. Brushing can only do so much, after all.