Friday, February 03, 2012

It's 420, Baby!

My 420th post, specifically. Whoo-eee!

I'm feeling really old and mortal these days. This morning I sent J this text: "I just counted 10 squirrels out the window, including a little blond one! :-)"

J: "Wow, popular place!"

Me: "They're racing all around. Lol."

Yeah. I even added the 'LOL.' So it's come to this. This will probably be the highlight of my Friday. It's sad, is what it is.

Last night while watching TV, a commercial for the Medical Alert system came on. I sighed and said to J, "If we don't have kids, one day I'll have to ask my siblings which one of them would like to be the primary contact for my Medical Alert system."

He found this hilarious. I did not.

The worst part is, I'll be fortunate to live that long and to even afford a Medical Alert system in 2052. I sure hope they still have a functional electrical grid and Social Security in 2052, otherwise I won't be able to use my system. I might even be dying in a gutter somewhere, hit by a hover-car on my way to buy more cat food. And I won't even have a cat.

I spoke with my agent yesterday--the novel is still out on submission, though if it were up to me, I'd multiply the number of editors that currently have it by eight. I would carpet-bomb New York City with it, put it on billboards, print it on Starbucks coffee sleeves, hire Joe Pesci to do my follow-ups in person. That would get some shit done.

I've been having heart arrhythmias lately, and thanks to an article in the latest Shape magazine, I'm convinced I'm going to die by Memorial Day. Why do they print articles about cheeky young spin class instructors who have arrhythmias 1% of the time only to find out they've developed enlarged hearts and need a transplant or they're going to die!?!? Why, Shape magazine, WHY!?!?! Is this responsible journalism? I'm thinking of submitting an idea for a story called, "One Day You'll Get in a Car and Have an Accident." Or maybe, "There are Polyps Growing in Your Colon (And They're Going to Kill You)."

*sigh* Well, all I can do is distract myself with another grant. The good news is that this time, it's for myself. A prestigious literary support grant. Total long-shot, but ever since I won a $50 grocery sweepstakes last year, I'm convinced that hey, you don't win if you don't try!

So go try something today. Be a winner.


  1. Mudcatster11:28 AM

    Are you really getting a transplant? Should we send flowers or just some ferny thing?
    Hope your next book at least comes out before you go under...possibly forever. And by the way, I think you'd be doing yourself a favor by buying one of those flying human thingees and advertising around NYC with it.
    Just some thoughts. Love you.

  2. I don't think you're old enough but peri-menopause causes heart palps. It's so much fun to age as a woman!!

  3. "I just counted 10 squirrels out the window, including a little blond one! :-)"


    Congrats on shopping the novel - I look forward to reading it. I loved your first one!

  4. No transplant, mudcat. (Unless I need one because I'm dying.) Thanks for the good wishes, though!

    Suzy, the thought did occur to me. I can't even think about perimenopause yet. Noooooooo!!!

    Thanks, Quirky! I love your name.

  5. Well good luck with the novel!!

    Do you write grants for a company or for yourself?

  6. Pish, I write grants on behalf of school districts that buy my services through a "co-op" agency, effectively. So, for a company.

    But I am working on a literary grant right now in my free time (ha) that's just for me. :)

  7. Oh silly Jess! You're not aging THAT fast! :) Glad to hear your new book is out for bid; I'm sure it will be on Kindle before we know it. Drink your Boost and write your next posts ;)

  8. Congratulations on your 420th Post :) There is no need to worry about time that is passing by quickly, just worry about are we sending our time on useful things, or do we have our priorities in life right... This is what we all need to worry about!!