Okay, I am NOT going to post anything about how hot it's been lately, because you'd have to be living in a movie theater in Nome, Alaska not to have either experienced this misery firsthand, or read about it online, or watched ongoing coverage of it on the numerous ADD cable news channels that purport to keep us informed. All I'm going to say about this heat is that it resulted in a very peculiar symptom for me. That is, I watched the beginning of an old MacGyver rerun in which MacGyver attempts to befriend a motley troup of teen gang leaders stranded in the wilderness by ... baking them brownies in a rock oven.
I'm not joking. Now, had it not been so hot, I wouldn't have been prostrate on the couch, sweating from even my fingernails, and I may have missed this pinnacle of entertainment.
Today there was a domestic disturbance across the street which resulted in a visit from a Man in Blue. It was an incredibly unsettling verbal and physical altercation between our new wheelchair-bound neighbor and his teenage son, culminating in the son shouting at his father, "F*ck you, punk-ass bitch!" before running off behind the house.
Who needs Jerry Springer? Just come over to my house. We'll put some lawn chairs out front and I'll make popcorn. No, actually, maybe I just need to bake that kid some brownies in a rock oven. That'll settle him down. MacGyver knew, man.
Honestly, it's like living next to an active volcano.
In other news, our driveway is almost finished, an adorable family of baby finches (brood #2 for the season!) has hatched in one of the hanging baskets on our porch, I'm making progress on the revisions, and if you missed Amy Sedaris & her tumbling routine on The Colbert Report last night, you missed a good chuckle. I'm almost finished with Melissa Bank's The Wonder Spot, and now thanks to Jen Weiner's blog, I have discovered Jonathan Tropper.
Like I need any more ways to procrastinate on writing the difficult new scenes.
Speaking of which, I need to return to the muse before she calls me a punk-ass bitch and runs off behind the house.
UPDATED TO ADD: I have to put in a plug for fellow writer Diana Peterfreund, whose debut novel Secret Society Girl launches today... how exciting is that? Diana is an awesome, talented, and hard-working gal. She coordinated the Stiletto contest the year I entered and has said very kind things about Riding with Larry Resnick on her blog. Let's help this woman reach the top of the bestseller lists. Go, buy, read, enjoy! Off to order my copies.
I'm not going to brag or anything, but it's not terribly hot in Seattle. I bet it only gets to 75 today, but highs in the 90s are expected this weekend.
ReplyDeleteIs Springer still on tv? Can they still throw punches? Is the audience still as dumb as those that appear on stage?
Oh my. Love thy neighbors. NOT.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up re Melissa Bank!
Aren't neighbors great? Ours quite regularly air their dirty laundry, one following the other all over the backyard as they shout about who does/did more drugs, who slept with whose best friend, who locked whom out of the house (and who broke in to get to her), etc. It's like a train wreck--horrible to witness, and yet I find myself stealthily turning down my music and sliding open a window to get better audio.
ReplyDeleteYO Jess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTell me more about this Jonathon Tropper dude because I've looked at that book, Everything Changes but didn't purchase. Maybe I should now?
ANd I've had Wonder Spot on my shelf for like a year. I should probably get started on it?
Wish we could hang out and have a real nice filled-up martini glass full of vodka and other stuff and catch up!! With Swishomatic too!
Hope the edits are going well! I am anxiously, nervously, awaiting word from ANY ONE OF THE FOUR AGENTS who have my full. *Shit, shouldn't have written that cuz I don't wanna jinx it.*
I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait, people really use the phrase "punk-ass bitch?" Without irony? I'm so excited for you! That really is a Springer moment. (I was going to say Maury, but that would involve a paternity test of some sort. Still, the alliteration would have been better and you're a fancy writer so I need to impress you that way. Forgive me.)
ReplyDeleteTotally bringing up repressed memories of my former crack ho neighbor! Our town's finest made several appearances next door in the months before I moved out. The best was when she kicked her boyfriend out half-naked after nasty, white-trash sex (that, yes, I HEARD!) Fun times!
ReplyDeleteDo you like The Wonder Spot? I did, a lot. I went to her reading for it and she was absolutely, fantastically nice and gracious.
Signed, the Swishomatic (HA!)
My punk ass bitch neighbors vandalized my other neighbor's town house after they moved out. I want to kick a 12-year old's ass. Is that wrong?
ReplyDeleteAnd Egan, from what I hear from friends back home it has been hot out there. You should take this opportunity to complain about the heat now because you know it only happens once every millennium. :)
sweating from your fingernails....i like that one.
ReplyDeletei for one am having to resort to laying in my bed with 5 fans on me at all time as to avoid sweat rings forming on my pants from my ass cheeks...
"a Man in Blue"
ReplyDeleteSuperman intervened?!
I didn't realize that Punk Ass Bitch was an insult. I call practically everyone that. No wonder I've been getting dirty looks. :)
ReplyDelete"Culminating in the son shouting at his father, 'F*ck you, punk-ass bitch!' before running off behind the house." That's horrible. Someone needs to arm that dad with a pellet gun. That gives me a great idea... I should start a business selling self-defense items for wheelchair bound people. ;)
ReplyDeletetink - no doubt! If I were on a jury, I would never convict a man in a wheel chair who shot his son while shouting "punk ass bitch"
ReplyDeleteGary - LOL!
"F*ck you, punk-ass bitch!"
ReplyDeleteawesome...I'm on my way. I'm packing the car, I'll be there in 2 days.
It's hard to imagine the sight of a knock down-drag out fight under those circumstances. Very Springer-esque.
ReplyDeleteit's considered cool to live in a neighbourhood where there's always a good example of someone toying with property values....so you must be cool!
ReplyDeleteBrownies in a rock oven. What a great idea! I made brownies this week, but I was boring and used a regular oven. You've inspired me. Although our heat is gone.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your neighbors will come to their senses soon enough.
Hi from down under...you, that is.
I tried to comment yesterday but Blogger was down...
ReplyDeleteYour neighbors do sound like they're straight out of a Jerry Springer show! Lock your doors!
And baking brownies in a rock oven? Um, WHAT? I wonder what the show's writers could have been smoking...
I should've directed you to the home of my inlaws in SD where you could've eaten an entire meal that was cooked in a hole in the ground.
ReplyDeleteMy closest neighbor is an alligator. He's very quiet.
If I were your neighbor, I would bake you some kick-ass brownies to eat while you feed your muse with some words. And when you met your page goal for the day, I'd trip on over with some margaritas because nothing goes better with brownies. Then we could heckle your neighbors until the men in blue came to give us a citation for all the noise. Then we'd get a lecture from my Girlie and our buzzes would wear off and we'd have sugar/alcohol hangovers and fines. Okay, never mind.
ReplyDeleteThe boy called the wheelchair dad a punk ass bitch? Someone needs to teach that boy how to cuss right! Run over there Jess!
ReplyDeleteoh no, fighting with your handicapped father? that is SO Springer!
ReplyDeletePoor Daisy in this unbearable heat that her mother seems eminently aware of. If only she were shaved.
ReplyDeleteSo people that aren't on MTV actually say things like punk-ass bitch? Who knew?
ReplyDeleteStock up on Philly Swirls and stay cool :)
Oy. I've got the same freakin' neighbors. Like 10 of them, I hate hate hate it. But I have to disagree on the Jonathan Tropper thing. I read that "Book of Joe" and it was really ... mediocre. Meh.
ReplyDeleteIt's hot out? Hmm, hadn't noticed. :0)
Never a dull moment at your abode... which is better than boring IMHO. Stay cool.
ReplyDeleteFirst time reader, nice work.
Cheers
Oy. The neighbours. I hate seeing shit like that.
ReplyDeleteFighting daddy isn't fun. But yeah, I think it's Springerest too. LOL!
ReplyDeleteOf course MacGyver was a hit with the teens. They obviously didn't show what he PUT in the brownies.
ReplyDeleteBrownies? In a brick oven? To captivate teens?
ReplyDeleteThese brownies...do they happen to contain an herbal ingredient? Why else would they be so effective with teens??? And...did MacGyver build his brick oven with duct tape?
:)
Ah, MacGyver, my hero. I have the first 6 seasons on DVD. I would have more but they aren't out yet. Its a shame.
ReplyDeleteLater.
Our local news is big on drama. Shocking, I know. The weather dudes have been calling it a "Heat emergency." "Stay indoors! Drink lots of water! Don't go outside! Don't lock your dog in the car!" Nothing I didn't learn in Basic Safety training in Brownies in the third grade, but thanks for the excitement.
ReplyDeleteMonique, you're like a genius or something. Yes, your friends were correct, it was very hot here the past week. We're weather wimps in Seattle. I should have known better than to say something about the weather, I jinxed myself.
ReplyDelete