Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Finally Home!!!

Okay, I’m finally home for awhile. And I’ve never been happier to be back in Wisconsin. I really don’t want to do any driving for a long time. Not even to the store for toilet paper. I’m going to learn to weave my own from dandelion leaves, of which there are a multitude in my yard. I’m not even going to get in the car if the end of the trip holds a promise of Culver’s ice cream, because not only would this necessitate me getting into the car again but Hel-LO, it’s “Show me your back fat” season, people! I refuse to even get in the car should a trip to the emergency room be in order due to a tumble down the stairs; I’m taking that broken ankle and hobbling my crippled ass all the way to triage the old-fashioned, bipedal way. At this semi-random point I must thank my excellent hostess in Boulder, Michelle, who put up with me for a third night after my original flight home was cancelled. And thank you to Aunt Sue, who threw one hell of a shindig in Minnesota this past weekend.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great “Loud Sounds of Money Being Burned” I mean Fourth of July holiday. Don’t mind me. I’m just crotchety because several of my neighbors enjoy celebrating our nation’s independence from Great Britain by detonating bottle rockets, firecrackers, and what could very well be a land mine at regular intervals late at night. And all day. Boy, it’s a good thing my dog loves loud, startling noises! They calm her nerves and put her right to sleep. It’s like a doggy sedative!

Next week will be interesting. We’re having our driveway excavated and I need to really get cracking on the revisions, so I’ll learn if I have the ability to concentrate despite loud machinery crashing around in the background. My money’s on “No.”

(this statement in parentheses serves as a segue.)

Here’s a recent highlight from one of the last few days in the car. J and I were following his parents home from Minnesota on Sunday; they planned to drop by the home of their former pastor and his wife, since we were in the neighborhood and all. Gracious hosts that they are, they fed us lunch and good conversation during our brief visit. Unfortunately, I was feeling quite spacey from the heat and endless, endless days of driving I had just logged. Plus, I was constantly trying to account for the whereabouts of Daisy, who has a tendency to furtively shit in people’s bedrooms if you’re not watching her. Especially if the carpet is new or white. So I wasn’t paying attention when Pastor John turned to me at one point during the meal and asked, “So Jessie, are you limber?”

He asked it rather quickly, in between a conversation with J’s parents about their former church. I froze. What had he said? Limburger? Lunder? Linver? Is this some kind of Lutheran sect or denomination? I looked helplessly at J and his parents across the table. They stared back at me. Time stretched out, and somewhere I could hear a clock ticking and children aging. Just as I began to form the words, “No, I was raised Catholic,” Pastor John added, “Flexible. Can you touch your toes?”

I barked a laugh. “Ho no! I most certainly can’t.” Apparently he was telling some story about a very bendy girl that once worked at the church and could have joined the Cirque de Soleil if she wanted. She was that talented.

So that’s what can happen when you’re not paying attention.

I’ll post more pictures from the trip later this week. In the meantime, I’ll be working on improving the novel and fuming over my new neighbors across the street, whose radioactively giant dog has crapped (hugely) in our yard three times since they moved in a few weeks ago and whose cat has murdered two baby bunnies under our porch. I can hear the man of the house shouting for the dog now, which is probably blocks away crapping on someone else’s lawn as I write this.

43 comments:

  1. DAMN IT! I wish that he had hesitated long enough for you to get the words out! "Are you limber?" - - "No, I was raised Catholic." HA!
    Wait a minute...now that I think of it, that's not an inappropriate response.

    Nice neighbor, by the way... :o

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  2. Welcome back! Going on a road trip with a gal pal sounds like a lot of fun right now. I've got 5 loads of laundry to do and a cranky 3 year old. Not sure where I'd go. . .My MIL lives in SD, so I've done the Corn Palace, the Black Hills, the Badlands, and Wall Drugs waaay too many times. (In fact, I'm sure I'll be seeing it all again when we go back in October.)

    Limburger! Ha!

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  3. Welcome back! I've missed you! I've missed someone I've never even met before! Ha!

    I'm with Kevin - "I was raised Catholic" might have worked as an appropriate answer! I hate when someone asks me something and I don't know what they said but it's too late to ask them to clarify without sounding like a total moron...

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  4. Ho ho ho! Glad you're back. I have a roller racer you can borrow if you're serious about that no-car shizzle...

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  5. I am so glad you're back! A flexible Catholic... Isn't that an oxymoron?

    And for your neighbors giant dog I recommend a cattle prod. One zap the next time he tries to leave you a present on your front lawn and he'll never try it again.

    wink

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  6. Welcome back--again! Good luck with your revisions. Can't wait to see the photos. I keep meaning to blog a little something about our lunch together, and it hasn't happened yet. Sometime soon. Really.

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  7. Oh, I so needed that laugh. You are such a good writer, I didn't realize how much I missed your writings until now ;)

    That whole limber question could have taken that conversation with a pastor in a whoooole other direction...

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  8. Welcome Back! I so understand not wanting to get back in a car for a while!

    hehehe flexible Catholic...

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  9. Can you believe we have Culver's Butterburgers and frozen custard clear down here in Houston. My family is completely in love with it and I have added back fat due to the frozen custard.

    Glad you had fun! Even if your not limber.

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  10. Welcome home! I, too, have had my share of embarrassing moments as a result from a tendency to space out. Only I can't usually claim long hours in the car and possible heat exhaustion. I'm just...spacy.

    Oh, well, Pookie thinks it's charming. That's really all that counts

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  11. I want your dogs so bad. Bottle rockets are soothing aren't they? I think Sharper Image is putting out an alarm clock with exploding shit. Your humor rocks!

    As you can see on my blog, we have plenty of dandelions for your toilet paper purposes. They never end Jess.

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  12. Uh, part of a story or not - that is was weird ass question comin' from Pastor John.

    Glad you are back. I'd put an exclamation point on that, but I've used up my exclamation allowance. Oh, hell. I'm glad you are back!!

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  13. So glad to have you back! and I think that's just the best segue I've ever seen. For real. I might have to steal that some day.

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  14. I wish you had answered with the you were raised catholic comment. That would have really thrown them.

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  15. Welcome home! So glad to have you back in the safe, cozy blog fold :)

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  16. LOL! Are you limber? That would be one of those situations where I, too, would be thinking, "Did he just say what I thought he said, or am I just incredibly perverted?" LOL!

    Welcome back! And yes, don't get in your car. Everything you need can be delivered, and you can use those dandelions as TP if worse comes to worst.

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  17. I'm so glad that we haven't recently moved, because that dog could be mine.

    See, the thing is, she's so nice and courteous that she won't poop in our yard 'cos she just knows that I'll step in it. So she poops in the neighbors yard. I do clean it up, however.

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  18. Welcome back!

    I would like to have after-work beers with you. You dependably crack me up every time I read your blog.

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  19. Yep, the soon-to-be-published author needed an explanation for the word "limber". Love it.

    (You really can't touch your toes?)

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  20. Thanks for making me laugh!

    I find that the car ride there is exciting...for the first hour. Coming home, I dread it, and everyone can tell by my lovely mood.

    LOL @ limber...for some reason, I find that an odd question to ask you?!

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  21. lmao at the limber thing. I do that all the time. i don't even realize I'm part of the conversation and then someone will say, "What do you think, DAwn?" and I'll be like, "Huh?" hey, it's their fault really. if they weren't talking about something so damn boring, maybe I would have listened in... ;)

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  22. Mmmm...Culvers. I just returned from a road trip where I managed to consume 4 concrete turtle shakes in 12 hours of driving--I am now the mistress of backfat.
    I am SO glad you are back. As for the revisions, at least the machinery noise is an excellent excuse if they aren't going very well...

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  23. I think your dog probably craps on brown carpets too. You just can't see it.

    Welcome back!!!

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  24. Welcome home. I can't believe how much driving you have done. I hit my max on road trips back around 1990. If I can't fly there or drive there inside of two hours, sorry. You'll have to come see me instead.

    Enjoy your homeness.

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  25. Add me to the list of folks who have missed your delicious writing. But the "limber" story was completely worth the wait (although it would have been VERY entertaining if you'd gotten out your response before Pastor John's clarification...)

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  26. I can see why long trips in the car aren't grabbing you right now.

    What the hell is it with neighbours dogs? Although he isn't crapping in my yard, my neighbour's dog won't shut the hell up. It barks all...day...long...

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  27. Allow me to say after 12 years of Catholic school being limber is the route to the devil. You start raising your leg in the air, or touching toes and who knows where that will lead.

    I missed you too!

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  28. Giant dogs crapping in YOUR yard? Where are the leash laws???

    Congratulations on finishing the road trip in one piece.

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  29. Be a little careful about making toilet paper from leaves. Be sure you know what poison ivy looks like. :)

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  30. Writing, as I am, from London, could you perhaps let us have the names of those neighbours who most lustily celebrate 4 July. We maintain a sort of list.

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  31. When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?When are you going to shave your dog?

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  32. But, inquiring minds want to know are you going to post pictures of you being limber?

    I also loved yoru segue. I'm using it. Literal is the new transitional sentence!

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  33. Funny story about being limber (or not). I'm mostly deaf in one ear and am constantly missing the point of conversations. Especially when everyone is talking at once and being very funny. Which makes for some really entertaining conversations at times.

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  34. I'm a little disturbed that a clergyman is so interested in whether the pretty women in his congregation are bendy.

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  35. hmmm! you couldn't have seen that one coming if you'd been in cirque de soleil with his other bendy friend!

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  36. lmao! Even if I'd have been certain I heard correctly - I think I'd crap my drawers if a pastor asked if I was "limber!" (without knowing the context, of course). Welcome home!

    G

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  37. Don't even get me started on the back fat. Where the HELL does that even come from on a relatively trim (re: normal weight for height) woman? It sucks.

    And it sounds like your neighbors cat is a regular feline John Wayne Gacey.

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  38. I think Pastor John has been on some special sites on the interent....

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  39. Okay....you've been home a week now. Time to post.

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  40. Don,t shave your dog. Daisy is so cute the way she is. She was such a good dog with all dogs at the reunion. I'm so glad you all made it to the reunion. I really think that was the last one. Its been 10 years in a row. Maybe you or Pat could have it next year. I agree with one of the last comments. You've been back a week... We need
    a new post.

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  41. I love that story! I know that had I been in the same situation, I would have gone ahead with the "no, I was raised Catholic" answer.
    And, Culvers, mmmmmm, Culvers.....

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  42. As always, TOO funny. "Are you limber?" Wow, is that a loaded question or what?!

    Glad you're back home and hope you enjoy the well-deserved rest.

    Hi from lower Wisconsin...*waves*

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