Things I’ve Learned in the Month of August (Post #113)

1. When you unpack your newly-purchased nectarines and place them on your kitchen counter to ripen, they will mold in approximately 28 seconds.
2. When you ask the Food Service Powers That Be to at a local restaurant named after an automobile popular in the 1950s to substitute a Gardenburger for a regular hamburger and your waitress asks if you want your Gardenburger in 1/3 or half pound size, it’s a pretty safe bet that your meal will have once ambled around, mooing.
3. Little Miss Sunshine is one of the most hysterically funny movies I’ve ever seen about drug abuse, suicide, family dysfunction, death, failed ambition, and dashed dreams. Seriously—go see it. It’s a heart-warmer. Greg Kinnear’s character? Best. Character. Arc. Ever.
4. When the “news” (quotes intended to the fullest extent of the law) includes headlines with the phrases, “Never hug a Swiss Cow!” or “Bong hits for Jesus,” look around. You just may spot the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Or at least a spot of pestilence.
5. Beware of large unleashed dogs. Even if they’re named Maggie and have a fluffy, shiny black coat and wear a cute, disarming bandana around their neck. Especially then. Just ask Daisy. She’ll tell you. Well, not in words so much…more through a series of canine yodels, whines, soulful looks, and a sorrowful limp while buttscooting across the carpet. (Please note: Daisy is not limping, nor is she buttscooting. But she is writing a strongly-worded letter to Maggie about the incident.)
6. When the fate of your book is uncertain—and this can include everything from the agent querying stage all the way to a potential orphaning at your new publishing house—there is a great chance that you will develop several unattractive anxiety-related habits, including a state that can only be described as the opposite of hygiene, insomnia, poor eating habits (gnawing an entire block of cheddar while watching Meerkat Manor? Not healthy! Not attractive!), and an inability to maintain a normal conversation because your attention span is shorter-lived than either Carnivale or Deadwood (Damn you HBO! Damn youuuuu!!!)
7. If you wish to remodel your home, know this: it will always take longer than you think. And there is a 98% chance that you will discover something unpleasant behind the walls, ceilings, or floors that will necessitate your parting with more money. This discovery may or may not include a tribe of Mold People or a series of bad construction decisions made by the previous owner while sniffing molten plastic fumes. But our garage is up! I can park in it and stack plywood against the walls like a real Suburbanite and everything. Hooray!
8. Rats! Judging by the size of the poop pellets* littering our back doorstep, we may have a rat. (*They are the size of scuba tanks. Scuba tanks for giants.)
9. Sauerkraut should NOT have the consistency of applesauce.
10. I can’t think of number ten, because I’m fixated on number eight. I am so grossed out right now. Seriously.

The list is over, go in peace. Have a relaxing, labor-free Labor Day.