Friday, February 27, 2009

You've Got to be KIDDING Me

Here I am, after yet another trip to the ER...this time, accompanied by emergency surgery. Surprise! Yes, my ovarian cysts are back, with a vengeance. Everybody knows most sequels suck, and this was no exception. The pain was radioactive this morning around 5 a.m., so off we went, for more of the same testing but on an accelerated schedule. I went in for surgery four hours after being checked-in; after another three hours, I woke up sans several raging cysts and 2/3rd of my right ovary.

Apparently, the right cyst was putting enormous pressure on lil' ol' ovary, twisting it and cutting off blood flow. So, I had to bid farewell to part of my babymaking parts. :( (That's me being generally bummed and too zoned on pain meds to more cleverly / poignantly articulate how I feel about this. Ovaries, I publicly apologize for the melon baller comment!!!)

J said he would have 2/3rds of his right testicle removed in a sign of solidarity. We're probably not going to do that.

This was my first 'real' surgery (other than having my wisdom teeth pulled back in 1993), so I was a bit skittish to hear about the breathing tube and potential anesthesia complications. I don't remember this, but the minute they put the sedative in my artery (or does it go in a vein?), I was OUT. J said I started hiccuping like crazy and slurred, "Oh wow, that was unexpected!"

God, even under major sedation I find a way to add dorky commentary to a given situation. I wouldn't be surprised to hear I sat up halfway through surgery to Cliff Clavin them with a little fact I'd just learned: that ALL of our pee smells like sulfer after we eat asparagus--some of us just lack the genetic material to SMELL it.

Also? J is famous everywhere we go. First, we discover that our favorite restaurant employs a girl he used to have a major crush on in high school (he even had her senior picture in his wallet TWELVE YEARS LATER, and while we were eating during that discovery and probably because I made fun of him about this, he stuck the photo in a potted plant near our table. She probably was really freaked out by that.) Second, guess who was working behind the desk across from my OR prep room? Yep! A "girl who used to have the hots for" J.

I was going to scan and include some photos from my laprascopy, but some of you might be eating. Just trust me when I tell you they were gross and alarming. Like, watching-The Discovery Channel"I can't believe this guy has a whole tumor hanging from his face!" gross. At least they were to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hold a private little thing to mourn the lost of part of my ovary. The doc says it can regenerate, so here's hoping. Here's also hoping my cyst issues are behind me!!!!

PS: Demitri Martin makes me chuckle. So I'll probably be TIVOing him for later, until my tummy heals.


  1. Anonymous11:13 AM

    Oh, no! I hope you're feeling better soon.

  2. Damn. Time to bitchslap those ovaries and tell em to settle down.

    Hope you're feeling way better soon. And thanks for still having the fortitude to prop up Demetri Martin during your time of recovery. He makes me chuckle too. :-)

  3. Hope you feel better soon and the surgery put an end to your cyst problems/pain.

  4. Hopefully this is the end of the bob-awful pains you've been having! They better have nice to you in PACU and recovery. Feel better soon. :)

  5. Hope you get all better quickly.

  6. Oh, goodness! I hope this keeps the cysts at bay.

    Feel better!

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  8. Jess, I hope you feel better. I had this exact thing happen to me 2 years ago. Did they say the if the cyst was endometriosis? I am a wife of one of the PoD guys J games with. Let me know if you want to talk to something that went through the same thing.

    Take it easy

  9. Hope you recover soon--and yes, I just learned that fun fact about asparagus recently too! Here I thought my pee was special but it turned out to be my nose. A better deal, IMHO.

  10. Happy thoughts for your bod. (And snaps for your sweet honey J!)

  11. That really sucks, Jess. I hope the ovary does regenerate and that the surgery takes care of all the cyst woes. Best wishes for a quick recovery.

  12. Oh my god Jess. Your ovaries are mean spirited little suckers aren't they?
    Take care of yourself and use this as an opportunity to take lots of naps and eat whatever you want.

  13. Hey Jess! Hope you are on your way to feeling 100% again. Can't say that I'm surprised by my brother and his offer... lol. Rest up and be well!

    Love ya!

  14. Oh Jess, what a gift you have!

    You may have lost some dysfunctional ovary, but you haven't lost the really important stuff.

    Feel better soon.

  15. My best friend had cysts on both the size of an orange, the other a grapefruit. She lost 1 and a half ovaries, and yet got pregnant pretty darned fast when the time came. She has two kids now, and only doesn't have more because of wonderful birth control.

    I don't know how it works with only 1/2 of an ovary, but it still works.

    Glad they got rid of that pain and problem. Sounds absolutely horrid.

  16. Hope you're feeling better--ovaries really ought to be cyst-free zones. I'm sorry. :-(

    And Demitri Martin? Is a genius. I love him. I hope he made you giggle (but not so hard that it hurt).

  17. Oh Honey... I'm so sorry...



    But, seriously. I'm sorry, my friend.

    And those hussies after J? Need to back the F away... Just walk away hussies...

    YES, even that one that J was supposedly crushing on. I bet SHE MADE him keep that pic in her wallet... like with voodoo or something.