Monday, November 27, 2006

Hope You Had a Nice Tryptophan!

Is everyone stuffed and bloated?

Another Thanksgiving down the hatch. I tried a few new recipes this year, thanks to Better Homes and Gardens and the Food Porn Network: Butternut Squash Lasagna, Green Bean Bake Revisited, and Nutty Brussels Sprouts. Thumbs up on all three.

The weekend yielded a surprise in addition to the usual driving, cooking, and visiting: I actually went out on Saturday night! I know, it was hard to fit a cute outfit over my oxygen mask and giant Medic Alert jewelry, but I managed. First we caught a very decent band (best cover of "Purple Rain" EVER) and later, I met a playwright that a new friend of mine had been wanting to introduce me to.

So how did it go? Well, within five minutes of meeting him I managed to insult his taste in music and spill my drink on him. (I was gesturing wildly with my beverage, holding forth on what an auditory laxative Michael Jackson’s "Man in the Mirror" is. But it turns out the guy likes the song. Maybe he even played it on the jukebox. Maybe.)

Ah, I love the smell of alienating new acquaintances in the morning.

Yesterday I did a little mildly hungover shopping with my best friend. Upon entering Target, I nearly ran over a woman that looked soooo familiar to me.

“Hi!” I shouted in her face with manic intensity. How did I know her? “How are you?”

She seemed to recognize me too, and responded with, “Great! Hi! How are you?”

I replied that I was fine, and we went on our separate shopping journeys. But how the hell did I know her? “I know that woman. But how do I know her?” I hissed to Cindy.

She shrugged and said, “You’ll figure it out.”

But I’m tenacious. I can’t let something go until I solve the puzzle. Aisle after aisle and I continued wondering aloud how I knew her: Did she work for one of my clients? Had we been at a meeting together?

No, I didn’t feel this to be the connection. And more unnerving: I was sure I knew her in a somewhat uncomfortable light. I racked my brain, trying to unearth every mildly awkward exchange I’d had with someone I may know professionally in the last two years. It took some industrial digging equipment, because there were many.

Was it someone I knew in a fiction writing-related capacity? Did she work for UW-O? No and no, although she had quirky glasses that gave her a distinct professorial look.

Alas, nothing was obvious. “This is driving me nuts!” I said to Cindy as we paid for our merchandise, my mind a thousand miles away from the transaction at hand.

“I know,” she said calmly. She’s going to be a good mom someday, with patience like that.

After I’d returned home it continued to bug me. But then last night, while watching Growing up Orangutan (have you ever seen an Orangutan baby? Adorable!!!!!) and continuing to plunder my mental filing cabinets for anything, any remote idea about how I knew the woman I recognized in Target, it dawned on me.

She was my gynecologist.

44 comments:

  1. Jess, all I can say is that you had better drive down to BlogHer next year (In Chicago! No excuses!) so that you can spill red wine on me and talk about how much Depeche Mode sucks - because no matter what you say, you'll make me laugh and I will still love you to pieces.

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  2. In your defense, I mean how much of her face have you actually seen?

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  3. I almost choked on my lunch at the last sentence. People in the office are wondering what I was screaming about. I hate it when I know a face but..."from where?" Funny! You are too much.

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  4. No wonder you're getting a book published, your writing is just spectacular. And funny. You do remember that you're getting a book published, right? Jess? Hello?

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  5. Damn, Harmonica Man beat me to my comment. Seriously, I don't ever want to see my gyno outside the office. I don't even want to think about her being a real person because she knows waaaay too much about private things.

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  6. Yeah...that's one of those "out of context" meetings that stumps you because you're only used to seeing that person in one place over and over. I hope you're better at faking recognition than I am.

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  7. Well of course you didn't recognize her! Aren't you usually staring at the ceiling?? Thank you for the chuckle. At 4:30pm on a MONDAY, you're better than coffee.

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  8. That's too funny!

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  9. More than once I have come across a familiar face and thought "oh dear, who is this person? I don't have time for this"

    "Hi" I have said brusquely and then, dashing past, shouted over my shoulder "sorry, no time to talk" with what I hope is enough feigned regret to mean that they will not try to back their car over me next time I meet, only to have my wife ask me why I just been so rude to the Queen/David Beckham/Elvis or whatever celebrity is swanning through town with their lethally-armed entourage.

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  10. HahahahaHA! I'm surprised SHE recognized YOU, what with your pants on and all.

    And I'd argue that anyone who likes any Michael Jackson album newer than Thriller may not be worth knowing.

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  11. HahahahaHA! I'm surprised SHE recognized YOU, what with your pants on and all.

    And I'd argue that anyone who likes any Michael Jackson album newer than Thriller may not be worth knowing.

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  12. So you insulted his taste in music? He likes a song sung by a pedophile. Big deal. He will just have to get over it.

    As for your GYN: If you had been shopping naked from the waist down, she definitely would have recognized you.

    "Jess! Good to see you! How's that old cervix of yours?"

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  13. if it makes you feel any better, i insulted everyone in my husband's family this weekend while sloshing red wine on their cream carpet. i'm sure everyone is quite happy i'm part of their family.

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  14. That happens to me all the time - recognizing someone and spending days trying to figure out why I know them. And Jess, wasn't it you who shared the story about seeing someone you recognized in a store only to find out it was you...in a mirror? You always make me laugh.

    Hi from down under.

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  15. She probably couldn't place your face either. Heh, heh.

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  16. Jess ~ I had about a million QUIPS for this one... but alas I'll just say, "Glad you figured it out!" ~ jb///

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  17. Brussel sprouts are nothing more than the decapitated thumbs of the Jolly Green Giant. I hope you can live with yourself.

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  18. That's hysterical, on so many levels. And there's nothing wrong with standing up for good music (and acknowledging bad music when it assaults you from the juke box) Somebody's gotta hold up the standards in this country...

    :)

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  19. I love this story. Happy! (belated) Tryptophan, indeed. : )

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  20. *snort*

    She probably had to think a while about who you were too, seeing as you weren't wearing a paper gown at the time...

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  21. Ha! So funny, Jess! I suppose if you had been lying on your back, stripped down from the waist, you might have known her. It's all about context.

    As for the new acquaintance, I think the minor mishaps bode well for you. Those are the stories that keep life--and relationships--interesting. Some of my best friends are drink spillers!

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  22. Withheld7:16 PM

    I think my gynecologists have all retired since I last saw them. There's nothing like having a couple of babies to cure you of ever wanting to "scoot down just a little" again. I'm going Anon tonight so the Pap Police can save their lectures.
    Gynecologist: Spreader of old wives' tails.

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  23. Oh God that's funny. Love the last line;)))

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  24. Anonymous10:22 AM

    lmao! do you think gynecologists remember patients, not by their faces, but by their....never mind. :D

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  25. Anonymous10:23 AM

    lmao! do you think gynecologists remember patients, not by their faces, but by their....never mind. :D

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  26. When I see someone I vaguely recognize in Target, HIDING is my modus operandi.

    I'm so glad you revisted Green Bean casserole. Somebody needed to.

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  27. Did you know that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart met when she spilled a drink on him? (This I know from that venerable news source, People Magazine.)

    You vixen, you.

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  28. Anonymous9:13 PM

    LOL!

    I'm late to this one... glad I didn't miss it.

    And yes, you were right-- you most definitely knew that woman in a "somewhat uncomfortable light."

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  29. My most embarrassing "I know that person from somewhere..." moment was in college. I was at a party and was noticing this hot guy and talked to him and after about an hour I realized where I knew him from. He was the model for my roomate's Life Drawing class- you know, where they model nude? Yeah.

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  30. Hee hee. Funny post. These comments are a stitch too.

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  31. lololol!!!!!!!!!!!

    priceless, lol!

    oh, and you had me at food porn network...snort!

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  32. OMG thanks for the laugh. You are too damn funny.

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  33. Oh dear....that's too funny. :) And now I know what I'm going to write about tomorrow...not my gyno, though.

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  34. Jess, I think that we need to get married. Yes, yes, I know that you already are and that I'm gay. But still...or maybe we were married in a previous life? Or maybe I can hope that we will be in a future life? You really crack me up, woman.

    And can I just say HOW MUCH I FRICKIN' LOVE "GROWING UP ORANGUTAN"??? We tevo it now.

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  35. The man who does my gynecology now, also does my husband's prostate exams. If I ever meet him outside the office, I will NOT shake his hand.

    Love your story!

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  36. Anonymous2:46 PM

    I behave in exactly the same way whenever I'm watching a movie or TV show and some actor or actress appears that I don't know but that I've seen in something before. It bugs the heck out of me. Thank goodness for imdb.com ;)

    I bet she was pleasantly surprised by such a gung-ho greeting!

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  37. Aimee7:53 PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA. That is why I love you so.

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  38. Ahhh! That is so funny!

    I met someone recently where I felt I knew them. And unfortunately, I realized that I "met" them at a really rocking party awhile back and I was kinda lit. And I think we had one of the conversations that seem really brillant and deep when you are all liquored up... But in the light of a sober day? You are more than a bit embarrassed.

    Your recipies sound so yummy!

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  39. Aimee9:55 PM

    Is today your birthday? I know it's this week! I swear!! Happy birthday & you know what? You can comfort yourself with the fact that at least you didn't bust out with, "Say! Aren't you my hoo-ha doctor?"

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  40. OMG, Jess....I guess if you laid down there in the parking lot and showed her your woman parts she'd say "Hey!!! I know you, too!" hehheh....

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  41. Pattie totally took my joke. *scowls*

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  42. OMG! You make me laugh out loud!! I saw my gyno coming out of the local craft store last week. My husband was with me and I told him "that man has seen my whoo-whoo."

    It looked weird for Dr. S to be in a craft store. Do you think thats where he gets his supplies?

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  43. And she was thinking, "How do I know her how do I know her OH!"

    Nice. Very funny!

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  44. Caryn5:42 PM

    Actually laughed out loud at the gynecologist story. Good one! Don't you love how you can associate a particular feeling with a person you can't place, but not the name? It's so annoying. At the same time, I've discovered how I truly feel about certain people or situations, when I realize who they are and remember how I felt about them when I didn't know any better.

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