Monday, December 04, 2006

Do I Smell Old to You?

I turned another year older this weekend. It sort of snuck up on me, and the next thing I knew, I was being held hostage by the Specter of Old Age. It held a gun to my head with one liver-spotted hand, breathing hot old-person smell down my neck, threatening to change every CD in my car to “Now That’s What I Call Christmas, Volume 3!” or Josh Groban’s latest stool softener if I didn’t face facts: I am one year older and have no business wearing short skirts, ironic T-shirts, or Winnie the Pooh footy pajamas. An alarm will blare should I feel an urge to watch MTV, eat extremely sour candy, or say “Dude.”

Note the first piece of evidence in my compendium of aging: the presence of Flintstones-era CDs in my car, as opposed to the more Jetsonian iPod.

Now, I hardly had to look at the calendar yesterday to know I was officially a year older. I merely had to examine the evidence in the Specter’s dossier on my gradual cellular breakdown:

Exhibit A: As of one week ago, I own a compost tumbler. Because this is not an item I would have owned at age 22, I feel it’s safe to present as further evidence that I am getting funky-old.

Exhibit B: I got my first skin tag last week. It arrived to coincide with my birthday, of that I’m convinced. So in denial was I that I concluded it was simply a zit. Picking ensued. And now what do I have? A bloody skin tag. Thanks, Specter of Old Age.

Exhibit C: I recently purchased my first pair of binoculars, and they’re not for spying on the neighbors. They’re actually for bird watching.

Well, okay, maybe just a little spying on the neighbors.

But the birthday itself was fun. I celebrated with both friends and family and stuffed my face three days in a row. Let the post-binge remorse begin! I don't yet have a baby formed with my own DNA, but I have one helluva food baby made from ice cream cake.

Hey Star Wars fans (how’s that for an abrupt shift in topic?), here’s something fun: this was filmed at one of my favorite Wisconsin grocery stores, Willy Street Coop in Madison. I think I enjoyed episode three the most.

Finally, if the blog is quiet for a few days, it means I am either suffering from a work-related neurotic episode or working on my next novel. Mostly, it’s the latter. I’m trying to write from two very different alternating points of view, and it’s making me feel schizophrenic. It also sucks the clever out of me, so most of my original or mildly entertaining thinking is being diverted at the moment. At least it seems entertaining at the time, and especially after a few glasses of wine. So I could be wrong.

36 comments:

  1. I'm definately older than you are , and I don't own a compost tumbler, so I say you can't count that one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. DeAnna7:16 AM

    I'm not sure how old you are, but I haven't been able to get Josh Groban's music to do anything but soften my soul. And I'm 36!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nope, you are not old. And I hear you about alternating pov's. I just finished a book, so I'm taking a break for the holidays while thinking about my next one. Wine definitely helps;))

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mmm, mmm. Skin tags! My favorite sign of age: elastic waist pants. Oh, and socks with skirts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Happy Birthday!!! Hope all your wishes come true this year!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Happy birthday. Just wait until you have a long gray hair pop out of your inner ear.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous11:16 AM

    Happy Birthday. Kick the Specter in the ass.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy belated birthday, from my skin tags to your's.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy birthday Jess!

    I still say "Dude". I'm such a poser.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I saw Chad Vader a few months ago. That's a great short movie clip. I watched it a few times if I recall correctly. Specter of Old Age is after my memory.

    I adore your binoculars story. Please tell me what you've unearthed at your neighbor's house. It's fun to watch our neighbors do "stuff". Birds are fun too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh yeah, happy belated birthday Jess!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy Belated Birthday! A compost tumbler huh? Um... Cool. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your first skin tag? Sister, welcome to my world.

    Happy Birthmonth!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Happy Birthday! Skin tags? Really? Great. Yet another little tidbit nobody bothered to tell me BEFORE I got old.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Read Nora Ephron's new book. Apparently aging gets a lot lot lot lot worse. Happy Birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You sound forever young (and look it, too). And, elastic waist pants are the only way to go!

    Happy Birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Happy birthday, Jess!
    Age is but a number. If you feel young, you are young. Skin tags or no skin tags. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aging beats the hell out of the alternative. Now get off my lawn.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I had skin tags in my 20s, so they're a sign of youth. Now if I could just get rid of the uncomfortable suspician that I'm starting to have age spots on my hands....ACK!

    Happy Birthday, fellow December child! (I'm a Capricorn, though, so I have a few weeks yet...)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Happy Birthday!!! If you want to feel better about what is possible in life as the years pass, watch The Gilmore Girls. Lorelai wears lots of ironic t-shirts and pulls it off with style :)

    Besides - you're a WRITER. It's your job to refuse to conform to fashion norms. But as for the compost tumbler...there's not much I can say to help you there, except perhaps that tumbling garbage is ageless! (Strange, but ageless)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous1:47 PM

    happy birthday! and you are not old! I don't even want to hear that crap! :D

    ReplyDelete
  22. You know the famed Chad Vader grocery store! Wow!! Too bad Lord Vader no longer works there. That was such a sad final episode.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Next birthday... you'll buy a Stokes Field Guide to Birds and write down every bird you see in your yard inside the cover. Not that I did that. I'm just guessing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. At least it wasn't the
    "Sphincter of Old Age of old age."

    hahahahahaahh!

    Happy birthday!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, but you've written a novel (and will have published) before the age of 40. You rock, Dude.

    ReplyDelete
  26. People are NEVER too old for footie pajamas!

    P.S. How do you like your compost tumbler?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Happy belated birthday. And don't worry, I'm pretty sure I'll always be older than you, if that makes you feel better. Plus, you're much more clever even WITH the clever sucked out of you. A food baby. Damn. I wish I'd thought of that. I've had so many food babies that Angelina Jolie will soon be visiting to adopt one.

    Hi from down under.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Happy Belated Birthday!!

    And good luck with the alternate p.o.v. writing!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I knew it was your birthday!!! Glad you enjoyed yourself & YOU ARE NOT OLD. :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. happy belated birthday!

    i have a compost tumbler, it's called my three day old trash. okay, so it is housed in styrofoam packaging discarded in leftover drive-thru sacks. it's existence is helplessly splayed out while my two children excitedly kick it around on the floor.

    we are sooo not green around here.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Don't give in! Wear ironic t-shirts! Eat sour candy! (Maybe draw the line at footy pajamas.)

    Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  32. "Josh Groban’s latest stool softener" - thank you for that...made me burst out laughing...

    Happy Birthday Baby!!! Just think, you're getting better, bloody skin tags and all! Yum.

    And Happy Writing!

    ReplyDelete
  33. For what it's worth, I stil don't own a whatever whatchamacallit composter but I have had skin tags for ages. Happy birthday dear! And may the week have brought you much fruitful writing. Entirely selfishly, of course...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Well, happy birthday to you!!!

    Oh, and thanks - I now hate the couple of skin tags I have!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Happy (belated) birthday! Good luck with your new novel. I understand about it sucking the creativity right out of you, but I'm glad you have been able to write some anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Happy birthday. I'm way older AND (cough cough) I can't stop listening to Josh Groban. HELP! Intervention please!

    ReplyDelete