Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Hu's Hot? Not Me!

Remember how last summer everyone was complaining about how hot it was? And I was bitching right along with everyone, likening the sultry weather to Jabba the Hut’s taint? Right. Well, now I’m going to whine about how cold it is and compare it to Darth Vader’s soul, which is nowhere near as funny as Jabba the Hut’s taint, but I can’t feel my feet right now, and we all know that feet are responsible for 98% of a person’s sense of humor. (I can barely feel my fingers too, but luckily they’re only responsible for my personal hygiene, daily food intake, work completed, and the general life activities in which I engage.)

I hope you’re holding up and haven’t lost any digits to Jack Frost. Daisy is once again using pee pads in the back hall, since she wastes so much time sniffing things outside that by the time she actually hears my voice (“Go potty, Daisy…go potty…go potty, Daisy…come on, go potty. Hurry up. Go potty.”) she’s also realized that she can no longer feel her paws and must sit down and make a pitiful “Carry me” face. So hello, pee pads. Welcome back, old semi-absorbent friends. This is not something we’re proud of—it’s a little like putting diapers back on your preschooler long after they’ve learned to use the grown-up toilet with regularity. (Except hopefully your preschooler doesn’t eat his or her own poop.)

But since she’s the kind of dog that would lie down and glue her stomach to the linoleum in protest if I were to stuff her feet into canine booties, we’re forced to retreat to the old, cold weather / lazy owner standby of the Arm & Hammer pee pad.

So anyway, where was I going with this? Oh right! My dinner at HuHot Mongolian Barbeque on Friday night. Which is memorable because before dinner, my 4th grade teacher friend Fee showed me a note one of her students had carefully placed on her desk earlier in the week.

(Penmanship decoder--it reads, "Dear Logan's Teacher, Logan is unable to read, write, or do math. Please excuse him from math, writing, and reading. Sincerely, Bob the Doctor.")

Don’t you love it?

If that doesn’t warm the cockles of your heart, I suggest stopping by the Daily Puppy, or maybe checking out this David Hasselhoff calendar.


  1. LOL!

    Love the note, the as-always very funny post, and (my God) the David Hasselhoff calender.

    The cockles, they are indeed warmed.

  2. Bob the Doctor...Can he heal it?
    Bob the Doctor...Yes, he can!

    I'm in Chicago right now, and frankly, I don't blame Daisy for regressing. If I had to pee outside, I'd find myself a diaper - stat.

  3. After living in CA for 10 years, my dog is experiencing her first east coast snow. As I stand freezing my butt off, she runs and frolicks and plays. She loves the snow -- the little traitor!

  4. Eileen11:34 AM

    I wonder if Bob the doctor could write me a note for work?

  5. I can't wait for Tuesday or Wednesday to roll around because I'm always up for a laugh and you can really deliver! The note from the kid is real cute but I enjoyed hearing about Daisy and the pee-pads so much more. Keep warm~~~

  6. What's sad is that he spelled "Sincerely" right. I'm an adult and I can never do that.

    Lucky for us, we're still living in the taint down here in sunny Southern California - it was 80 here yesterday. Life is good.

    But rent is high.


  7. That Bob the Doctor. He's always there for the illiterate/innuerate. That man is a SAINT.
    And that David Hasselhoff calendar will be mine. Oh yes.

  8. that letter is priceless!

    and on the cold thing. i'm feeling you. or i would be if i had not lost my hands to frostbite.

  9. Sincerly,
    Bob the Doctor

    I love this note very much. It does in fact warm the cockles in my heart. Thanks for sharing this note. Now I don't have to stare at David Hasselhoff's crotch over and over again.

  10. Ask Logan if Bob the Doctor is married. If not, shoot him my phone number, will you?

  11. Where have pee pads been all my life? I need pee pads! (And I won't say for whom.) Heck - I need Bob the Doctor!

  12. Bob the Doctor....lol!!! how PRECIOUS is that? So did the note work? ;)

  13. Hey you can't blame the kid for trying, right? *LOL*

    Poor little Daisy. She's not meant to be a cold weather pooch I suppose. Hope you're thawing out soon, Jess.

  14. Ahahahahaha! That kid is brilliant. Omg, I want to shake his hand.

    Bob the Doctor. Must be what Bob the Builder does on his day off.

  15. Holy crap, it's like a bazillion below zero around here too! So where's that global warming when you actually need it?

  16. Jess, so glad you found my blog so I could hop over and find yours!

    I remember seeing your deal posted on PM, and now golly, here you are. In Wisconsin. Where I once lived. And now you're also at Random House, where I live now too.

    I didn't remember your name, of course, just your book. Well, not the title, but the premise. But that's okay, right?

    Re: David Hasselhoff's calendar--not enough photos of him unclad. Who really cares about the close-up headshots?

  17. Will you still be my friend if I tell you it's in the 80s here and I just picked juicy tangerines from our tree? No? Okay how about I still think you're funny even if your feet ARE frostbitten.

  18. It is too damn cold. Oh, and I tried to read that note and now my eyes hurt.

  19. Great note!!

    Hasselhoff calendar = the best year ever

  20. God, that note is priceless. I love kids' notes and have my own kids' stashed away in order to humiliate them when they have the nerve to start bringing home girlfriends.

    Here's a link to a note Ben wrote last month. Let's just say that it failed to have the desired effect.

  21. Not being a dog owner, I have never heard of Pee Pads, but think it's an excellent idea.

    And I'm going to restrain myself from using it in an inappropriate joke about the recent psycho-astronaut-in-diapers-love-triangle story.

  22. HHAA!!

    Wait a minute...you're not getting away that easy, sister from another mister!!! Jabba The Hutt's TAINT????

    damn it. I am so hot right now for Jabba The Hutt's taint, I don't even know what to do with myself...except shower. Yes, maybe that.

  23. OH yeah...and I meant more to take a shower not so much because of my boyfriend Jabba's taint - 'cause that's hot *ahem*, but rather because of my ex's calendar.

    It just brings back some bad memories...

    I'm sorry to get all emotional right now.

  24. surcie6:20 PM

    I'm so impressed with that kid's use of commas!!

    BTW, loved your comment on my last post!

  25. That note reminds me of the one my mom was going to write to my law school professors at the end of my second semester (when I was so stressed out and miserable all I could talk about without crying was the weather.) Mom was going to draft a very nice note informing the faculty that she was fully satisfied with the amount of law I'd learned that year, so would they kindly not teach me anymore until I returned to a new semester. I'm not sure these things work, but I give logan and mom credit for trying!

  26. You wouldn't catch me exposing my ass in the freezing cold! Stick to your guns....er, I mean pee pads, Daisy!

    That note is the funniest thing ever! She needs to contact that kid in about 20 years and give him a laugh.