Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Clockin' the Ho's

I’m feeling scattered lately. It’s probably because I don’t do yoga, but who needs one more thing to feel outraged about?

It’s tax season. It’s also grant deadline season and contractors-working-on-the-house-with-the-back-door-cracked-open-so-they-can-run-
the-bandsaw season. (Is your furnace constantly running? Better go catch it!)

In an effort to relax I’ve found a new thing to worry about. I enjoy a nice glass of Red Truck wine after work, but turns out this wine has a screw cap. If I cared anything about the planet I’d be drinking wine stopped with a REAL cork, because that would support old-growth cork forest and a traditional way of life in Portugal.

My furnace not sucking the grid dry would probably help the planet, too.

Anyone interested in buying a two year-old water heater? We just bought a newfangled tankless one because the current (but efficient and well-appointed!) model is improperly vented. These are the kinds of things that happen when good sense takes the last shuttle to Schenectady and you decide to re-roof and re-side your house in January after you install a new driveway and build a garage.

Remodeling. It is my destiny.

Also, there are new cowsuckers to report! Witness:

You too can assemble this attractive objet d'art for display in your driveway! Read on for details.

An aerial view shot from a very small helicopter.

This is a grand experiment called “winter sowing,” in which I try to save money and cheat seedling death by potting up hundreds of seeds in dirt-stuffed milk jugs with drain holes. See, the theory is this: the seeds sprout in spring, and you have what at first glance appears to be a deformed Chia pet convention at a recycling center. But it’s not. It’s really a bunch of plants in jugs. Amazing, isn’t it? Then, when the time is right, perhaps when you realize you’ve squandered another winter opportunity to get your cellulite under control before shorts season, you plant your cute little Hunks Of Seedlings, or HO’S.

I’ve already identified which beds these cheap HO’S will wind up in. Until then, they’re just going to have to loiter in the gutter.


  1. Man, I'm tempted by this experiment-- but I just don't think we have room in our bed for any cheap HO'S...

    Ah well.

  2. I should do that little experiment too so we can have "Hos in different area codes!"

    It's sad that I know that song.

  3. You really grow HO'S in plastic bottles that live in your garage? How interesting...

    I HATE construction in my house. Last year we had a sunroom built so I'd close all blinds for privacy. I dozed off in front of the TV with two dogs and woke up to their shrill barks. There was a "guy" on a ladder, waving to them through the transome window high up there, cigarette hanging off his lower lip. I wanted to beat him up.

    I sympathize with you and I didn't mean for this to turn into a post :)

  4. I'm just glad I'm not the only one out there who has no inclination at all to do yoga. I thought it was something I had to hide - you know, like Chardonnays at Gymboree.

  5. I think that would be a mighty fun job. Coming up with a list of ridiculous things that "violate the separation of church and state."

    "Kids, no more wearing the color purple. Because it's traditionally a royal sort of color, and we can't have you violating the separation between church and state. Charlie, I'm sorry. You just cannot wear purple. Try pink. Pink is OK. For now."


  6. I'm very curious about your tankless hot water heater. I'd love to dump ours and get one of them there new fandangled tankless puppies. I will be checking in with you about this every two weeks. Don't say I didn't warn you.

  7. Anonymous3:57 AM

    Can you plant me so that I might bloom into the gentle lotus flower in the spring?

    You're remodling is a metaphor for your life. What does the waterheater symbolize?

    I like your new little home.

  8. Looking very high-society over there with those jugs, jess.. ;)

  9. Jugs, jugs, and more jugs. (giggle)

  10. I'll be interested to see how your HOs produce... hmmm you're sounding more and more like a pimp every day.

    Also, I thought it was better for the environment to buy wine without cork?

  11. I want to let you know that I've tracked back to this blog post over on teh Winter Sowing Forum. I found your post while I was doing some WinterSown Q&A, and I thought that this was just hilarious--looks like all the Winter Sowers do too! Love it!

    I hope you'll come and visit over at the forum, your sense of humor will fit right in, you can tell us about your Hos and we'll tell you about our jugs.

    Here's a link to the post


  12. Our water heater is on its last legs, so I'll be checking out the tankless sort. If I lived closer, I'd buy your current one from you. :) Shipping to CA would be crazy.

    Since I was born and raised in CA, and my step mom AND mother in law both teach yoga, I must partake. There's no religion involved whatsoever. People are freaks.

    Tax time? Crap.

  13. Teebs: the story on cork:

    (Off to learn of Ho's in other area codes!)

  14. sound like a pimp...

  15. Yo ho's are ugly, girl!

  16. LOL you crack me up. thnaks for the laugh.

  17. I'm a serial killer of HO'S.

    And here you don't even have kids yet and you're raising HO'S. You overachiever.

  18. So much thinking ahead! So much pride in one's home! So many recyclables (and so neatly arranged)! Being a total slob, I find that these things have a whiff of crazy about them. I'm half expecting a future post in which you share your other milk carton collection -- the ones you've painted biblical scenes on and filled with six years worth of toenail clippings and a few dead cats smeared with butter*.

    But as you managed to be incredibly funny and legitimately mention HOS in a middle-class domestic kinda way, I don't care what you do with your milk cartons so long as I get to read about it!

    * Um, maybe that says more about my mental state than yours..

  19. The sound of my furnace running nonstop is driving me crazy. All I can hear is my gas meter going "cha-ching, cha-ching" all day long. I really wish they hadn't added that sound to it.

  20. You a PIMP???


  21. I admire your winter gardening zeal. I wait until spring and then grow millions of seedlings and then kill off every last one of them.

  22. I toured a winery in Napa Valley last summer. The tour guide said it's only a matter of time until ALL wine is screw cap.

    I hate remodeling. We contemplated adding on to our house, but instead we are selling our house and buying a bigger one that does not require contractors with bandsaws. We decided moving was the lesser of two evils.