Monday, March 05, 2007

Baby Got (a Bad) Back

Remember how last weekend I threw my back out again because I’m about as physically toned as a lump of overcooked squash? Well, that was mere child’s play in the wide range of incidents that can lead to back muscle failure and pain that can only be described as a “Viking War of Hurt,” or maybe “Sauron’s Evil Eye Burning into You.” Because last night I slipped on our icy front steps on my way to take the dog out to do her pre-bedtime business.

For one split second my entire body was parallel to the earth, my eyes cast towards the stars (“I’m flying! I’m flying, Jack!”). And then I crashed onto the front stairs on my back, emitting a hoarse bark upon impact that could only have been uttered by Phyllis Diller with a wad of phlegm stuck in her throat after accidentally surprising two burglars in her living room. My head bounced off one of the risers, my rear connected rudely with the wet sidewalk, and the edges of the stairs stamped a blazing ladder of pain across my back, focusing mostly on the low spot I nursed all last week in my poorly self-directed rehabilitation plan.

And then do you know what I did? That’s right. I did what any mature, well-adjusted woman who’d experienced an ambulatory mishap would do. I started crying like a two-year old. I sat on the front steps in my wet jeans and bawled while Daisy just turned around and cocked her head at me like, “Let’s get the show on the road, Blubberface!”

So I did. I gingerly stood, still crying, determined to coax a turd from my constipated dog’s butt. (She’s been soiling throw-rugs at night, and I was getting fed up.) Have you ever seen a grown woman limping around on the curb, begging her dog to “Make a poopie. Please make a poopie right there!” while crying? Trust me; it’s as pathetic as it sounds. Thank god it was dark out, and winter.

Then this morning I heard some scraping noises outside and looked out the window to see a 176 year-old woman successfully navigating our ice chunk-strewn sidewalk with use of a walker. Which did nothing for my self-esteem. (And also my sense of self as a responsible homeowner. I threw out armfuls of dog-friendly de-icing pellets seconds later.)

But Saturday night was certainly fun. We saw one of our favorite bands in Milwaukee: Trampled by Turtles. I’ve blogged about them before; they’re a punk, alt-country bluegrass band, and very good. This was the first time I’d ever seen a bluegrass band stir up a mosh pit, and it was a satisfying as it sounded. Many laughs were had at the expense of my Caucasian brethren as they attempted to transcend a Navin Johnson-like state of rhythmic ineptitude. (It might sound mean-spirited, but it wasn’t, because many of the “dancers” were so drunk they would raise their arms and seconds later, look in wonderment with half-mast eyes at their raised arms as if to think, ‘Hmmm. What’s my arm doing up in the air?’ And then they would break it down in a hideously off-beat manner.)

Anyway, I clung to the edge of the mosh pit, tapping my foot and showing the world my poorly developed sense of movement like it was nobody’s business. A good time was had by all. And despite the fact that I had drunk only 7-Up that tasted as if it was reincarnated diaper soakwater, I still woke up with a hangover from the second-hand smoke.

PS: I know I semi-promised pictures of Daisy leaping in glorious canine fury at the water heater, and I took some shots, but they didn’t really show the full range of her antagonistic relationship with the unit. And who wants to see anti-climactic, poor representations of an event after the fact? So I’ll post some other photos later this week. Of exciting things like the baby heliotrope and delphinium seedlings I have sprouting under lights upstairs. Aren’t you pumped just thinking about it?

26 comments:

  1. Oh, Jess, I'm sorry. You are my sister in pain and uncoordination, I think! Two years ago I was wearing sandals with poor treads (thanks, Target) when I skidded on some grass with dew, skidded down a little incline. My leg met the bottom of the ditch, and guess what? The ditch won. My leg was shattered, I kid you not. I broke both the fibula and the tibia, and badly enough that today I have 2 (permanent) plates and 11 screws in the leg. I am bionic!

    But. I shattered my leg on wet grass! Do you feel better now about your fall?

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  2. Poor you!

    Oh, the South is lovely this time of year. No snow, trees in bud, birds breeding all around...

    Probably are some constipated dogs around, but I don't want to know about it.

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  3. Ouch! You're not alone - before Christmas, I wiped out while pushing the stroller and took off most of the skin on my knee. It took all of my willpower to hold off crying until I managed to get home. :(

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  4. Oh, you poor thing. That SO sounds like something I would do. Thank goodness it was dark ... but I bet you're sore!!

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  5. Aww, you were here, in town. I knew the world seemed right on Saturday night.

    Sorry about your fall. I keep expecting the same to happen to me. Hope you're better soon.

    Hugs...

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  6. Ouch. That definitely sounds like a painful fall. I hope you are feeling better soon.

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  7. I'm glad you can still be funny about hurting yourself, cuz seriously girl, you could hurt yourself!

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  8. Almost every night I go outside with my old dog between 1-3:30AM, usually with my husband's coat over my pajamas, and I practically scream, "JUST GO PEE PEE!" about a dozen times, until the deed is done.

    I almost cry, sometimes.

    I'm sorry about your fall. Hope you're recuperating.

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  9. Jess--

    Sounds like a horrible fall-- I would have cried, too.

    But woman, I gotta admit I'm still laughing over the image of Phyllis Diller and those damn burglars...

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  10. surcie12:35 PM

    I'm sorry you got hurt, Jess, but I absolutely love the Phyllis Diller/wad o' phlegm line.

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  11. And am I the only one who read through the lines of your 7-Up comment and suspects you are pregnant?

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  12. Oh my god. I know how much back pain can hurt, but this post made me laugh out loud.

    I hope you're feeling okay in the aftermath.

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  13. Oh, that's awful. I fall a lot because I'm always in a hurry, but I've never broken a bone thank God. Feel better soon.

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  14. "diaper soakwater". Did you think of that all by yourself, because that is freaking hilarious.

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  15. I am so sorry...truly. I'm sorry. But you are CRACKING ME UP!!! I'm not laughing at your misfortune, I'm laughing at your brilliant writing.

    Good god, lady...you're one funny woman.

    I am just so profound, aren't I?

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  16. Have you been able to get out in the yard yet? I can't wait to see pictures of Daisy moonwalking. You have those right?

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  17. I have a poorly developed sense of movement as well. I feel for you.

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  18. You're coming to BlogHer, right? Because I really want to snort wine through my nose IN FRONT OF YOU...not just as I howl at your expense here in front of my laptop.

    Secondhand smoke does that to me too. And I do hope your back is recovering - your description made me wince and grab my own lower back. While I was snorting wine, of course.

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  19. "Have you ever seen a grown woman limping around on the curb, begging her dog to “Make a poopie. Please make a poopie right there!” while crying? Trust me; it’s as pathetic as it sounds."

    Singly the funniest thing I've heard all week. I once yelled at my dog, "I hate you! You're always eating my underwear!" As I threw him out in the yard while the neighbors stopped their raking to listen.

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  20. owowowowowowow.

    Ow.

    Diaper soakwater = disgusting AND funny! hooray!

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  21. Jess, I want you to know that when I really hurt myself, like when one of my art cabinets fell over on me, I lay on the floor and cry like a baby. One of the other times I remember is when I was standing on a chair trying to take apart my macaw's huge steel cage to clean the thing (every 3 years whether it needs it or not) and the chair tipped over and the cage collapsed on me. I remember thinking that my kids would come home from school and find me dead under a pile of steel cage sides. You poor baby. You have to get better before gardening season starts. Heliotrope seeds!!! I just take cuttings.
    The meadowlark is singing this morning out by the mailbox. Days are getting longer. Get well!

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  22. first of all, OUCH!

    second of all, wow...you put quite the humorous pictures in my head :)

    "7-Up that tasted as if it was reincarnated diaper soakwater"
    ...after reading this I was somewhre between wanting to puke and wanting to laugh!

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  23. owwie!! maybe you should get a walker. KIDDING!

    a punk, alt-country bluegrass band, huh? well, THAT sounds interesting!

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  24. For some reason, while reading about your horrible accident on the ice, I knew it would be OK to laugh out loud. That was quuite pathetic :o) Someone should do research on how many falls each year are "owner behind dog" related. I've had several falls like yours and one put me in the hospital, thanks to dogs.

    Glad you're OK. I really looked forward to your posts, especially when I need a laugh. Get the camera warmed up!

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  25. Oh no and oops! I had a similiar mishap a few posts back.

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  26. You are not having a good week. But do you have any pain killers I can "borrow?"

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