Thursday, April 17, 2008

Of pits and pores

I’m supposed to be writing my Debs piece for tomorrow on my best vacation ever, and that’s why I’m writing to you right now. Because I’m all about the double-posting and procrastination. Also, I don't remember taking a vacation. Ever. And fun? What is this 'fun' you speak of?

Last night I did a public speaking event at the Waupun Public Library (thanks Doreen and Pam!! And my awesome family members! And the awesome people who came despite not knowing me from Gunter Von Geeter!) The gig went fairly well, and I only had one nervous tic: compulsively spinning my wedding ring with my right hand. At one point, a piece of artwork fell off the wall and flipped a light switch off on its way down, which was kind of fun. Also, a chunk of hair kept trying to leap into my mouth as I talked, and I had sweatstains the size of the Larson B ice shelf.

This sweaty pit issue has plagued me since forever, and yes, frustration has driven me to actually stick pantyliners up my sleeves. Unfortunately, this little trick doesn’t work—the pads always lose their adhesive (because rivers of sweat tend to corrode even the strongest of glues) and start marching their way down your side to the tune of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” If your shirt’s untucked, they may even leap out at an inopportune moment.

Ta-dah!! Pit period!

Tonight I purchased Secret Clinical Strength anti-perspirant, which pains me because God only knows what kind of carcinogenic paste I’m smearing on the wafer of skin protecting my lymph nodes. My innate hypochondria drives me to use the natural, hippy versions of various hygiene products whenever possible, but recently I broke down and purchased some industrial-strength faceblasting de-wrinkler made by one of the well-known cosmetics manufacturers. I recognized perhaps one ingredient in the list of chemicals on the package, but it was time to turn to the Miracle of Science because the natural herbal stuff didn’t seem to be making a dent in my face dents, so to speak.

So anyway, yes! I began to spackle my face with the Miracle of Science and turned my attention to more important concerns. Such as the purchase of yard waste bags and a new lawn mower. Then yesterday I noticed that my hippy shower gel billed itself as being “paraben and glycol free.” This was a good thing to the makers of this particular hippy shower gel, and implied that paraben and glycol are BAD NEWS. Unfortunately, the faceblasting de-wrinkler (a three-step product) was almost entirely comprised of parabens and glycols. Plus a dozen other unpronounceable chemicals that are probably also used to de-ice the wings of airplanes. I wouldn’t be surprised if my face now glows in the dark. I can probably microwave my lunch simply by holding it up to my left cheek for ten minutes.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that my faceblaster kit also contains sodium hydroxide. The exact substance that ate holes through my shirt during chem lab when we were horsing around during an experiment.

And the search for decent moisturizer that won't kill me continues ....


  1. In the beginning of my standup career in NY, I used to get so nervous that I had to have a beer before I hit the stage, and it always did the trick. Calmed me down and yet I always remembered my act.

    When I moved to LA, one of my firt gigs was in Vegas and my agent told me to get with the program and really work on my act since now I was being considered for the Tonight Show and sitcoms. I was in the big leagues now and had to be SERIOUS about COMEDY.

    So I get to Vegas, have to do 2 shows a night 7 days a week and decide to 86 the beer. That first show the left side of my body became a river of sweat. Just pouring out of me, only on one side! Flop sweat is unpredictable and can't be stopped. Sorry to tell you that.

    I went back to having a beer before I hit the stage. It was better than obsessing about people seeing me sweat!

  2. pit period! i love it!

    and thanks for giving me something else to worry about! i never knew about parabens.... eeep.... see wikipedia entry

  3. ahh - the Drip. the armpit Drip. GAAAAHhhhhh...

    I hear you can get Botox injections into your pits, to stop it.

  4. I'm a face cream addict and I have to tell you, I think it's all a scam. The ones that might have a chance at working are chock full of awful stuff, and the natural ones can hardly moisturize much less repair wrinkles and bags. It's a never ending saga for me.

    And as far as the pittin' goes, I'm not much help. I just stay behind the punch bowl. Speaking in public is my worst nightmare.

  5. Anonymous10:26 AM

    I was a bridesmaid last saturday in a dress that would show any and all wetness.

    I tried the Secret Clinical for the event and it was 100% amazing!

    Please give your review, but I love it!


  6. Glad your library event went well! I bet you were a blast to listen to.

    As for sweating, I have that same problem -- or I used to, at any rate. I've been using Certain Dri, and that's been helping though. I do try to use it as rarely as possible because, like you, I'm worried about what chemicals I'm absorbing.

  7. Oops. I tiny-URLed a link to Certain Dri on (because they're not just for books anymore) and forgot to post it.

  8. Pit Period!

    That has got to be one of the funniest phrases I have heard in awhile! And sticking pantyliners there...why have I never thought of that!?

    I usually use the "safe" deodorants unless I NEED super protection then I go for the chemicals.

  9. The stuff might be used to de-ice airplane wings, but the wings are smooth and wrinkle free :)

  10. Oh, the cover! How exciting. I haven't visited in a while, but I'm so excited to read your book!

  11. Trish's comment made me snorty-laugh.

    I work ofr a dermatology company, and just started using a 3-ingredient anti-wrinkly thang, and have vowed to NOT LOOK ATH THE LABEL because SRSLY, who wants to know what awful things you're exposing yourself to all in the name of bringing out the beautiful inner you?

    I'll keep reusing my grocery bags, pushing my electric mower, and otherwise saving the world, but those daggone wrinkles have got to go, chemistry be damned.

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