Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The real question is, should I eat the Grandma Salad?

It goes like this: blogging drought … blogging drought … blogging drought … BLOGGING MANNA FROM HEAVEN!!!

Yes, I have been literally wading through the bloggable moments lately, beginning with a Friday night shopping excursion to my soon-to-be-closing-its-doors-forever favorite grocery store, Copps. J and I felt this would be a fitting way to follow a romantic dinner at Red Robin, which brought us this close to becoming dog people. (From time to time, I find I’m not that keen on balloons and small whirling dervishes hopped up on soft drinks, spraying crumbs and chaos from every orifice. I once had the same reaction to some very rowdy, short adults at a Dave & Busters in Chicago.)

Ah, grocery shopping on a Friday night. Could there be anything more delightful? Could there be any other activity that so perfectly says to the world, "Why no, I haven't shaved my legs since Easter of 2005! How'd you guess?!" Our cart was growing full when a manager announced we were under a tornado warning, so we needed to come to the front of the store where we all kind of stood around and looked at one another, daring one another to say, "Screw this, I have a dinner party to prepare for" and then hightail it for the deli department. I couldn't stop laughing in a breathy, panicked kind of way, because I always laugh like that in the face of doom. Or when I go to church.

Unbeknownst to me, my mom was also shopping in a city half an hour away as the tornado hit. She tried opening the doors to JCPenney at the mall, only to find them locked. So she tried Kohl’s. An employee standing outside the store greeted her with, “Ma’am? We’re under a tornado warning, so we’re closed. But you’re welcome to stand in our young men’s department.”

My mom opted to outrun the tornado and go to Target, which was not encouraging anyone to stand in hardware or personal hygiene or electronics.

I laughed for nearly ten minutes after I heard that, and then my neighbor—from the crazy, assaulting-one-another-in-public (but meaning-well family)—came over and invited me to a ‘Pure Romance’ party this Friday. The invitation to this fiesta del marital aids was addressed to “Our neighbor on the corner.” Oh dear Lord. How do I get out of going to this dildo party? J and I wished that such an experience could be on a television show akin to The Office, in which cameras followed me to capture my surreptitious horrified and amused glances. I’d totally go then.

Also, I have a jar of "Grandma Salad" in the fridge. No, I'm not kidding about the name. It's some kind of pickled vegetable product I bought in 2006 so I could do a taste-test blog for you. Think it's still good? Should I eat it just so I can tell you about how awful it was?

15 comments:

  1. i'm not sure what scares me more, tornadoes (oh my god i'd literally FREAK OUT if there was a tornado anywhere near me, unless a trip over the rainbow was imminent and i was promised some sort of christian louboutin red sparkly shoes), or the idea of "grandma salad" and what that may involve.

    you're my hero.

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  2. The answer is "yes". Yes you should.

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  3. NO! Step away from the fridge! I care enough to tell you the truth.

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  4. LOL - becuase the front of Copps is much safer then the back.
    You know, all the nice windows and liquor bottles up there.

    Grandma salad? is that made of grandmas? SOYLENT GREEN!!! EEEKKK!!

    (I still think you should try it. It may be tasty, made of the nice grandmas who bake cookies.)

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  5. I think you should bring the Grandma Salad to the dildo party. That should guarantee you won't be asked back again.

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  6. I totally understand about the blogging drought followed by blogging manna, followed by another drought. I'm just enjoying your many posts while they last. :-) The story of your mom in Target cracked me up. As for the marital aid party, several of my husband's coworkers keep trying to get me to go to one of their parties. They keep letting him know to invite him. I can't imagine how thrilled I wouldn't be if Tim went to something like that with some of my coworkers, so I will abstain for his sake (that's my excuse, at least. In reality, the thought just kind of creeps me out in general.) As for the grandma salad, well, your readers are pretty amazing, but on the whole I just don't think we're worth food poisoning. I vote you toss it. Unless, of course, the eat by date indicates it's still good. In which case you should probably toss it anyway, because what kind of chemicals would they have laced it with to keep it good for so long?

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  7. you TOTALLY have to go to the party. It will entertain us all when you blog about it. Seriously!

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  8. Shit! I ran over here first thing this morning because I thought your book was coming out today. Apparently, I dropped a zero. *Sigh* I'll be back in eighteen days.

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  9. Bring the Grandma salad to the dildo party. That should solve a future invite.

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  10. Oh, Jess, I've been away too long. You never fail to make me howl in laughter and when is your book out? Summer? Can't wait.

    Grocery shopping on a Friday night "Why no, I haven't shaved my legs since Easter of 2005! How'd you guess?!" HOW TRUE! And, then, there's the dildo party. Aaack!

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  11. I'm with Elizabeth on this one...

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  12. Unless you're bucking for an All Day Tour of Ptomaine Palace? I'd say stay away from the Grandma Salad. Just my opinion.

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  13. If they're only selling dildoes, dont' go. Hold out for a party that sells soemthing that needs batteries, would be my advice.

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  14. "My mom opted to outrun the tornado and go to Target, which was not encouraging anyone to stand in hardware or personal hygiene or electronics."

    can't...breathe...laughing...too hard.

    My parents recently called me (early February) when all those tornadoes hit Kentucky and Tennessee. they were driving through those areas on their way down to Florida HOURS after the storms hit.

    They called from their cell phone and it went something like this, "OH HONEY!! I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS WIND!! I THOUGHT THE WINDOWS WERE DOWN, BUT THEY'RE NOT!! IT'S SO WINDY! YOUR FATHER CAN BARELY KEEP THE CAR ON THE ROAD!!! THE PLACE LOOKS LIKE A WAR ZONE! WE'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU LATER, OKAY? OKAY...BYE, BYE."

    My hair stood on end for a week.

    And don't you dare eat that shit.

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  15. I suspect that if yuo eat a big pickle salad you will have to issue a tornado warning of your own.

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