Thursday, June 11, 2009

Well, it's no Tilted Kilt...

My dear bloggy friend Jules tagged me for a meme, and just in time, because I was about to post some bullshit about the weather and things I've been doing to procrastinate (weird cooking, weeding, reading, beading...just kidding about the beading). So this is the deal about the meme:

"Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie."

What is your biggest contribution to the world?

Plastics. You’re familiar with them, correct? Also, the sans-serif font. That was me, too.

What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Their dignity.

I simply prefer theirs to mine.

What did you eat last night?

First, I crumpled up a wad of prosciutto. Then, I wrapped it in a thick slab of bacon. Then, I stuffed it in a deep-fried guinea pig. THEN, I stuffed the meat-full guinea pig into the cavity of a greasy, plump duck. I roasted that in its own juices, and stuffed the duck into a corn and hormone-addled, genetically-engineered turkey, and finally, into the carcass of a smallish deer. It’s no Turducken, but I think the Probapiguckturdeer might catch on.

What really lights your fire?

Men who litter indiscriminately and talk about their tax bracket. Bonus points if they do this while wearing a leopard print thong and a gold anklet. I also enjoy it if they have shifty eyes, tell misogynistic jokes, and are emotionally unavailable.

What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

I was about to type “Nothing truly pisses me off” when I looked two posts down, and there it is. Evidence that something as innocuous as a large lawn pisses me off to the point that I nearly need to be physically restrained.

Name something you hoard and keep from others:

Diesel exhaust. I’ve been inhaling a lot of it lately. It’s a special little treat I wish I could keep all to myself. My own little private International Coffees / Calgon retreat moment, right there in my rapidly graying lungs. Unfortunately, the whole neighborhood is also experiencing this delicious breathing event (and yes, it is an event, I’m not ashamed to call it such), so I don’t suppose you could say I’m able to hoard this fine particulate matter. Such a pity.

What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

Well, I worked three jobs while taking 15 credits a semester my final year in college. But I totally could have done more. I could have been planning a wedding, traveling, applying for full-time jobs, writing shitty, self-indulgent prose, and moving, also.

I’ll always regret these missed opportunities.

I'm tagging Suzy, Katie, Jeff, Little Ms. Blogger, Melissa, Shelly, and Tia.

PS: My talented author pal Eileen Cook is running a fabulous contest over at her site, for a $75 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice. You have 'til July 2nd to enter, so go check it out. Tell 'er Large Marge sent ya.


  1. Awesome answers. I'm drooling right now for a large helping of Probapiguckturdeer. Mmmmm.

    And I can totally do this meme. It's right up my alley, which is really odd considering my neighborhood doesn't even have alleys.

  2. Awesome. I'll get on this tomorrow.

  3. I loved your answers, esp the gluttony one. :) This is why I tagged you.

    I thought of you today, and your love of butterflies, when I heard this radio show in the car. Thought you might find it interesting, and if not, perhaps the book. Turns out there's a whole fascinating world out there of butterfly lovers and growers and strong opinions on all sides.

    The show is called Forum, and it's produced locally on our NPR station. Allow me to brag and say that my husband filled in once when the host was on vacation. Awesome.

    Anyway, here's the link:

  4. hahah awesome. the i totally laughed out loud at the "sans serif font" part.

    i can't wait to do this.


  5. Dude, I see there have been BIG changes here in Rileyland since you're so famous and all. Oh yeah, I don't do memes but thanks for thinking of another way for me to waste my time INSTEAD OF WRITING MY GODFUCKINGKILLME BOOK. xxoo

  6. I think I might know JUST the guy for you!
    Too funny--the diesel exhaust. Your humor slays me.