bric-a-brac, paddy-whack, give a blog a groan

If you've been reading this blog since its inception almost a year ago (which, in blog time, equals a full century), you probably already know that I can be a bit weird. Members of my family, and sometimes even my coworkers, remind me of this frequently.

Which is fine, because who wants to read blogs written by normal people? Barbara Walters might, but I certainly don't! Anyway, I thought that today I'd create a "grab-bag" post of potential blog entries and notes I've jotted to myself only to find days, sometimes weeks later, after all meaning has seeped from the text. Usually these messages-to-myself are meant to go in my book files, helping me flesh out a character or theme. Unfortunately, when I re-read them, they often seem incoherent at best. Like what I recently found scrawled on the back of a receipt in my purse:

• Perkins whole pie incident
• Scuba sex show
• There's someone in the house sleep walking!
• Poop undies in corner
• Bucket of KFC

I am pretty sure I scribbled these notes at a party while a friend was telling us about his honeymoon. *pause for a beat* Yes, his honeymoon. Some of these incidents may end up in a future project, except for the "bucket of KFC" because I can't remember what the hell that was all about.

And check out these never-used "possible blog entry" tidbits from my (bad) idea draft folder:

• "Have you ever been out to dinner at the Applebee’s in Oshkosh on a very cold December evening and this crazy girl at the next table is loudly asking her dining partner, 'So which of your friends was the one who used to stick a carrot up his ass?' If so, I sincerely apologize."

Gee, wasn't that the same girl who came up with shitty blogging ideas?

• (Written after my last birthday): "Dad wanted to have dinner at this local restaurant called 'Green Acres' outside Dotyville. It’s an actual restaurant in someone’s ranch home…how awesome is that?!? Mom’s response was, 'But Peter, it’s her birthday. What if she wants to go somewhere else?' Dad’s reply: 'Yeah, we all want to go to Tofu Palace.'"

Well, if Tofu Palace was in a split-level with shag carpeting and swag lighting in the bathroom, who WOULDN'T want to go?

• "Have you ever farted in bed, and it was of such scope and substance that it actually woke your spouse up and made them cry a little? Nope? Okay, good. Neither have I. "

The second in my "Have you ever" series. I can't imagine why I never posted this one. It's simply dripping with class.

• "Milk and a vegetable at every meal. Pizza with baked beans and peas. And 2% milk in a scuffed-up Tupperware cup. Other things to rant on: Duct-tape diet"

Jesus Wept Like a Busted Televangelist on Larry King. Duct-tape diet? Really? Apparently, this was written during my "pissed off at all food and developing an urge to alienate any potential readers" phase.

• "Did I tell you I actually went Christmas caroling this year?"

Did I ever tell you this is probably a story you should take to your grave? (to myself)

• "Before I hit puberty, I talked so much I’m surprised I never sprained my mouth. Then I once dated a boy for nine whole months before saying more than two words to his parents."

I don't know where I was going with this one, but I can practically hear the comments rolling in. Can't you?

• "Watching the Olympics always makes me want to work out. To better myself physically. To put down the Tostitos, get up off the couch, and start training for a marathon. It also reminds me of the time when my twelve year-old self announced to my entire extended family at a cousin’s birthday party that I would medal in freestyle swimming at the next summer Olympics. Never mind the fact that we lived more than ten miles from the nearest pool, I could hardly swim, I didn’t really like to swim, drowning topped my list of Worst Ways to Die, and I wasn’t from Australia. "

In my defense, I was ... well, I actually don't have much of an excuse for this other than "it seemed like a good idea at the time and I may or may not have had temporary lead poisoning."

• "She felt as out of place as Christmas lights in May."

Somewhere in southeastern Wisconsin my 9th grade English teacher is shuddering uncontrollably, with a sudden, inexplicable urge to weep.

• "Poop shaped like a pretzel."

Wow! Another reference to fecal matter! Imagine that.

So there you have it. Bad blogging ideas that were never to see the light of day--unearthed to recoil from the light like the slugs they are.