Monday, October 02, 2006

bric-a-brac, paddy-whack, give a blog a groan

If you've been reading this blog since its inception almost a year ago (which, in blog time, equals a full century), you probably already know that I can be a bit weird. Members of my family, and sometimes even my coworkers, remind me of this frequently.

Which is fine, because who wants to read blogs written by normal people? Barbara Walters might, but I certainly don't! Anyway, I thought that today I'd create a "grab-bag" post of potential blog entries and notes I've jotted to myself only to find days, sometimes weeks later, after all meaning has seeped from the text. Usually these messages-to-myself are meant to go in my book files, helping me flesh out a character or theme. Unfortunately, when I re-read them, they often seem incoherent at best. Like what I recently found scrawled on the back of a receipt in my purse:
  • Perkins whole pie incident
  • Scuba sex show
  • There's someone in the house sleep walking!
  • Poop undies in corner
  • Bucket of KFC
I am pretty sure I scribbled these notes at a party while a friend was telling us about his honeymoon. *pause for a beat* Yes, his honeymoon. Some of these incidents may end up in a future project, except for the "bucket of KFC" because I can't remember what the hell that was all about.

And check out these never-used "possible blog entry" tidbits from my (bad) idea draft folder:
  • "Have you ever been out to dinner at the Applebee’s in Oshkosh on a very cold December evening and this crazy girl at the next table is loudly asking her dining partner, 'So which of your friends was the one who used to stick a carrot up his ass?' If so, I sincerely apologize."
Gee, wasn't that the same girl who came up with shitty blogging ideas?
  • (Written after my last birthday): "Dad wanted to have dinner at this local restaurant called 'Green Acres' outside Dotyville. It’s an actual restaurant in someone’s ranch home…how awesome is that?!? Mom’s response was, 'But Peter, it’s her birthday. What if she wants to go somewhere else?' Dad’s reply: 'Yeah, we all want to go to Tofu Palace.'"
Well, if Tofu Palace was in a split-level with shag carpeting and swag lighting in the bathroom, who WOULDN'T want to go?
  • "Have you ever farted in bed, and it was of such scope and substance that it actually woke your spouse up and made them cry a little? Nope? Okay, good. Neither have I. "
The second in my "Have you ever" series. I can't imagine why I never posted this one. It's simply dripping with class.
  • "Milk and a vegetable at every meal. Pizza with baked beans and peas. And 2% milk in a scuffed-up Tupperware cup. Other things to rant on: Duct-tape diet"
Jesus Wept Like a Busted Televangelist on Larry King. Duct-tape diet? Really? Apparently, this was written during my "pissed off at all food and developing an urge to alienate any potential readers" phase.
  • "Did I tell you I actually went Christmas caroling this year?"
Did I ever tell you this is probably a story you should take to your grave? (to myself)
  • "Before I hit puberty, I talked so much I’m surprised I never sprained my mouth. Then I once dated a boy for nine whole months before saying more than two words to his parents."
I don't know where I was going with this one, but I can practically hear the comments rolling in. Can't you?
  • "Watching the Olympics always makes me want to work out. To better myself physically. To put down the Tostitos, get up off the couch, and start training for a marathon. It also reminds me of the time when my twelve year-old self announced to my entire extended family at a cousin’s birthday party that I would medal in freestyle swimming at the next summer Olympics. Never mind the fact that we lived more than ten miles from the nearest pool, I could hardly swim, I didn’t really like to swim, drowning topped my list of Worst Ways to Die, and I wasn’t from Australia. "
In my defense, I was ... well, I actually don't have much of an excuse for this other than "it seemed like a good idea at the time and I may or may not have had temporary lead poisoning."
  • "She felt as out of place as Christmas lights in May."
Somewhere in southeastern Wisconsin my 9th grade English teacher is shuddering uncontrollably, with a sudden, inexplicable urge to weep.
  • "Poop shaped like a pretzel."
Wow! Another reference to fecal matter! Imagine that.

So there you have it. Bad blogging ideas that were never to see the light of day--unearthed to recoil from the light like the slugs they are.


  1. you watching the olympics inciting the workout fever is like me watching a commericial for taco bell. it incites the lard ass in me to strap on the feed bag on go for broke on the spicy chicken wrap/burrito/taco.

    and i'm all about the poop examination. call me the rorshach analyst of poop.

  2. "Poop undies in corner"

    A phrase that only a parent would understand.

  3. poop undies in corner....also on top of washing machine....and is there still one in the car? In a bag in the car, I mean?

  4. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I think I may have sprained my mouth.

  5. Christmas lights in May aren't out of place to some people, sadly. Love the Olympics bit - I think that would have been a great post! We can all relate to "wanting" to work out and get in shape, but not exactly following through on those big dreams.

  6. I keep a notebook of ideas, too. Read aloud weeks later they do tend to lose their brilliance, don't they? None of my ideas mention poop. Is that a bad thing?

  7. Anonymous10:59 AM

    lol, I have a draft email I write to myself with all of my ideas of things I want to memtion on my blog. to an outsider reading it, they would think I'm NUTS.

    "Poop undies in corner"

    please, do tell. ;)

  8. Don't give up on your Olympic's not to late!

    It may, however, be to late for those undies in the corner.

  9. Wow. I wish my list of bad blogging ideas was as funny as yours! And I honestly would like to hear about the pretzel poop, KFC bucket and I like your christmas lights simile.

  10. Hey Jess! Been a while; thanks for popping over to Manic's the other day!

    Love your 'thoughts' folder ideas. I need to start coming up with some of my own!

    Saw you over at Eileen Cook's -- man, I think you, Eileen, Swish and I could tear it up if the four of us ever got together! xo

  11. Aw Jess I love you... just the way you are.

    Although coming from me, a fellow nut, that may not be encouraging. ;)

    P.S. I may never get over the mental images of "poop undies in a corner" or "poop shaped like a pretzel." Thanks.

  12. Hilarious!! I'm totally laughing.

    OK--me, Manic, Eileen and Jess!?!? HELLO FUN TIMES! We SO have to do it.

  13. JESS!!! I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! OOOhhhhh too funny....whew.

    that was excellent.

    are we related?

  14. Loved these! I'd love to hear more about the scuba sex. That sounds very interesting....

    Thanks for visiting my blog btw. Looks like we travel around the same neck of the blogosphere. Can't believe we've never met!

  15. Um, yeah, does the duct tape diet work?

    The poop shaped pretzel and the fart are so so disturbing. Just makes me miss that we won't have the full story. Right?!

  16. Scuba sex? Okay. Never mind.

  17. I kinda want to read about the poop shaped like a pretzel. Is that wrong of me?

  18. I think this might have actually been my favorite post of yours ever. I'm still giggling.

    Of course I laugh because I know your pain. Except for the fart thing because I never fart.

    Too freaking classy to fart.

  19. On the back of a receipt. LOL You're killin' me! Love it!

  20. Hey Jess,
    this was hilarious. Haven't been blogging much so I missed your news about the debut! Congrats. You must finish the blog entry regarding poop underpants in the corner. I do the same thing, leave notes to go back to later. I'm so happy for your news.

  21. I swear, yours is the only blog that makes me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I'm a housewife (hate that word) and nobody can hear me laughing out loud.

    You are just too frickin' funny.

  22. Hi Jess, I just stopped by to catch up... then I went outside to check my fire and I noticed that I got up to "This old man, he played nine, he played knick-knack on my pine..." and I blame you. Completely. YOU!!

    And here's something of substance. I found a perfect dry sand-dollar on the scratching pad this morning. The kitten's not talking. I have no idea where it came from. I'm hoping to find my glasses there next.


  23. It would've been a crying shame to waste these.

    BTW, "2% milk in a scuffed-up Tupperware cup" flashed me back to meals of tater tots and fishsticks.

  24. And I shall use this post as reason #1 why I would love to be your BFF.

  25. Oh jesus. It's way to early in the morning for me to be laughing this hard.

  26. This is hysterical. I laughed so hard. Love your blog. So glad I found you.

  27. I missed you, I love you, I want to run away with you to a quiet mountaintop cabin where you can make me laugh all day long.

    Say yes? Please?

    While we're there, you can tell me about the Perkins whole pie incident which, believe it or not, sounds even better than the Scuba sex show.

  28. I thought this was hilarious...although it made me concerned about what you must think of MY blog entries...

    Also, I hope my honeymoon does not involve any poop undies, in the corner or elsewhere.

  29. Dear Jess,

    I'm so glad I found you!! You're playing real good, for free. I feel I know your voice until you throw a complete curve. Thank you. Funny as hell. This is blog crack. Whoops! addicted!

  30. You ARE weird. But in a good way.

  31. Anonymous11:40 AM

    ... maybe the carrot person just wanted to ensure that he didn't like it. and only did it one time ... ;)

  32. I think you are entirely too hard on yourself. But that is probably why you will be a published writer and I will still be blogging at my kitchen table.