Friday, October 06, 2006

More from the "True Story" Files

Yesterday I met with two lovely clients, and of course after the meeting I blabbered on about my book. This is a problem I’m battling. Even when I can sense people feigning interest just to be polite, there I go, prattling on and on and segueing clumsily into our latest remodeling project and the horsehair we found in our plaster and my fear that we’ll never sell our house because it’s not up to code. It’s so not up to code it’s probably included in the “if you build a house like this you're a complete idiot” chapter of at least three architectural textbooks. Yes, this is a true story.

Oh, the humanity.

The good news is that my awkward diarrhea of the mouth will prevent me from ever running for office. (Hmmm… “awkward diarrhea.” Can’t wait to see what kind of Google hits I get now!)

After I returned home I was forced to hide under my computer desk because guess who came to the door? That’s right, people distributing religious literature! This time it was the Baptists. Once they’d deduced that either nobody was home or the lady of the house was hiding under some furniture like the coward that she is, they progressed down the street and entered into a lengthy conversation with a neighbor who was outside making a racket with a leaf blower. Poor guy, he never heard them coming.

Anyway, they stood outside chatting for probably half an hour. What do Everyday Joes and Janes talk to the roaming Bible people about? Do they split hairs over different interpretations of scripture? Are they discussing how evil Harry Potter is? Are they talking about the price of tea in China? (Well, maybe if said tea was sold by godless Communists.)

An hour later, the refrigerator repairman arrived. Not unexpectedly. Of course he was invited, because our fridge is busily planning a trip to the Great Appliance Graveyard Around the Bend. “Nice day,” I remarked (oh, the wit!), trying to make small talk while he unpacked some tools. “I know. I shoulda called in,” was his reply. After more repairman banter he studied the photos on my fridge and pointed to a holiday photo of my friend and her husband. “This the guy?” he asked. Meaning, ‘is this your husband?’ Nevermind the fact that I look nothing like the woman in the photo. Nevermind the creepy factor. Here's the thing: he was pointing to a Seasons Greetings! photo card. “Not unless I send myself a holiday photo card OF myself, and then tape it to the fridge,” is what I should have said. “Um, no,” is what I actually said, my wit exceeding—no, smashing—all limits heretofore restraining it.

And then he opened the freezer. “Hey! That’s where I store my vodka, too!”

True story, folks.

Let me leave you with this headline from Poland. Please click. You won’t be sorry.


  1. Oh my god, I never click links in posts, and I am SO GLAD I did this time...

  2. Lovely link. Love it.

    Sorry about your diarreah. I'm kinda shy in person, so my diarreah comes out in my blog, where I think, Oh, I trimmed a nose hair. I'd better blog about it. Maybe that's better than in person, because people don't have to feign interest. Maybe not. I don't know.

    Good thinking on hiding from the Baptists. God folk scare me.

  3. Manic Mom doesn't have her vodka around long enough to store it anywhere...

    Martini anyone?

  4. Can you imagine how smelly it would be in this country if everyone acted the same way when asked about our president?

    And we keep the gin in our freezer.

  5. Horsehair plaster, huh? Yeah, I remember the day I started hammering into our walls only to find horsehair plaster within. I wept bitter tears the color of so much money into a large pit.

    Ah, I love old houses!

    And that link was definitely a good one! I'm so proud of my Polish heritage.

    You're a gas, lol!

  6. Is diarrhea ever NOT awkward?

    Interpol is looking for a guy with gas? Do they not have anything better to do? Is flatulence now an international crime? Hope they don't find my Uncle Louis.

  7. Did I hear vodka? Let me make you a lemon drop!!! Greetings from a former cheesehead :o)

  8. God, that link is the best. story. ever.

  9. I think it's cool that you're so excited about your book. I can't wait to read it!

    I guess the free speech issue doesn't apply to talking out of your butt.

  10. Love the link. Cackled out loud.

    Do what I do - tell the religious solicitors that you're Jewish.

  11. Whether or not people are thrilled to hear about it, I think it's great that you're telling everyone about your book. Who knows who they'll pass the word on to next? That's something I'm struggling with; when/if I'm published, I'll have to talk about my writing a lot, which feels like talking about myself. And I'm not big on talking about myself, especially when it feels suspiciously like bragging.

    Great article; thanks for linking to it. Wonder how they'd handle, say, Jon Stewart?

    I was sad to see some of the others "In the Breakroom". Since I'm back to blogging, I'm finally getting caught up on reading others' blogs, and I hadn't yet noticed that they were gone. I guess we all need a time out on occasion. Maybe they'll be back soon, too.

  12. I think it's great to tell people about your book too!

    Also - that link would be a lot more funny if people weren't arrested here for having an opinion. In Denver just last week a man was arrested for telling Cheney he disliked his Irag policy. ARRESTED.

  13. Maybe that guy just had Mexican food the night before, with extra beans! On my God..that is just ridiculous to be arrested over something like a bodily function. It is kinda funny, though :)
    I hide when I get solicitations, too, especially from someone selling relgious salvation. Call me a coward. I'm ok with that.
    I wouldn't worry about taling about your book. It is A BIG DEAL to be published! You should be proud! Hey, I'd be telling everyone who would listen if I were in your shoes.

  14. Well religious people come to the door my husband tells them we are satanists. The link was a thing of beauty.

  15. Anonymous10:12 PM

    lmao! sounds like he was hittin the vodka right before he got to your house!!

  16. Love the link. And love lemon drops. Funny.

  17. lemon drops are all the craze these days....came over due to your comment on my friend Jillie's blog!! Nice site, I am an AVID reader of all books.

  18. Anonymous12:35 PM

    Wow, those repairmen really are shameless.

    Too bad your neighbor didn't turn the leaf blower on those good Christian soldiers. It would've been fun to see all those pamphlets tumbling through the neighborhood.

  19. I'm not sure how this will make me seem but I really enjoy arguing with Jehovah's witnesses. I have been known to have them in for tea. I figure everyone wins. I enjoy a good debate, they get to feel they are doing their duty and my neighbours are spared their attentions.

    If you want to get rid of JWs quickly the best line is: "Given that you can't translate John 1 correctly I'm not sure where this will get us". This may seem a bit arsey but it works.

  20. Ah Jess, you always, unfailingly, give me a laugh whenever I visit.

    I personally think you have every right to go on about your book. It's a freakin' book! How many people can actually say that they'll be published by a major house! Trust me. Those clients went back to their offices and bragged about you. There is no way that you're not charming.

    Saying hi from below. Go out and bury St. Joseph in your backyard. He'll not only help sell your house but will eliminate any and all code violations.

  21. Okay, that is my favorite headline of the year.

    And I'd watch out for that overly-curious refrigerator repairman. Something tells me he's wanting to show you more than his butt-crack.

  22. It must've been all the saurkraut.

  23. Yay! Fart humor!

    Oy - the verbal diarrhea. It's a plague, isn't it? I can hear my 8th grade englsigh teacher saying "you've got diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain." This was the same Englsigh teached who taught us about double entendre in Shakespeare. Loved that guy.

  24. LMAO. That link should be the punchline to a joke that begins, "How to keep the Polish busy."

    I wonder if they have blood hounds out sniffing for a trail?

  25. I'd be in the slammer for farting here. Poland is such a great country. I really do love it and this story brought a smile to my face.

  26. That link is just nuts.

    And I'm lovin' your description of the Baptists and your unfortunate neighbor. Poor guy, indeed.

    Can't tell you how many times I've been accosted by the Jehovah's Witnesses over the years.

    But Baptists? Never.

    Wonder if they'll make it down my way... if so, thanks for the heads up.

  27. I was just telling my friend the other day - the religious extremists NEVER pick me! It's as if they don't care about me at all. Too bad really, cause there are fun conversations to be had.