Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A Halloween Tribute to My Daily Commute and a Portion of my Workday

Behold the horror captured in these photographs…moments of sheer terror--trapped, on naked, frightful display for posterity like a tray of thawed and rubbery farm-raised shrimp at the meat counter. Join me, won’t you, as we travel through the gut-wrenching fear that is my daily commute (and a portion of my workday). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee! (Whenever this appears, it indicates a piercing scream. Primal terror should follow.)


Take a look, if you will, at the creeping miasma overtaking my city. Walgreens sits, as it has for years, stolidly on the left, innocently refilling Paxil prescriptions and offering a large selection of dental hygiene products. Oh, but do you see the sneaking monster being cobbled to life on the right? What is it? Can you make it out? It’s….ANOTHER WALGREENS, RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET!!!!! Move over, Blob…a crawling, oozing mass of ectoplasm is nothing compared to the hungry appetite of THE SPRAWLING WALGREENS, consuming local private elementary school facilities like popcorn with extra butter.* Coming soon to a busy intersection near you.

The desolate stretch of road … a staple in horror films since days of gore I mean YORE. What lurks beyond this dead man’s curve? A monster? Kim Jong Ill riding a nuclear warhead? Ghostly hooligans playing street hockey?


No! It is CHEMICALLY-ENHANCED LAWNS AND YARD SIGNS FOR POLITICIANS I’M NOT VOTING FOR!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee!

(Fear, if you will, the absence of photo depicting this shocking display. It is because a massive, rusty, car-eating truck bore down on me and almost ran me off the road, just like in the most original of scary movies, and I was unable to pull over to capture the traumatizing scene.)

Next: Little Shop of Horrors is child’s play compared to …

Cramped Cubicle of Overgrown Houseplants!!!

It began innocently enough: a short cutting was potted. Water was administered. Positions were tested to provide ample light. Months later, THIS has begun curving and sending out leaves as they reach for me. One day soon I will feel a cool, photosynthesis-y tap at the back of my neck.

But wait; look to your right, at the view from my desk. The view from THE ONLY WINDOW IN THE ROOM. *shudder* If hell exists, here it is. I can almost hear the screams of marketing executives, graphic artists, sign designers, architects, and interior designers from my chair…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee!

There goes one now!

And behold: if I look beyond these scenes of tragedy, I can tell the time AND feel an ongoing, residual sense of shame from a childhood cycle of sinning, stewing in guilt, confessing, and saying three Hail Marys and one Our Father as penance: It is...THE CHURCH STEEPLE! Mwah-hah-haaaaa!

The time has come to return home. Along the way, look, if you dare, at the murky waters of this gray lake. “The endocrine-disrupting chemical-laden fish is coming to GET YOU, Barbara!”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee!

Happy Halloween. And now, I'm off to avoid encroaching Walgreens wherever they may be.

*Guess what? Yes, you’re right. I attended kindergarten at the Catholic school TORN DOWN on this very site to make way for the Walgreens. Since I’ve documented a history of religious buildings from my youth being torn down in recent months (as evidenced in my April 13 post), this really isn’t all that surprising to me. Pissed at your priest, rabbi, minister, shaman, or imam? Invite me over and they’ll be tearing down your place of worship in no time!

31 comments:

  1. I live in that city. Holy moly, girl. 2 writers in FDL?

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  2. And, BTW, I grew up 2 blocks from that first pic where Walgreens in going up. I hate to see the old chuch getting surrounded by construction. It was a part of my youth. I played basketball there.

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  3. I have long suspected that Walgreens had a world domination plan. Now I have proof

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  4. Yeah, while the world is worried that Walmart is taking over, the other "Wal" power is stealthly creeping in. Pretty scary. It looks pretty much the same here "down south."

    Happy Halloween, Jess!

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  5. WHY! Why don't I own Walgreen's stock? Whyyyyyyyy!

    Happy Halloween.

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  6. I want very badly to frequent a place with the balls to call itself Slim & Chubby's.

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  7. hehehe great tour!!! Have a wonderful Halloween!

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  8. i like the last pic, that looks so nice even though you can tell it is cold. I am a midwest girl too, just had to migrate southwest.

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  9. Funny how you notice the strangest things on Halloween? Clever post. The Walgreens photo is a hoot. Maybe the new Walgreens will REPLACE the old???

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  10. Yes, I've noticed the Walgreens insanity as well.

    When we lived in Chicago a few years back, there were five of 'em within easy walking distance of our apartment... and here in Wisconsin, six Walgreens are just five minutes away by car.

    Oh joy!

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  11. I think CVS and Walgreens are on a building race to see which one can bankrupt the other one first. New ones are shooting up daily here in Houston.

    Nice tour. Thanks.

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  12. "Slim & Chubby", oh my God I need to get a pair pf pets now.

    That view is terrifying.I'm thinking of all the orange oopah loopahs that come of out that tanning salon bumping into the S&C patrons. Sweet Pete that is a scary visual.

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  13. Hey, I know those places! I too am a resident of the site of your scary tour. Who knew there were so many brilliant minds located in Fonnalac? ;)

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  14. I don't know the name of that plant in your office, but we have them growing wild in our yard.

    And is it just me or does the Electric Beach Tanning Salon sound particularly, deliciously midwestern ;o)

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  15. The country would be SO much better off if we had "Slim And Chubby's" "going up" on every corner instead of Walgreens.

    Walgreens??? AAAAHHHH!!! RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES!!!!

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  16. You crack me up as always. I hate the whole strip mall across from deserted strip mall thing. We're going to become a nation of strip mall carcasses. America the not-really-beautiful.

    The Walgreens incident reminds me of that great line in Best in Show when Parker Posey explains that she met her husband because she was in Starbucks and he was at the Starbucks across the street.

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  17. My town looks like some kind of giant puked up retail stores all over the place. At least you have a lake - even if it is gray.

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  18. Anonymous3:54 PM

    Very, very funny. They're seriously going to keep both of those Walgreen's open? I assumed when I saw the pic that the old one would be replaced for the shiny, glossy new one. Otherwise, that is just scary-crazy.

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  19. Two, two Walgreens! That's just crazy!
    But I think I'd like to go to Slim and Chubbys. I believe they may serve alcholic beverages there.

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  20. *Snort* You're a nut. I love the photo post. Although the view from your window looks like something out of a model village. I mean, Slim and Chubbys?!

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  21. WTF? Why are they building another one? Are they expanding maybe? Moving to a bigger building? I'm laughing my hiney off at your commentary. :-)

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  22. Hey Jess,
    in Oakmont, PA we are being treated to the Walgreens experience...opening soon right down the street. I don't understand giant pharmacies. I can't imagine what they're selling in this gigantic place, but I'll let you know soon. Really are they drugstores or flea markets that sell drugs? At least sell the fun stuff if the whole pharmacy thing is a ruse.

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  23. Anonymous1:47 PM

    Slim and Chubby's looks like my kind of dive!

    walgreens across the street from...walgreens? who do they think they are? starbucks?

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  24. Jess, you crack me up.

    And those signs out your window? Priceless.

    (Please post pictures of the interior of Slim & Chubby's soon!)

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  25. Considering that the view outside my workplace is a parking lot and a Starbuck's, I'd take your view any day.

    Also, I heard that if you sprinkle salt on a WalGreens, they go away.

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  26. This was a great virtual tour! That office plant is way outta control though. Be careful, it doesn't eat you! LOL

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  27. How do you do it??? I can't even keep a basil plant alive!

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  28. That plant is scaring the shit out of me. Send it to me; I'll kill it. Without even trying.

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  29. Oh, Jess...you had me laughing out loud with this one! Brilliant.

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  30. I can't decide which is more frightening, the plant (IT LOOKS LIKE THE KIND THAT WILL EAT ITS YOUNG) or Slim & Chubby's.

    On second thought, maybe it is the ever expanding Walgreens...

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  31. I actually like the view from your work window. It's the Walgreens that are like weeds popping up everywhere.

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