Behold the horror captured in these photographs…moments of sheer terror--trapped, on naked, frightful display for posterity like a tray of thawed and rubbery farm-raised shrimp at the meat counter. Join me, won’t you, as we travel through the gut-wrenching fear that is my daily commute (and a portion of my workday). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeee! (Whenever this appears, it indicates a piercing scream. Primal terror should follow.)
Take a look, if you will, at the creeping miasma overtaking my city. Walgreens sits, as it has for years, stolidly on the left, innocently refilling Paxil prescriptions and offering a large selection of dental hygiene products. Oh, but do you see the sneaking monster being cobbled to life on the right? What is it? Can you make it out? It’s….ANOTHER WALGREENS, RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET!!!!! Move over, Blob…a crawling, oozing mass of ectoplasm is nothing compared to the hungry appetite of THE SPRAWLING WALGREENS, consuming local private elementary school facilities like popcorn with extra butter.* Coming soon to a busy intersection near you.
The desolate stretch of road … a staple in horror films since days of gore I mean YORE. What lurks beyond this dead man’s curve? A monster? Kim Jong Ill riding a nuclear warhead? Ghostly hooligans playing street hockey?
No! It is CHEMICALLY-ENHANCED LAWNS AND YARD SIGNS FOR POLITICIANS I’M NOT VOTING FOR!!!
(Fear, if you will, the absence of photo depicting this shocking display. It is because a massive, rusty, car-eating truck bore down on me and almost ran me off the road, just like in the most original of scary movies, and I was unable to pull over to capture the traumatizing scene.)
Next: Little Shop of Horrors is child’s play compared to …
Cramped Cubicle of Overgrown Houseplants!!!
It began innocently enough: a short cutting was potted. Water was administered. Positions were tested to provide ample light. Months later, THIS has begun curving and sending out leaves as they reach for me. One day soon I will feel a cool, photosynthesis-y tap at the back of my neck.
But wait; look to your right, at the view from my desk. The view from THE ONLY WINDOW IN THE ROOM. *shudder* If hell exists, here it is. I can almost hear the screams of marketing executives, graphic artists, sign designers, architects, and interior designers from my chair…
There goes one now!
And behold: if I look beyond these scenes of tragedy, I can tell the time AND feel an ongoing, residual sense of shame from a childhood cycle of sinning, stewing in guilt, confessing, and saying three Hail Marys and one Our Father as penance: It is...THE CHURCH STEEPLE! Mwah-hah-haaaaa!
The time has come to return home. Along the way, look, if you dare, at the murky waters of this gray lake. “The endocrine-disrupting chemical-laden fish is coming to GET YOU, Barbara!”
Happy Halloween. And now, I'm off to avoid encroaching Walgreens wherever they may be.
*Guess what? Yes, you’re right. I attended kindergarten at the Catholic school TORN DOWN on this very site to make way for the Walgreens. Since I’ve documented a history of religious buildings from my youth being torn down in recent months (as evidenced in my April 13 post), this really isn’t all that surprising to me. Pissed at your priest, rabbi, minister, shaman, or imam? Invite me over and they’ll be tearing down your place of worship in no time!