Bake it Like a Polaroid Picture

This weekend I caught Betty Crocker fever. It differs from the Fever for the Flavor for a Pringle only in this: you must create—through a highly scientific combination of flavorful ingredients and careful, timed heat application—the calorie-dense morsels you crave.

Anyway, welcome to my holiday baking post. I call it “Scones, scones, scones, scones, SCONES!” (sung to the melody of Sisqo’s “Thong, tha-thong-tha-THONG!”)

I even have photographic evidence that I was Martha Stewarting it all over the kitchen. Behold, MY SCONES!

No, these are not triangular omelettes. They are freshly baked orange cranberry scones, recipe courtesy of Starbucks.

Cherry Cream, right from the oven. Yes, the cherries look like lesions. But I can assure you--they most certainly do not taste like lesions.

(Chocolate-almond in Extreme Close-up Mode. Four eggs, people. And whole cream.)

(Lemon-Poppyseed. And please, get your m ind out of the gutter. That's ICING.
Note two missing scones with icing-like chalk outline. This serves to indicate deliciousness. And mayhem.)

The Cajones of these Scones. Full of calcium, good for bones! My favorite Monkee? Davy Jones!

(God help me, the rhyming! I can’t turn it off!!)

Lest you believe this baking frenzy was the result of a head injury resulting from a smash to the face with a metal folding chair sustained via my new weekend hobby of amateur cage wrestling*, I should fess up that not only were these bastards easy to make (easier than cookies? Yes, loyal and clever reader, easier than cookies. Way.), but they are also gifts.

(Hey, officemates reading this: Guess what you’re getting!!!)

I’m happy to share recipes with anyone interested. But if you ask my taste buds, the almond-chocolate chip and cherry cream scones would win first prize in a Best Path to Large Hips competition.

And finally, for those of you curious about that mysterious Tom & Jerry beverage I invoked last week, here’s photographic evidence that I wasn’t messing with you (though I also find that to be mighty enjoyable).

Here it is!!! The legendary plastic tub of ...

... frozen egg goo!!! Note the critical ingredient I finally caved in and purchased, in the assist.
No, it's not the bag of C & H sugar. That asshole totally snuck into the shot.

And here you have it. The Tom and Jerry winter beverage, seconds before being sent on its merry way to my lower intestines.
Yes, that is freshly grated nutmeg because I'm kind of controlling about these kinds of things.
Thus, mealtime with my Children of Christmas Future should be fun and trouble-free.
Don't you think the five eggs add a nice, festive touch?

This is probably going to be my last post until after Christmas, since I’ll be strapping myself into a fun ride called Three Days of Celebrating with Friends and Family. So until next time, happy holiday of choice!

PS to my dear scone recipients: should you find a dog hair, or curly longish brown hair in your scone, I accept full and complete responsibility. That shit can happen when you bake without a hair net and your dog looks like a mop and sheds like a late-spring dandelion.

* An intentional entry in my quest to write the sentence containing the most prepositional phrases.