Thursday, December 28, 2006

It's always over too quickly

Wow, is it that time of year again? Why yes, it is! It’s time for Post-Holiday Disappointment, Shame, and Remorse. Disappointment when you opened a box containing a tarnished “Almost Gold” rope necklace your cousin found in his attic and re-gifted to you…Shame for getting drunk and loudly mocking giant inflatable lawn ornaments in front of your aunt only to learn of her fondness for, and judicious installation of, giant inflatable lawn ornaments in her own front yard… Remorse for wrapping a half-empty bottle of Avon Skin-So-Soft and giving it to your grandma.

No, those things really didn’t happen to me this Christmas, but I wish they had, because they would have been sort of funny and given me something interesting to write about.

My holiday season was kind of like a Hallmark card: cheery, only a little nauseating, but ultimately, a bit stiff. I say "stiff" because I pulled (or ripped, it really seems more like a complete rip) an important-feeling muscle in my lower back the night before a three-day celebration bender with family, much of which entailed riding in automobiles with poor shocks, excessive bending, impossible twisting, carrying of heavy packages, and repeated lifting of a chubby, wriggling, barking dog.

No, I have little reason for remorse, shame, or disappointment this holiday season. I received everything I wanted: a new teakettle, a decorative outdoor thermometer, good health despite consuming an excess of dairy, heart-warming new memories with friends and family (even though we arrived at my grandma’s after the drinking game had ended), and firm reassurance that my own moral compass is well-calibrated. All that last one took was a reading of Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Ladies? Mothers? Sisters in arms? Married or single? Don’t worry, there’s something here for everyone. For those of you with husbands, this book will help you fall in love with yours all over again and bring you to your knees to thank the merciful lord that you are not single and running into men like Mr. Max in bars. For you single women, let this book serve as a warning, perhaps a roadmap that will help you forge a battle plan should you run into a character like this.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In other news, I finished Amy Sedaris’s book. Does she have an official fan club? Because I want to join. Not only that, but I want to run for president of that fan club. I didn’t even mind that my back screamed in agony every time I laughed. It was worth it. Buy this book, savor it, and make yourself a Fuck-it Bucket and an eye burrito.

Sidenote: did you know that “A Charlie Brown Christmas” was conceptualized and funded in 1965 by the Coca-Cola Company? My reaction to this news was to cast my eyes skyward, jaded and disillusioned, and utter, “A crummy commercial?”

And finally, a special thank you to Tammie for the key lime pie recipe AND the key limes. (How awesome is that?!?! Key limes direct from the sunshine state from a very cool blogger!) Unfortunately, I took this as a cue to attempt a meringue topping, which began to sweat brown droplets of sugary condensation and slide off the entire surface of the pie in a most unappealing manner after a few hours in the fridge, so I didn’t take a picture of it. It still tasted like Mardi Gras, fitting into your skinny jeans, and the last day of school combined.

Which is to say, GREAT.

PS: scone recipes from the last post coming soon!


  1. Anonymous9:42 AM

    I will join your Amy Sedaris fan club for sure. She's for sure one of the funniest actors in the business. I watched her for an entire season on S.W.C and actually felt sorry for her because I thought she was so homely. Then I saw her months later on a talk show out of character and couldn't believe how beautiful she was.

  2. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Amy Sedaris is hilarious. And key lime pie, YES! I just skip the meringue and pile whipped cream on top before serving - easy.

  3. Charlie Brown Christmas was funded by Coca Cola? Did you check your facts? If that came from Amy's book, she might be fucking with us. If it's true, then, well...I don't even know what to think. My heart is broken.

    Sorry about the merange. I made my grandpa a lemon merangue pie once, and came into the kitchen to find the cat eating hte merangue. I made more, plopped it on top, and took it to my grandpa anyway. He loved it. Never tell, OK?

  4. Anonymous12:21 PM

    Some very sick part of me thinks it might have been fun to run into Tucker Max in some bar back in my college days. The last time I read one of his books I had tears just rolling down my cheeks. Doubtless, I'll find him less amusing once my daughters get a few years older...

  5. I adored Amy's book, but I didn't actually prepare any of the recipes (did you?). I like to quote her though, and I'd kill to be a fan club member.

    About "A Charlie Brown Christmas" - You forgot "Rats!" I guess product placement hadn't been invented yet, because if it's an ad, it's not very effective.

    Happy New Year, Jess!

  6. Anonymous5:03 PM

    I actually had the lawn ornament moment... Boy and I were scheming about how to bring down the neighborhood sno-globes and Scoobies - in front of Grandma. She was deeply saddened, and I bet she thinks I need a new moral compass.

    Happy new year! Oh, and congrats on staying regular.

  7. An eastern Baltimore neighborhood displays the tackiest decorations and lawn ornaments in the whole country. My father-in-law lived in this neighborhood and every Christmas and Easter (especially) we drove around for an hour, laughing are snooty asses off at these people - who - for the love of the holiday season, made their own hearts warm. But it was still way too funny.

    I'm glad you didn't do anything to make you feel remorseful. Best wishes to you for a very great New Year!

  8. Count me in for the Amy Sedaris fan club. That woman is funny.

    Tucker Max gave me a newfound appreciation for my squareness and made me wonder if he's an actual person, or if he's really a humanoid walking venereal disease.

    "Charlie Brown Christmas" was inspired by a commercial? Rats.

    Take care of your back and have a wonderful New Year, Jess!

  9. All I can say is that dinner at the Sedaris household must have been gut-bustingly funny. Either that, or weird as hell.

  10. Anonymous9:29 AM

    Wow, two great recommendations in a single post! I'm all over the key lime pie recipe, and can't wait to read Amy Sedaris's book. Not so sure about Tucker Max. He reminds me of way too many of my various and sundry former boyfriends.

    So glad you had a great holiday, and hope your back is better!

  11. You got me. I was just thinking wow, I've read some REALLY bad regifting stories lately but that skin-so-soft takes the cake. Hope your back is behaving well enough to let you have a little fun tonight. Happy happy Jess...

  12. Happy new year fellow cheesehead :)

  13. Happy 2007. I have such a girl crush on Amy Sedaris. She's so freaking cool and funny.

    And I'm so glad the pie turned out well!

  14. Anonymous11:37 AM

    i haven't read any of Amy's books OR seen any of her movies/TV shows, but it's on my list of "Things to Do/See/Read" for sure!


  15. The jolly Santa image was also created by Coca-Cola.

    Um, I hear Amy Sedaris' book is this shit and is required reading. I must get it if you continued to read it even though it gave you a sore back.