Here’s a tip I wish I knew in school: if you write something ridiculous, there is a 79% chance your instructor will bring it home, read it aloud to his family, and they will choke on their Chex Mix laughing at your expense.
My Dad recently read us some of his students’ responses to various writing assignments, and because I have a mildly impaired sense of decency, I’m going to recycle them and share them with you. Mostly because my job can be about as exciting as a trip to Carpetland, and nobody wants to hear that noise.
Let us begin with one student’s take on 9-11. Remember, these are college freshmen:
“My mom always said, ‘you’ll always remember where you were when you heard the news of 9-11…’ I still remember. I was in fashion / interior design class and my teacher was like, ‘a plane hit the world trade center’ and she had the radio on and I was thinking, ‘what the hell is the world trade center?’”
But wait! There’s more:
“Things I’ve learned so far in college (an assignment): If your roommate is annoying, defenestrate them in September. In February, they are thirty pounds heavier.”
(‘Defenestrate,’ which means “to throw out of a window,” was the vocabulary word of the day.)
“My favorite oxymoron is ‘rap music.’”
I like that kid’s style. Now here’s another student’s response to a journal assignment:
“What is the real meaning of life? Fuck if I know. I’m only 18. Life seems like a waste of time.”
And my favorite:
“Today was an amazing day. I’m not pregnant.”