Not very Vitaminimal

Because I’m secretly an 88 year-old trapped in the body of a semi-childish "adult" raised on MTV, I receive in the mail, from time to time, packages the sender intends for folks who have retired. Folks with arthritis or a need for sure-footing in the tub. Folks who use the word “Folks.” So I wasn’t surprised when I recently received a wholesale vitamin catalog chock full of helpful and possibly contaminated pills.

Perhaps the company felt that I and the thousands of other folks on their mailing list were lacking in religious experiences and could benefit from a product called “Holy Basil.” Or maybe they felt my household was almost out of Guggulbolic or Strontium, which “promotes healthy osteoblast activity.”

What about some Nattokinase 100 mg? Or how about Sytrinol 150 mg? Vitex Agnus-Castus with 800 mg per serving? Do you have a need for “Tribulus Terretris” extract? How about Branched Chain Amino Acids, which the body cannot naturally produce? I’m well-stocked with Non-branching chains, but learning that I may be undersupplied in the branching department, well…that’s the kind of news that can send you into an emotional tailspin.

Funky colon? Your options are almost limitless! There’s Natural Balance Ultra Colon Clenz, NSI Healthy Colon, Fiber Drink, Acid ReDux (did you catch that wordplay? Oh, clever vitamin pushers!), Super Cleanse, and Friendly Fiber, which sounds safe and fun, don’t you think? Much better than A-hole Fiber. Which, unfortunately, is not a real product. But now that I think about it, may not be a bad name for a laxative juice mix! Talk about getting the benefit of the product up front and center.

I almost placed an order for some Quantum Migrelief (save 46% off the retail price!) because I’ve really been suffering from some painful Migs lately. And who could be without Phosphatidylserine Complex (1,000 mg per serving), which “maintains the integrity of cell membranes and youthful synaptic plasticity.” (For people fond of rubber bands.)

Here are two products that caught my eye: “Chem-Defense” and “Gaba Calm, “Gaba,” or “Gaba Calm Orange Sublingual.” I want defense against chems! I want to be so calm I’m incapable of uttering anything other than “Gaba," just like one of the Ramones!

When it comes to multi-vitamins, your options are only limited by your imagination. Here is a sampling of those with the most disturbing or catchy names:

• Greentastic (Look! We’ve cleverly modified the word “fantastic” by dropping the “fan” and inserting “green!” Doesn’t it imply health and mania?!?!)
• Buried Treasure Liquid Vitamins (Side effects: Inability to stop saying, "Aaarrgghhh, matey!")
• Peter Gillham Natural Vitality Liquid Organic Life Vitamins (Well, if it’s good enough for Peter Gillham, it’s good enough for me.)
• Synergy Max Multi-vitamin, Version 3 (if this isn’t cutting it, you’ve also got Synergy PLATINUM Multi-Vitamin, Version 3, or how about Synergy ENERGY Multi-Vitamin, Version 2. This doesn’t include the 21 Synergy products I failed to mention.)
• Jarrow Formulas Jarr-Dophilis EPS (Missing tagline: "What Jar-Jar Binks would take if he were a real creature")
• American Health More than a Multiple (It's more than a multiple; It's also a washing machine/iPod.)
• Grobust ("We must … we must … we must increase our --")
• Maxi-Multi (Release the disturbing connotations and horrible mental images! )

I do know that I will be weeping should I ever ingest Country Life “Maxine Multi-Vitamin for Women,” because whose soul hasn’t been crushed by the omnipresent, funny-the-first-time-scary-the-hundredth crusty old Maxine character thrust upon us in the mid-nineties by Hallmark?

This catalog has it all: products for weight management, eye support, female or male “enhancement,” gluten-free, green foods, garlic, fish oils, immune-boosters, memory support, senior health, sleep and mood, bones and joints, cardiovascular, antioxidants, and enough vitamins to overflow 8,395,742 ball bins in pizzatainment joints worldwide.

And then we enter the realm of pet vitamins with cutesy names: American Biosciences DGP Dog-Gone Pain…Dancing Paws 'Breath-a-Licious'…Vita-Treat…Arthripower for Pets. What I want to know is why no one has come up with Breath-a-Licious for people? And I too might enjoy something called “Vita-Treat.” It would certainly make the bushel of vitamins I ingest every day a little more palatable and entertaining.

At the other end of the spectrum, the makers of “Dirty Me Bubble Bath” and “It Doesn’t Hurt Hair Detangler” just seemed to give up when it came to naming their products.

Finally, just guess what Goliath Labs “Ejaculoid” is intended to “volumize.” Here’s a hint: it’s not your hair.