Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Not very Vitaminimal

Because I’m secretly an 88 year-old trapped in the body of a semi-childish "adult" raised on MTV, I receive in the mail, from time to time, packages the sender intends for folks who have retired. Folks with arthritis or a need for sure-footing in the tub. Folks who use the word “Folks.” So I wasn’t surprised when I recently received a wholesale vitamin catalog chock full of helpful and possibly contaminated pills.

Perhaps the company felt that I and the thousands of other folks on their mailing list were lacking in religious experiences and could benefit from a product called “Holy Basil.” Or maybe they felt my household was almost out of Guggulbolic or Strontium, which “promotes healthy osteoblast activity.”

What about some Nattokinase 100 mg? Or how about Sytrinol 150 mg? Vitex Agnus-Castus with 800 mg per serving? Do you have a need for “Tribulus Terretris” extract? How about Branched Chain Amino Acids, which the body cannot naturally produce? I’m well-stocked with Non-branching chains, but learning that I may be undersupplied in the branching department, well…that’s the kind of news that can send you into an emotional tailspin.

Funky colon? Your options are almost limitless! There’s Natural Balance Ultra Colon Clenz, NSI Healthy Colon, Fiber Drink, Acid ReDux (did you catch that wordplay? Oh, clever vitamin pushers!), Super Cleanse, and Friendly Fiber, which sounds safe and fun, don’t you think? Much better than A-hole Fiber. Which, unfortunately, is not a real product. But now that I think about it, may not be a bad name for a laxative juice mix! Talk about getting the benefit of the product up front and center.

I almost placed an order for some Quantum Migrelief (save 46% off the retail price!) because I’ve really been suffering from some painful Migs lately. And who could be without Phosphatidylserine Complex (1,000 mg per serving), which “maintains the integrity of cell membranes and youthful synaptic plasticity.” (For people fond of rubber bands.)

Here are two products that caught my eye: “Chem-Defense” and “Gaba Calm, “Gaba,” or “Gaba Calm Orange Sublingual.” I want defense against chems! I want to be so calm I’m incapable of uttering anything other than “Gaba," just like one of the Ramones!

When it comes to multi-vitamins, your options are only limited by your imagination. Here is a sampling of those with the most disturbing or catchy names:

  • Greentastic (Look! We’ve cleverly modified the word “fantastic” by dropping the “fan” and inserting “green!” Doesn’t it imply health and mania?!?!)
  • Buried Treasure Liquid Vitamins (Side effects: Inability to stop saying, "Aaarrgghhh, matey!")
  • Peter Gillham Natural Vitality Liquid Organic Life Vitamins (Well, if it’s good enough for Peter Gillham, it’s good enough for me.)
  • Synergy Max Multi-vitamin, Version 3 (if this isn’t cutting it, you’ve also got Synergy PLATINUM Multi-Vitamin, Version 3, or how about Synergy ENERGY Multi-Vitamin, Version 2. This doesn’t include the 21 Synergy products I failed to mention.)
  • Jarrow Formulas Jarr-Dophilis EPS (Missing tagline: "What Jar-Jar Binks would take if he were a real creature")
  • American Health More than a Multiple (It's more than a multiple; It's also a washing machine/iPod.)
  • Grobust ("We must … we must … we must increase our --")
  • Maxi-Multi (Release the disturbing connotations and horrible mental images! )

I do know that I will be weeping should I ever ingest Country Life “Maxine Multi-Vitamin for Women,” because whose soul hasn’t been crushed by the omnipresent, funny-the-first-time-scary-the-hundredth crusty old Maxine character thrust upon us in the mid-nineties by Hallmark?

This catalog has it all: products for weight management, eye support, female or male “enhancement,” gluten-free, green foods, garlic, fish oils, immune-boosters, memory support, senior health, sleep and mood, bones and joints, cardiovascular, antioxidants, and enough vitamins to overflow 8,395,742 ball bins in pizzatainment joints worldwide.

And then we enter the realm of pet vitamins with cutesy names: American Biosciences DGP Dog-Gone PainDancing Paws 'Breath-a-Licious'Vita-TreatArthripower for Pets. What I want to know is why no one has come up with Breath-a-Licious for people? And I too might enjoy something called “Vita-Treat.” It would certainly make the bushel of vitamins I ingest every day a little more palatable and entertaining.

At the other end of the spectrum, the makers of “Dirty Me Bubble Bath” and “It Doesn’t Hurt Hair Detangler” just seemed to give up when it came to naming their products.

Finally, just guess what Goliath Labs “Ejaculoid” is intended to “volumize.” Here’s a hint: it’s not your hair.

29 comments:

  1. Anonymous6:08 AM

    You say Ejaculoid as if it were a bad thing. Clearly are greatest medical challenges involve erectile dysfunction and semem volume. Things like cancer and alzheimer's and leukemia and PKD and the like really are kind of low on the totem pole don't you think?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous6:09 AM

    our not are

    typing too fast

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous6:57 AM

    With the right name and the promise of something irristible, anything can sell. Now, where did you say I could get the grobust?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just think it's funny that Ejaculoid is made by GOLIATH!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, Ejaculiod... if I could be any superhero...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous10:45 AM

    Ejaculoid! Ew!
    I think vitamins are such crap. Of course, I have horrible health so no one should take my advice on this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous1:03 PM

    There are some Extra Mega-Platnium Maxi-Super-UltraStrength names there, but the one that really freaks me out is Strontium.

    Just.. Strontium? All by itself? Periodic elements need to bond with other period elements before they're getting inside me!

    MJ

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ejaculoid nearly knocked me over (laughing). The only vitamin that passes my lips is calcium and I don't even like taking it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous3:14 PM

    Thanks so much for visiting my blog! Please stop by anytime. Cheers from Boston=:)

    ReplyDelete
  10. "GOLIATH LABS"??? So...I'm guessing if Goliath himself had taken this, David wouldn't have stood a chance?

    ReplyDelete
  11. It is for this reason, Jess, that I chew my Flintstone's with iron (no, I am not kidding...they taste SOOOOOO goooooddddd!!!) *LOL*

    Anyhoo, this post cracked me up. Happy fiber? Colon Clenze? These manufacturers are ful of sh*t. I am going to have nightmares tonight! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG! And we wonder why health care costs are rising when people are actually putting this crap in their bodies! Oy! Or should I say: HOLY BASIL! Is that a Catholic drug?

    Thanks for stopping by. Hope all is well up north. I only have one thing to say about the Super Bowl: Go Colts!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've heard that Guggulbolic is good for cleansing one's aura.

    (But I will take a five hundred count jar of GroBust.)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm searching for some colon-blow to take before our trip to Mexico, but I guess I can just wait and get the Montezuma flu when I'm there!

    ReplyDelete
  15. You've got me paranoid about my vitamins. I take them every day! LOL! I clicked that link to MSNBC. Now I'm going to obsessing all night.

    ReplyDelete
  16. surcie7:23 AM

    My colon likes to listen to Parliament. Might it be funky? When it hears "Give up the funk, Ow" it's dancing all over the place.

    I need to start taking a multi. Did you see anything with the words "Super Duper" in the title? Because I think that would really work for me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Here's what I want to know...what did you buy?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey friend! I think it's totally weird that I"m on some random blog I've found and being the nice blogger I am, I decide to leave a comment and when I go through all the comments, I see YOUV'E BEEN THERE TOO! And I mean, this was so random, not even like linked to writing or anything--I found it from 2,000 blogs and then I saw your comment over at http://karlababble.blogspot.com/

    SO WEIRD!

    ReplyDelete
  19. All I know is that if some product would like to help me poop regulary, I'm sold. Link me up bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Aimee2:02 AM

    Every time I hear or read "Synergy" I think of that JEM cartoon from the 80's.

    ReplyDelete
  21. HAW HAW!

    Holy Basil definitely a favorite. It's vitatastic! I might have to try Holy Basil just for the placebo effect which I'm sure is sanctifying.

    ReplyDelete
  22. yeah, can you link to that Grobust stuff? I could certainly use it... lol

    pills for stuff like that always make me laugh. as if a pill is going to increase cup size! pfft. what a rip!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jess, you freakin' crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  24. The real question of the hour: what on earth did you do to get on THAT mailing list!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Now that made me laugh. Thanks...I needed that.

    ReplyDelete
  26. too too funny. Makes you wonder.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Okay, you just inspired me to go eat an orange.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Is it required to be 'anonymous' to comment on this post?

    Hey Jess, do you ever get any AARP membership renewal junk mail? I swear, in some government database they think I'm about 40 years older than I actually am. It's not my name is all that common either. Maybe I should change my name to 'Anonymous Singe'.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Holy basil - I think I'll start saying that instead of holy crap on a cracker.

    ReplyDelete