Wha to Expect When You're Expecting a Book: Part One of my Writing-Related Trilogy

When I tell people I’ve written a novel that will be published by a heretofore yet undecided imprint of Random House in 2008, I receive many interesting responses. They have included:

1) A blank stare, followed by a clumsy steering of the conversation back to a topic they are more comfortable / familiar with. This is usually anything about themselves.

2) The comment, “I’ve always wanted to write a book, too. But I never had the time.” Well my friends, I’m happy to tell you that not only is publishing a book super-easy, you can actually find that missing time behind the couch cushions, along with about $1.46 in loose change!

3) Family and friends will be relieved that you’ve managed to avoid bringing shame and dishonor to the family name by say, landing in prison. Don’t worry; they may not have read your book yet at this point. There will be plenty of time for shame and dishonor when they do.

4) The comment, “I could never write a book.” Come on now, don’t sell yourself short! Can you write a grocery list? Next time you do, substitute humorous items here and there. Once you’ve got 300 of these suckers, you’ve almost got a book!

5) The question, “How much did you have to pay to get it published?” Other than the cost of my soul, it was really cheap. In fact, they actually paid ME! But now that this little secret’s out, I’m sure someone in the accounting department will be contacting me for a refund.

6) The question, “How does one get a book published anyway?” Ah, the question we’ve all been waiting for. Well, have you ever swum across the Atlantic Ocean? Trying to get a book published is a lot like that, only without the constant threat of drowning. But you should feel drawn to endurance-type activities. This Wednesday and Friday I will tell you exactly how one gets a book published with my posts: how you too can ride the gravy train to fame, fortune, and a lifetime supply of neuroses by becoming a best-selling author.

Yes, I know I said I was only blogging once a week, but I believe in mixing it up a little now and then. It's part of my new anti-aging strategy. Spontaneity keeping the brain cells challenged and all.

In the meantime, please stop by the talented and determined Stephanie Elliot's blog to congratulate her on signing with an agent. She’s on her way!

For real answers to writing-related questions, visit Diana Peterfreund, J.A. Konrath, Jen Weiner, or Allison Winn Scotch.