Friday, July 18, 2008

Pretend Criminal For a Day

I’m back from Chicago and Stevens Point—thanks to everyone who came out for the readings! I decided to read the opening chapter of my work-in-progress, and the reception was positive enough to convince me to finally grow a pair and send it to my agent. (A pair of what, you ask? Good question.) My friend Manic and I thought it would be fun to introduce the piece I was about to read with an attempt at humor: “I was inspired to write this novel during my stint in prison … *pause for effect* … as a TEACHER!”

Cue relieved laughter.

Unfortunately, several audience members told me later they thought I had actually been sentenced to prison due to some unfortunate teacher/student hanky-panky, not EMPLOYED there. Said one, “We were trying to figure out what you’d really done to land in prison. You don’t look very Mary Kay Laturno-ish.”

Note to self—rework opening humor bit.

So no, I haven’t been to prison as an inmate. I HAVE, however, been to prison as an employee. Which brings me to today’s question: If you were sentenced to prison, what would your crime be? (Or, since we can’t always predict these things, what would you WANT it to be?)

PS: I got distracted before I finished this very short blog entry and wandered outside to putter. In that small timeframe, I was stung on the ankle by a wasp. It now feels like a tiny, rabid child has taken a bite out of my Achille’s heel. Lesson for the day? Finish all blog entries. Do not succumb to distraction.

If you’re in Appleton, Wisconsin tomorrow, I’ll be doing a book signing at Conkey's Bookstore at 226 E. College Avenue from 11 am to 1 pm. Stop by and see the wasp wound!


  1. Ripping the tags off bed mattresses and pillows. I swear someday, someone is going to show up at my door and enforce that law.

  2. Well Drat. I'll be in Appleton NEXT week.

    Also, I grew up with the people who own Conkey's. I think they still own it anyway. We went to church with them for years and years and since it was a very small church, we knew them quite well.

  3. On every first date I always ask the guy two questions:
    1. If money was no problem, who would you hire to live in? A cook or a housekeeper?
    2. If you were sent to prison for life, would you end up eventually having same gender sex.

    Depending on their answers, I knew exactly what I was getting into.

  4. Hi there, Jess! I'm so glad you commented on my blog or else I may never have stumbled onto yours - love the neighborhood post, btw. I spy on mine without really spying - I work at home and the dog alerts me to every passing car, then my boyfriend accuses me of spying. Yep.

    I don't know what my crime would be - there are too many! I think it would be very satisfying to vandalize the self-checkout machines at the grocery store, though. I love being able to check out on my own, but I hate having to wait for an employee to come over and correct the machine when it won't register my bananas! Said employee is almost never around anyway so I just sit there waiting like an idiot, tempted to walk off and leave the groceries there. I never do. Nope, I bite my tongue and sit there and wait while people tap their feet impatiently because I must not know what I am doing.

  5. OK, this was the biggest ADHD post I have ever read. Duh.

    If anyone wants to know the REAL story about how fabulous Jess's soon-to-be novel is, come on over to Manic's where I'm still trying to figure out how to auction off a copy of it on ebay without her finding out! Bwhahahahah ... JUST KIDDING!

    BUt I really DO hope you sent it to your agent. IT FREAKING ROCKS!!!

  6. oooh I wanna read it too.

    I love that people think your a criminal. I vote we get you an orange jump suit.

  7. Oh, that's easy, making love on a public beach!

    When you coming to Vegas?

  8. I think you're doing very well for an ex-con. And me? What would I be imprisoned for? PRobably snapping and beating some rude person to death, although I'll have to get stronger and tougher before that's in any way likely to happen. I am a wimp, you see.

  9. Yeah, I've always wanted to go prison for murder. Just to be that hardcore. HAHAHA!

  10. Jess, I will be imprisoned for stabbing a Jamaican immigration officer to death, with the pen he would not let me borrow to make the corrections needed to allow me to enter his country.

    Love you!