Monday, January 26, 2009

This post brought to you by

The finest generic Vicodin my HMO can provide.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes...Yes, I am alive! Thanks largely to my dear husband who made sure I didn’t gnaw my arm off during one of my daily pain seizures, or starve to death.* It was a rough weekend. You could tell just by what we had on: J was wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a camouflage shirt he found in a bag of free clothing years ago, and I was wearing…oh, who knows…a dry-cleaning bag? I was in too much pain to notice.

Anyway, it is a good sign today that we are both in fresh outfits. I’m still afraid of the shower, as my last cocky attempt at clean living was met with an hour of agonized writhing and shouting shortly thereafter. (Showering was painful because of uh, all the standing. Tricky stuff, that standing upright!)

Had my follow-up visit with an unfamiliar doctor this morning—and any time you visit a new doctor for ‘female trouble,’ your nerves are bound to get a workout. This one entered the exam room before I was ready, which was embarrassing enough, but then I had to sit and discuss my bowel habits with him afterwards. I can honestly say this is the first time I uttered the phrase, “I had a BM on Saturday” to another human being, as nonchalant as “I had a V8.” But what was I going to say, “I dropped the Browns off at the Super Bowl?”**

The verdict? I have a giant, intact cyst on my left ovary, but the stabby-stabby-pukey pain is on my right side…which led my doctor to guess that I’d also had a cyst on my right, and it got tired of the party and ruptured last week. Wheee! Best party favor ever! Anyway, I am praying that Lefty doesn’t also go piñata on my ass and model the inappropriate behavior of Righty. I have another appointment in six weeks, this one for an ultrasound, to see what Lefty’s up to. He will either ‘go quietly into the night’ on his own, or he may need a little help from the bouncers to exit the facility.

This is all necessary because I want a bun in the oven. Let’s just hope I have the self-cleaning variety.

*He even sautéed some mustard greens, shiitake mushrooms, and garlic for me! Mr. Supersecret Burger King Himself!

**So, have you ever ‘passed’ a Rubik’s Cube? Yeah. Fun lil’ side effect of the painkillers.


  1. Wow. So glad to hear that you are on your way to mending. Yeah, any doctor visit in which you discuss bowels is sure to be a bad one.

  2. Only you could make agony funny. I am glad you are feeling better. Here is to things heating up in the oven

  3. oh god - I'm so sorry. My ute and ovaries cringe in sympathy pain.

  4. Oh! I'm so sorry...that does not sound like fun at all (although kudos to you and the generic drugs for making it funny!)

    Hang in there!!!

  5. whoa! where have i been that i didn't know this stuff was going on?

    i hope you feel better soon! xoxox

  6. Not to scare you, but please insist on a blood test if you haven't done so already CA125

    My doctor thought all I had was a cyst on my was cancer. The blood test can tell. Don't wait 6 weeks. Thank heavens she opted on the cautious side.

  7. Oh, and mine all started with the midnight trip to ER....Hope you are feeling better!

  8. OMG, I totally feel your pain.

    From the TMI camp:
    Painkillers do a NUMBER on your system, I can attest that.

    (imagine having to tell the doctor that you didn't have a "BM" for 3 weeks)

    ((yes, I said weeks))

    (((yes, it was painful)))

  9. Good news, indeed. Hope you continue to mend quickly!

  10. **So, have you ever ‘passed’ a Rubik’s Cube? Yeah. Fun lil’ side effect of the painkillers.

    Ouch. And ouch. Fiber supplements are your friend. So is water. Lots and lots of water.

    Feel better soon, Jess.

  11. UGH, It all sounds hideous, Jess!!! Hang in there and when it comes to "girlie stuff" and esp. matters of reproduction, do not hesitate to get a second -- or third-- opinion!! I feel guilty laughing till MY stomach hurts, at YOUR pain!!! But you sure put a funny spin on it all...
    A funny aside -- I thought my 14 year old daughter was having perhaps appendicitis, and after blood tests, urine tests, female exam, and X-Ray, the doctor came up with, Yep, she's constipated... there was apparently a whole lot of sh*t showing up on the Xray... EWWWWW... And the weirdest part is she dumps every day, so we can't really figure out the whole constipation thing...

  12. Crap hon, that totally SUCKS. I hope your next one goes quietly, and not with all of the troublesome fanfare of Righty. :(

  13. OMG, Jess, what a rough weekend! I hope you're feeling better.

  14. I'm sorry you are in pain. I went through infertility treatments to be blessed with a 3 year old son & 8 month old Twin girls.
    It's hard though & I'm sending you good vibes.

  15. Aw gee wiz, I wasn't paying attention to my overbloated feed reader and completely missed this episode. What kind of friend am I? So sorry you're not feeling well Jess. I'll be thinking about you now and awaiting your next update.

    Get well soon! :-)

  16. OH, ow. I hope you're feeling better now... I imagine ovarian cysts feel something like labor pains and if you're not expecting that it could be a real bitch.
    Hope you're feeling better.