An Informal Thursday Thirteen: Things You'd Never Guess Just by Looking At Me

Okay, as long as I'm on the whole navel-gazing topic, I'm going to milk it just a bit longer. Then tomorrow I'll talk about saving the whales or some other crap. So without further ado, here are thirteen things you'd never guess (about me, of course) just by looking at me.

1. Yesterday I paid for a movie rental entirely in change. I apologized to the clerk while counting it out. And then I scrammed. On the way to the car I thought about the time I paid for a purple boom box with a jar of pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and a few stinky, crumpled-ass dollar bills. Scene of the crime: Musicland, Forest Mall, Fond du Lac. Year: 1984.

2. I once baked some ground-up laxatives into a batch of cookies to discover who’d been stealing my lunch from my locker every day. Turned out it was Poopy Pants Patrick.

3. I want to be the only human being on the planet who has not read The DaVinci Code after the movie is released.

4. I have never watched an entire episode of American Idol. In fact, if everyone in the nation is doing something, I probably don’t want to be. Exception: blogging. This shit’s addictive.

5. I am a charity whore, and my mailman Dennis hates me because of it. Once it’s out that you’ve opened your checkbook, all the fly-eyed orphan rescuers start to hit you up.

6. My grandfather and I corresponded every month (with real actual writing! On paper! With stamps!) when I was in college. He’s still alive in Alabama and has a 90 year-old girlfriend.

7. Until I was twelve, I was a member of the Forest Hills 4-H Club, through which my friends and I engaged in fun activities like softball, Christmas caroling at nursing homes, and picking up garbage / getting harassed by drunk revelers at Walleye Weekend while wearing t-shirts reading “Wally’s Swabbies!”

8. My husband spent a decade as a long-haired bass player in various heavy metal bands. He used to practice next door to the house I shared with my college roommates in 1996. We called the cops on him and his band twice for being so loud they interfered with our studying.

9. A homeless man once walked up to me in a bar and, for no reason and without warning, picked my nose. (Let’s ignore the question about why I was in the kind of bar that attracts homeless people in the first place.)

10. I am allergic to cat dander, dust, and people who say things like, “My bad,” “Git-r-done,” and “Do the math.”

11. I had a boyfriend in high school whose nickname was “Beaver.” Every time I called and his dad answered he’d summon his son with a nasal, “BEEEEEEEE-vuuur!” Isn’t that sexy?

12. When I skate in any capacity (in-line, roller, ice), I must extend my left foot slightly in front of my right the entire time. I believe this is because I was born with Fucked-up Balance Syndrome, in which the body tends to veer to the left when in forward motion.

13. To me, diamonds are nothing more than old, smashed dinosaur turds. And if anyone thinks the size of the dino-turd on their left hand means they win the “My husband loves me the most!” contest, they’re wrong. Hmmm…. wonder who (or what) will be wearing my ass bling on their ring finger a jamillion years from now.

If you've done the Thursday Thirteen, I'll add your link on this post sometime today. Just put it in your comments. (Wow, doesn't it sound like I'm laying on a couch eating chips, watching The Andy Griffith Show, and belching while I say that? I'm doing this so half-assed! Just like the way I did chores as a kid.)

Other Thirteeners:

1. Uisce (Whiskey Talking)
2. Anna McGinty (Novelist in Training)
3. Diary of a Music Whore
4. Monique at Word Well
5. Colleen at Looseleafnotes