The Jobs that Got Away

In honor of hump day, the weekday on which most workers achieve maximum productivity (so buy a car made on a Wednesday!), here is a sampling of phrases I might have used to start my work day had I not been hired by my current wonderful employer. Because I actually applied for, and in some cases, was offered a position in the following fields:

“Greetings Mr. and Mrs. Waverly. I realize that I’m about to introduce a subject that most people don’t consider when making long-term choices about their future, and the futures of loved ones. But I can’t stress enough the importance of providing for your family during a difficult time by purchasing a PREPAID BURIAL PLOT. I just bought mine. I expect to fill it next week.” (Job: Cold call burial plot sales for a cemetery)

“Let me show you our latest model, the Motorola v8675309. Comes standard with the following features: voice dialing, color screen, picture messaging, and if you act now, I’ll throw in my own personal dashed hopes and ambitions as well.” (Job: Cellular phone salesperson)

“Yes, I’m the manager at This Particular Furniture Store; at least I will be until the store folds in a month. How can I help you furnish the living room of your dreams while simultaneously making me feel small today?” (Job: Manager of a furniture store)

“And this is the bed in which Ol’ Timey McSepiatone slept. In 1742, many families kept trundle beds beneath the bed shared by the husband and wife. Just so the children would need therapy that never existed back then after they heard their parents having sex every night. Because imaginary children don’t do farm chores, you know!” (Job: tour guide at a local historically significant mansion)

“Is this your first time scheduling an application of lawn pesticides and herbicides that may give your dog seizures and make me feel like I’ve sold my soul to Beelzebub?” (Job: Sales rep for a lawn treatment company)

Any of these jobs could have been my reality, because as some of you know, I graduated with a degree in English. Whenever I told people of my planned major, a flash of confusion would shadow their brow until they inevitably asked me, “Oh, so you’re going to teach?” And when I said no, I wasn’t getting a teaching license (I'd changed my major so many times I was pretty sure I was legally prohibited from doing so yet again), they would laugh.

Oh, how they would laugh.

I must also point out that in no way am I disparaging these careers or people employed in these fields. These positions are simply not right for me. Then again, I’m barely employable to begin with, so pretty much every job fits that category. Except for professional cheese taster / alternate on the official U.S. celebrity mocking team.

I would love to hear about your jobs that got away. Or jobs you’ve held. Or hold. So do tell. And on that note, I've got to get back to work. Trained helper monkeys and solid gold toilets don't pay for themselves!