Friday, April 21, 2006

Grown Woman + Wine + Procrastinating = A Cautionary Tale

Remember that blog contest I nagged you to vote for me in a month or so back? Well, I didn’t win. Which didn’t bother me, until I learned that I lost that bastard to a can of Smokey Mountain Snuff named, surprisingly enough, Mr. Snuff. (I was wrong; it wasn’t Skoal. Close enough.) But the whole experience got the rusty cogs in my brain a’turning. Maybe what this blog needs is a mascot. You know, to spruce the place up a bit until I finally decide on a general design scheme for the constantly-impending aesthetic overhaul. (Damn you, lifelong battle with indecision! DAMN YOU!) So I hosted some open auditions, and these were the mascots that showed up.

Introducing Patty Pad and Paula Plug. Apparently, someone told them they were auditioning for supporting roles on The Real Gilligan’s Island. What’s worse, they both showed up completely wasted, as evidenced by their half-mast eyes and decorative tropical drinks. Nonetheless, they sure know how to party like it’s 1953. And I respect that in a tampon. I mean mascot. Moments after this photo was taken, Paula spilled her Mai Tai all over Patty; as luck would have it, not one red drop hit the table! Hmmmm.



Now presenting, Mr. Knock-Off Facial Scrub! He feels the way I do about public speaking, as you can see. Poor guy. Should have told him about the brown pants. But I do enjoy his red cowboy hat. ‘A’ for effort, Mr. Scrub. However, you do look a little slutty all sprawled out like that. You can get up now, and please clean up after yourself. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.



Everyone loves a wedding, and look who’ve shown up fresh from their own! Meet Mr. and Mrs. Tootskin. They’ve overcome long odds to get here, beginning with the backlash their families and friends dealt them against interspecies dog chew dating. After all, Billy Jean Bullystick was a cow tootyacker in a former life, and Reggie Rawhide is made from the skin of pigs. No one thought they’d get together, but here they are, making it work and happy as clams. I mean bull peni and pork flesh. Wishing you the best of luck as you settle into your new life of wedded bliss and evading Daisy’s digestive system.

Possible blog mascots that showed up yet refused to be photographed: Arby’s “black forest” deli meat, two tubes of candy lipstick, a dried-out yellow highlighter, and a promotional pen embossed with the name of our credit union.

34 comments:

  1. Yeah, I've got nothing constructive to say... You're making me laugh too damn hard. My husband is seriously thinking of having me commited because I'm laughing, snorting and pointing at my computer. I'm going to come back later (after a glass of wine or three) just to giggle again.

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  2. Lord, woman, sometimes you frighten me. But I like it.

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  3. I am SO glad to know that you can indeed be an indecisive procrastinator and successful. Here's to you Jess...[chugging a beer]

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  4. I love this idea of a blog mascot. The female hygiene products are my favorites. Losing a blog contest really does hurt. Don't let it happen again.

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  5. I am eating sushi right now and just spit a whole bunch of wasabi-infused soy sauce right out, reading this. I'm all about the pantyliner mascot. Sorry yellow highlighter, you're not even in the running.

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  6. You are too damn funny and I'm definitely jealous. I can't wait for your book.

    I vote for Patty Pad and Paula Plug...

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  7. Definitely Patty Pad. She deserves to win if she can hold her drink - and someone else's!

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  8. I like Patty Pad too. Although the one at the bottom kind of looks like Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.

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  9. Ok seriously you crack me up...those are hilarious and insanely creative!!! hahaha!

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  10. That was pretty freaking awesome. Thanks for the giggles. :)

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  11. Pad & Plug? Oh well... beats out a Skoal can! ~ jb///

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  12. Mr. Who Now?

    Jeez, that's a tough onw between the...uh...Paddy Pad and the Knock-off...

    You know what?

    You're twisted. In a very good way.

    Paddy Pad. Why I outta....

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  13. So funny!
    I like the plug. Any mascot who can pull off being a feminine hygeine product and wear a pair of coconuts and a grass skirt so elegantly gets my vote.

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  14. Thank you for that, Jess. I needed that laugh.

    Seems like we use many of the same products. (Except my generic apricot scrub is CVS brand.) ;)

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  15. Patty Pad!! Patty Pad!

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  16. That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. My vote goes for Paula Plug. lol.

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  17. Very funny. I have nothing witty...only unabashed praise!

    PS: You kick Skoal-ass!

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  18. Too much fun!
    Your bolg has the best writting out of everyone I read. And I only tell that to a couple people! :)

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  19. I vote for Mr. Knock-Off Facial Scrub! He be poopin' his pants! What? We're not voting? Awwww. :)

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  20. I think we have to go with Patti Pad and Paula plug as a duo. Like Batman and Robin, they shouldn't seperated. Double the protection after all. Back up can be critical when dealing with a mascot. Besides you can't use them anymore- those coconut shells would chafe

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  21. Jesus, Jess, you are just ... unfreakingbelievable. How about a laugh track as a mascot, so we can all save ourselves the trouble of laughing our asses off? We need someone to do it for us ... :-)

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  22. I was going to go for Patty Pad and Paula Plug until I saw that Mr. Knock-Off Facial Scrub had soiled himself. He must want it really bad.

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  23. This is exactly the kind of post I needed to see this morning. Those are awesome!

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  24. OMG. How are you not on QVC? You know somewhere there are some old blue-haired ladies who would pay up to $14.99 and not a penny more for the wedded dog treats. Do you think Patty and Paula would be willing to come do a guest speaking stint at my next class?

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  25. Those are the best!!!! You are so twisted but thats what I love.

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  26. Your arts and crafts skills rival your writing. Brilliant! I vote for the underdog — cheers to senor facial scrub.

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  27. LMAO! I've come to the conclusion that everyone needs a Jess around.

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  28. The pad and the plug. Like the bold and the beautiful. Only better.

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  29. I like the tootskins the besy. They seem to have a bright future together.

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  30. YOU ARE HILARIOUS! Remind me to bring the Halloween picture of me dressed as a bloody tampon this weekend!

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  31. you are a winner in my book!

    see if mr. skoal/snuff, whatever can top your mascots. i think not!

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  32. Oh my hell, how funny!!! My vote is for Patty and Paula. There's just something about them that seems...well..comforting. *snort*

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  33. Patty Pad and Paula Plug have my vote....

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  34. Had I knew you then, I would have SO voted for you. That is hysterical!

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