Monday, April 17, 2006

Six Weird Things? About Me? Thanks for Asking!

I once did a Thursday Thirteen called “Things You’d Never Guess Just by Looking at Me.” I put most of the good stuff in that list, like the time I baked some laxatives into a batch of cookies and the time the homeless dude picked my nose in a bar. But per a recent tagging by Sweatpantsmom, I am again compelled to dive into my bag of embarrassing, odd, and trivial personal factoids. I’ve found that this blog post goes well with a nice, cold Newcastle. Or, if you’re at work, you could just slam your fingers in a desk drawer to make this entry a bit less painful by comparison. Enjoy!

1) Coordination.
I am just coordinated enough to lift a fork to my lips and walk in a straight line. On occasion, I can corral my legs into a shuffling jog. Especially when the ice cream truck is leaving the neighborhood. I can’t hit a volleyball without cracking a nail or spraining a pinky, nor can I catch most objects thrown in my direction: a log of string cheese, car keys, a softball, a kitten. Other activities I can not do: run on a balance beam, touch my toes, hover for an extended period of time above a public toilet, or swim without leading a lifeguard to think I’m drowning.

2) Mothering. Abandoned baby animals I have tried to rescue and/or raise: four litters of kittens, three wild raccoons that I bottle-fed (and that thanked me with projectile yellow diarrhea), and a tiny, pink, hairless mouse I found on a bale of hay in our neighbor’s barn when I was seven. I tried stuffing a slice of cheddar cheese in its mouth, but seeing as how it didn’t have teeth and may have already been dead, that was a fairly futile effort. I think a cat scarfed it down about five minutes later. You know, in retrospect, I believe it may have been a rat. Because that sucker was way too big to be a newborn mouse.

3) Compulsions. What meme is complete without an embarrassing OCD-related disclosure? Here’s mine! I am always mentally counting inanimate objects and trying to find spatial order among them. Telephone poles, edges of a bookcase, cupboard handles, that kind of thing. I blame a long high school stint working at KB Toys, where I was actually responsible for straightening products on shelves so everything neatly faced out and was easily accessible to the customers. At KB, the CW wasn’t, “If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean.” It was, “Get your ass off the counter and go straighten the doll aisle.”

Ah, KB Toys. I still remember the crazy regulars: the young woman with a mustache who wanted to be one of the Power Rangers and silently purchased her PR-themed toys with hot, dirty pocket change … the robust red-haired man who walked the mall smoking a cigar and conducting an invisible and inaudible orchestra (this was before smoking was disallowed in the mall) … and who could forget the dead ringer for Sloth from The Goonies who came in about once a month and only bought Barbie dolls.

4) That damn can of Skoal. I recently lost a blog contest to a can of Skoal, which I’ll be blogging about later.

5) Cinematic memories.
First movie I ever saw in a theater: Pete’s Dragon. First movies I saw at a drive-in theater: a double feature of Young Frankenstein and The Rose. First movie I saw on VHS: Sixteen Candles. First movie I saw on DVD: Night of the Living Dead. Brain power devoted to remembering mathematical equations I learned in high school, names of people I just met, or what I walked into a particular room to fetch: 0.0047%

6) Speak out. As an adolescent, I was so terrified of public speaking or making phone calls that I had to actually write a script for myself before I ever called to schedule a hair cut, order Chinese take-out, or find out if anyone had found my retainer on the floor at Rocky Rococo’s. Today, I’ve discovered that public speaking is a wonderful antidote to constipation. This is the "Speak 'n' Poop" remedy, and if I ever think of a way to bottle it, I'll make a fortune.

And there you have it. Just a few more tidbits from my pantheon of pathos. Also known as: "Disclosures that may lead my husband to wear a bag on his head when seen with me in public from now on."

35 comments:

  1. The Rose. Every time I see that movie, I cry. It's a real tearjerker.

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  2. My mom and I both used to write out things we wanted to be sure to say if we were making important phone calls or like, talking to the neighbours.

    And I'm horribly uncoordinated too. UNITE.

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  3. God you crack me up, woman - I so need to have a drink with you.

    FYI - regarding your coordination and toilets - if everyone would sit, no one would have to hover.

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  4. FYI - I forgot - I was thinking of you the other night when I MET DAVID SEDARIS! You had told me he was disarming in person (and you were right). When you have a moment, come check out my post on it.

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  5. I refuse to hover over the toilet - my thighs just can't take it.

    I used to hate calling for Chinese food, etc., until I had a summer job wherein I had to take food orders over the phone. I blossomed into a Person With A Phone Voice and never looked back.

    This post was pretty damned hysterical, I have to say.

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  6. Pete's Dragon!!!! Oh MY GOD, one of my all time favorite movies. And I'm with you on public speaking as a cure for constipation (there seems to be a poop theme taking place between you and I today).

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  7. But my God, you're weird!

    (kidding. KIDDING!)

    And that damn Skoal can. I'll have a few things to say about that, too!

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  8. Hi Jess,
    Stumbled upon your blog checking out Mrs. Fortune. Loved your paragraph on "mothering"...I can relate to a childhood spent rescuing (dead) baby animals...ah, the innocence of childhood!

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  9. Okay, that confirms it...we are the same age (or so) because I distinctly remember Pete's Dragon as one of my first films. Mickey Rooney, right? But the actual first film I saw by myself honor goes to Benji. The second might have been Sargent Pepper starring the BeeGees and peter Frampton.

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  10. Is it wrong that I love you?

    First off I tried to rescue a mouse too and me and my mom thought it would be a good idea to heat the poor baby mouse up. So we wrapped in in a towel and placed in on an iron skillet and put it upon a low burning old fireplace. The black iron ones. Yeah, I um, forgot about the mouse and it um, didn't make it.

    Now I just feel bad. Thankyaverymuch.

    I like the whole Poop and do whatever thing. That means before you do anything outside of the house, you must poop first or no go. Weird? maybe.

    Don't judge me. Pooping in public scares me.

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  11. Oh my. "Speak 'n poop" and "bottle it" should not be used in the same sentence. The images it evokes are just too hideous.

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  12. I was reading every single word up to Rocky Rococos!!! I miss that place so much! We had one in Spokane and we LOVED that place. Oh my gosh I am actually drooling. Ok, so I also wanted to say - Compulsions - LOL I remember those OC days working at Mervyn's straightening shirts. Good god, that was one good incentive for higher education.

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  13. Now I understand a little bit why you were so nervous about your book signing.

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  14. You are truly a multi-layered nd complex individual. Pete's Dragon RULED. I even had a stuffed dragon which has apparently been stuffed with liquid cement because that bastard was hard. If you tried to sleep with him his tail would impale you. It taught me at a young age that love can hurt.

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  15. I have to do this MeMe too. I don't know what I'm going to say--I sent all my weird confessions in to PostSecret already!

    Oh, and Jessica--don't be jealous, but I am going to be drinking with this darling author, and shacking with her in a hotel room (not in a lesbo way, of course!), in a very short while! It's going to be a riot!!!

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  16. I can relate to your phone phobia, I'm still like that to this day. I rehearse what I'm going to say to the pizza delivery guy before I dare pick up the phone to dial. Personally, I can't wait until the day when you can just IM for take-out.

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  17. Aww, I knew you was good people. We're forever bottle feeding something around here. I once bottle fed a litter of possums.

    And I need to know about the can of Skoal NOW. Or, whenever you get around to it, really. It sounds like a hell of a story.

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  18. omg, a script for making a hair appointment - that is hilarious!!! you crack me up every time, jess.... :D

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  19. I was literally holding my hand over my mouth so as not to scare my co-workers with my crazy laughing. (Who laughs in real estate???)
    Anyway-loved the list, did mine, too.
    Thanks for visiting me.

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  20. Oh, dear Lord, the hilarity. Hovering is for the weak.

    I know someone **coughcough** who walks a straighter line drunk than sober. She believes it's because she concentrates so much on walking when she's drunk, so as to appear undrunk, but she hasn't devoted much thought to it because she's too busy trying to avoid walking into walls.

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  21. Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to try the Speak 'n Poop phenomenon. Better than Speak 'n Spell!!!

    You sure have saved a lot of animals.

    Oh, and I'm uncoordinated, too, and used to write out scripts for phone calls!

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  22. "Today, I’ve discovered that public speaking is a wonderful antidote to constipation." I can't stop laughing...

    One of my fears is getting lost while driving out of town; even if where I'm going is someplace I've already been once or twice. It always makes me have to go *ahem* #2. Sometimes when I'm having trouble "Pinching a Loaf" I just think about getting lost and Voila! LOL

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  23. Fun answer to this meme! I think it grew; when I had to do it, I only needed to write four odd things about myself. I, too, am horribly uncoordinated. And as for mothering, my dad is a veterinarian, so I came into lots of contact with baby animals. When I found a book about orphan babies on his bookshelf at his clinic, I became obsessed with hand-raising all manner of tiny, helpless wild animals. To this day the Human Society knows I'm a sucker and calls on me when they have week-old kittens who need to be nursed every hour, day and night.

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  24. Oh yes, Pete's Dragon. Falling off the balance beam in gym class because I was so uncoordinated. The memories.

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  25. Passamaquoddy!! I would love to have lunch sometime...in May, as I am booked until then. Let me know when the Grant That Ate Your Life settles.

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  26. I don't know what's more frightening... the sloth barbie guy or the dead mouse?

    Too funny once again.

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  27. Love your list. :) I've done it already, but I don't think mine was as funny as yours...

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  28. Although my OCD trait could beat up your OCD trait, that is a very interesting one, I must say. Ah, and the phone/public speaking thing. I still don't like making phone calls. THANK YOU AL GORE or whomever for the internet. Finally, I'm really sorry to hear about your coordination issues. Thank you very much for commenting on my meme but stay away from Mt. Kilimanjaro. Not because you'll fall off, but because hovering over toilets or more likely, holes, is obligatory.

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  29. What about the first rated "R" movie you saw and how old were you? I used to work at Blockbuster, I still straighten thier shelves when i go in one, I walk around mumbling about poor management LOL.

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  30. I can't wait for the Skoal post. Actually, that sounds like a country bar, doesn't it?

    Hi from down under you guys up there in the "valley". *waves*

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  31. Jess, will you please move to my neighborhood and come hang out with me during my boy's naptime? Thanks, in advance. Maybe I should write your publisher so that you'll do a signing at my local Books A Bazillion. . .

    For the rest of the day, I'll be wondering how the homeless dude managed to get his finger up your nose.

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  32. Ew, "hot dirty pocket change"! You just made me so glad I no longer work in retail.

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  33. Aww Jess, you're not that weird. But then again I think Farrah Fawcett and Andy Dick are normal.

    BTW, thanks for the link!

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  34. Any of the KB Toys here in California could've used you, because every single one is a complete mess.

    I'm thinking it's part of their sales strategy, that if they leave enough toys and boxes laying around on the floor, it makes it easier for the little kids to just pick them up and start begging their parents to buy it.

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  35. They probably give hubby a good laugh too, so I guess it's a tradeoff. Nice meme.

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