Monday, April 03, 2006

This Wholesome Post is Dedicated to George Carlin

I have recently learned that due to profanity, my blog is no longer deemed acceptable by the Internet screening system used by my friend’s employer. Apparently, I have exceeded the cumulative 100-point max value for dirty words. So in the interest of not getting my filthy prose banned from anyone else’s work computer, I will be writing a little more delicately from now on. Thus, I will be substituting the following words for more questionable ones henceforth. (You may want to clip this handy guide and carry it in your wallet for convenient future reference.)
  1. All references to “ayhole” and “aynus” (spelled semi-phonetically so as to not trigger the censors) will now be the more laborious but still accurate “Food Exit Portal.” Brown star is also acceptable. On occasion, I will employ rhyming techniques. Look for “nut roll” in these instances.
  2. The primary male reproductive organ will from now on be referred to as “tootyacker,” “man stem,” or “aarrrrghh, matey.” One-eyed snake is more disgusting than talking vomit, so it’s out. “Sack” and “bag” are also out because they are better served as paper or cloth totebags. That said, I might sneak a “taint” in from time to time as the case may be, if my subject matter requires it.
  3. Female “ahoy-hoys” will from now on be referred to as “delicate tulip” or “tough old clam,” depending on if I’m talking about me or Latoya Jackson. My darling husband campaigned for “trout flavored hatchet wound,” and although that would likely pass muster with the censors, it would leave him dangerously close to a lifetime of celibacy, so it’s out. I don’t think I even need to tell you that the words rhyming with “latch” and “punt” are barely in my vocabulary as it is, so they will not appear in pixilated form on this website. I feel that “box” would be acceptable, though I’m not fond of it, as box means “to punch” or “durable receptacle for goods.”
  4. Poo will be just that. I feel that dropping the second “p” at the end softens the word better than a jug of Dulcolax. If the mood strikes, I may employ “compacted crackers,” “corn car,” or “Deuce Bigalow movie.”
  5. All references to taking a dump will remain as such, or will be the more eloquent “dropping the kids off at the pool.” Past tenses of “sh*t” are acceptable, as in “shat.” Also acceptable are “Releasing the hostages,” “Painting the Throne,” and “Making a Deuce Bigalow movie.” (“Martin Lawrence” is an acceptable substitute for Deuce Bigalow.)
  6. F-bombs in adverb form will be variants of “effing.”
  7. Sadly, I can probably no longer say “phart.” And substituting “ph” for the “f” in words pisses me off, so I don’t even think I can bring myself to say “phart.” Thus, I may say “squeak,” “trumpet,” or “that’ll itch when it dries.”
  8. Most all references to “doing it” are out. For the time being, we’ll have to go with “to couple or engage in congress,” “to eat peaches,” and “to interview candidates for a rewarding position.” Soliciting this type of experience may be reduced to “Deal? Or no deal?” Deal-oriented directives may become, “Big money, no whammies!”
  9. A woman’s chest has more nicknames than anything in this galaxy, but I would rather eat a handful of thumbtacks and wax my head than use most of them. So I will use “yes, ma’ams,” as applicable.

Let’s take this new system for a test run, shall we? Great!

“That was so effed-up when we couldn’t find our car in the Disney World parking lot. Goofy parking area my food exit portal! That’s so effing lame. And it’s the last time we’ll be staying at a Ramada, those effwad aarrrrghh, mateys. Cheap-brown stars and their desiccated excuse for a continental breakfast. Little Timmy painted the throne all morning from that strip-your-lower-intestines-of-cilia buffet. He was so dehydrated we had to give him Gatorade Xtremo, which tastes like a liquid that will definitely itch when it dries. To make matters worse, you could totally hear the tourists in the next hotel room interviewing candidates for a rewarding position. We saw them later, and her yes ma’ams were obviously fake. What a coupla whammies. I don’t know. This whole vacation has been nothing but one giant Deuce Bigalow movie from start to finish. I can’t wait to get home.”

(Confession: I actually wrote this entry when the site-blocking event occurred a few weeks ago, but I didn’t like it, so I saved it for a day when my brain was the consistency of ripe compost and the best I could come up with would be supremely compacted crackers. See, I’m really a squirrel, storing away blog posts for days when my work schedule prohibits any thinking that doesn’t involve the words “positive outlets for high-risk energy.” But you know, this post is still a Martin Lawrence movie from start to finish. Sorry. Maybe Wednesday I’ll tell you about how I gleeked on someone by accident at a meeting today.)

46 comments:

  1. Gleeked?

    How many more weeks until The Grant That Ate Your Life is over?

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  2. Can we all agree to pronouce congress: "con-GRESS"? Just as one of the related words should be pronouced "haaar-DEN".

    Thank you for the primer, I have printed it and will have it tacked up next to my computer until it is memorized.

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  3. lol!!!
    since my Grandmother reads my blog I try to be cuss free!! Your post made me giggle!!

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  4. Dropping the kids off at the pool? Double points for orginality.

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  5. tootyacker = hilarious. One day I'll share with you my McSweeneys-rejected "top ten penis names of 2005 as reported by the social security administration."

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  6. From now on I think I may refer to my "tootyacker" as "aarrrrghh, matey."

    Your post really made me laugh.

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  7. This was too funny. I'm going to have to commit some of these to memory for future reference.

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  8. This was too effing funny. I will definitely have to add these terms to my crib notes.

    (My adolescent self cannot stop laughing at 'brown star.')

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  9. This post had me laughing my effin' food exit portal off. The guy in the office with me thinks I have lost my mind.

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  10. Oh my GOSH, Jess, that was sooo awesome. Thank you. I am going to print this and FRAME it.

    "Trout flavored hatchet wound!" HA!!!

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  11. This is hilariously funny, and you are way too honest. I'd have pretended like I sat down and clacked this post out in ten minutes. But really it would have taken days and day of scrutiny. And I haven't heard the word "gleek" since highschool, and that was many moons ago! Thanks for the refresh!

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  12. ROTFLMAO!

    (Are acronyms banned?)

    Hatchet wound? Yikes.

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  13. Holy crap! That was funny! "That'll itch when it dries." I'm still cracking up and can't wait to use it with my husband.

    I found your blog thru Lena. :)

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  14. You're twisted Jess, but in a good way.

    "Corn car?" Love it!

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  15. LMAO. That's effing great. Don't forget these gems:

    Manthrax: Male parts
    Dog Eared Sandwich: Female parts
    Parking the Meat Mobile in Tuna Town: Male parts meet female parts

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  16. Oh. My. God.

    Nearly wet my pants reading this one, Jess.

    In fact, found it so damn funny had to read it out loud to the husband-- who said through guffaws in response to #4, "I don't usually like "poo" jokes, but that was funny."

    And “aarrrrghh, matey” -- priceless.

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  17. Just reading it makes my dangling participle feel funny.

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  18. Oh, laughing too hard, oh, the laughing hurts, excellent, too good... must forward now...

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  19. lmao! I've been banned from more than a few work servers myself for profanity... My mission is to become so disgustingly filthy that I'm eventually banned from ALL servers in the world. Wouldn't that be awesome?

    I still want to hear your shoe/Walmart story!

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  20. When my husband, the minister, came home for lunch just now, I made him read this hysterical post. He giggled like a little girl.

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  21. Allright - I'm wondering about the gleeking too. Is that when you shoot a stream of spit out of your mouth accidentally?

    I can't believe you didn't like this post when you first wrote it! I would have been polishing it up for stardom if I'd been the one to write it!

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  22. My fave for a woman's hoo-hoo? Spider collection. Great visual, huh?

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  23. Potty mouth, potty mouth, you are a potty mouth! :-) Now you see why I censor my blog. Because I don't want to be censored! LOL!

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  24. People, people, people! You are just as bad as my students - if not worse. Trout-flavored hatchet wound??! Oy. What's wrong with a good old "Labia" now and again? Would the sensor-matic catch that?

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  25. Bwaah!!! YOU DIDN'T LIKE this entry? Oh em effin gee, woman, you are one tough critic. I laughed so hard it hurt at that second to last paragraph.

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  26. There is a reason you are so popular dear, it's because you are so freaking funny. Your post once replaced with appropriate words was confusing and I had to re-read several times (which made it funnier times two). I too try to refrain and since you posted such lovely alternatives, I may need to steal em.

    Way to hilarious---. "To make matters worse, you could totally hear the tourists in the next hotel room interviewing candidates for a rewarding position. We saw them later, and her yes ma’ams were obviously fake. What a coupla whammies. I don’t know. This whole vacation has been nothing but one giant Deuce Bigalow movie from start to finish. I can’t wait to get home.” ---OMG FUNNY.

    I think interviewing clients for a rewarding position is long and strong and I LIKE it.

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  27. I like to use "knowing you in the biblical sense" as my euphemism for the nasty.

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  28. Trout flavored hatchet wound?? Tell me you beat him p just a little for that one.

    And I'm totally planning to say 'That'll itch when it dries' the nest time someone poots in front of me. Even if it's me.

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  29. Nice. Keeping it clean.

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  30. I read this post, reread it, and then read it aloud to my husband. We're both giving you a standing ovation! That's the funniest thing I've read in a looong time.
    Yeah, I like potty humor. And I'm thrilled to hear that someone else knows what "Gleek" means.

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  31. Gleeking is considered an art form in Rhode Island. There are competitions dedicated to recognizing form, discretion, and spitulance.

    I applaud you for finishing that censored paragraph without laughing yourself into a spluttering stupor. Well done!

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  32. Too funny, you always entertain me. That's your life purpose right?

    No, I'm not always a "female dog".

    My hubby laughed for like 2 mintues straight at corn car!

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  33. Are you drinking again Jess?

    I will laminate this post and keep it handy.

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  34. I'm sitting at my desk laughing my arse off and everyone is looking at me.. they can eff off!

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  35. well here are a couple options for you, I've always loved the Hawaiian for a woman's anatomy: "PUNANI(beautiful flower)". And then for a man you can always use "the one eyed spitting snake". But then these are only suggestions :)

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  36. The Nearly's penis will forever be his "man-stem" to me from now on. I'm sure he'll be thrilled.

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  37. This is a post that you rejected???!!! But it's so effin hilarious!

    You crack me up, woman!

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  38. BAH-HA!

    "Trout flavored" *snort*

    So much better than blowfish.

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  39. LOVE this post! Glad you uploaded it after all. A very eloquent way to make the whole spamming & word-replacement system look totally ridiculous. After all, whatever words are used, it's still obvious what's meant by them.

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  40. I swear, but after reading your posts, I just shake my head in amazement. How DO you come up with these things? Actually, I read a great quote by Ray Bradbury which says: "When people ask me where I get my imagination, I simply lament, 'God, here and there, makes madness a calling.'" Jess, that's YOU. It's a gift and thank you for sharing it.

    Hi from SEW! *waves*

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  41. Woo Hoo Ha Ha that was extremely clever.

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  42. This is very, very funny. I especially like "being interviewed for a rewarding position."

    But yes...what is "gleeked"?

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  43. Oh, and is it tooty-acker or toot-yacker? Because there's a big difference. The first sounds funnier to me.

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  44. Bravo! Bravo! This is hilarious, Riley! It reminded me of my novel-cleansing machine LOL

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  45. Darn it all to heck, Jess. I just spewed on my monitor YET AGAIN. I need to learn not to catch up with your blog at lunchtime.

    Man stem, corn car -- LOLOLOLOL!

    Oh man. I'm crying now, but out of pure love and respect for this post.

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  46. "hatchet wound" sent me over the edge. Holy crap, you are funny.

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