Wednesday, February 08, 2006

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Well, Valentine’s Day (or ValenTIME’s Day to the people who also say “SupposeBly”) is less than a week away. I have no idea what to get the light of my life. Or my husband, either. I was thinking back to gifts I’ve received from ex-boyfriends, and frankly, now I know why they are all exes. Here is an assortment of gifts I’ve received in years past: ugly stuffed animals my dog wouldn’t even hump (and she humps everything—word to the wise: elbows in during sit-ups if Daisy is loose in the room), a set of tires for my car, a cliché—I mean a bouquet of flowers, a microwave, a Trenchcoat Mafia black leather jacket, dinner at a few suckass restaurant franchises, and my freedom (read: I was dumped. Twice. On two separate Valentine’s Days. But I did get a lovely glow candle as a parting gift once.) Well, looking back, the tires were pretty useful, but that’s like getting socks as a gift. Or a box of maxi pads.

I can’t remember a single thing I ever got anyone I dated, but those gifts probably sucked, too. Oh, once I made a guy a list of 100 things I liked about him. Now THERE are four hours of my life I want back. Kind of how you’d feel after watching a double feature of Catwoman and Battlefield Earth. And five years ago when I was first dating my husband I made him a scrapbook-collagey thing full of pictures from our life together up to that point. Because nothing says “I love you” like the clever application of pinking shears, stickers, and various novelty hole punches on construction paper. (Actually, what it really said was, “I’m cheap AND crafty!”)

But now I’m stumped. The desired gifts are of such a highly technical nature that I know I’d screw it up if I tried to “surprise” him. I mean, I tossed my cell phone into the trunk of my car when I could no longer figure out how to re-up my minutes, and I haven’t seen it since. I can barely figure out how to flip back to Iron Chef after watching a DVD. I’m kind of like my Dad that way. Couldn’t figure out how to hang up the cell phone, so he smashed it on the ground. Just doing our part to support the whole “descendent of apes” side of the story.

So anyway. Now most of our gift exchanges take the form of joint shopping expeditions. What better way to reaffirm a lifelong commitment to one another than to participate in a good, old-fashioned American consumer orgy? Sure, I could have said, “shopping spree,” but it is ValenTIME’s Day. And “orgy” is just more romantic, don’t you think?

Now I want to know: what’s the shittiest gift you’ve ever received (or given) on Valentine’s Day?


  1. Valentines gifts...Hmmmmm...well, if you want to do a couples thing, the current GF signed us up for a cooking class, which was fun. I can now make a shrimp etouffe better than any straight man on the planet.

    Alternatively, powertools are always good (nothin' says love like a pnematic framing nailer).

    An iPod is a good gift. (I am going to post about mine tomorrow). As far as gifts go, it is the antithesis of suck.

    You could also get some of those "budoir" shots taken. I've never received them, but that would be a really good gift. I mean, like, pneumatic framing nailer kinda' good.

  2. Man, you had a lot of boyfriends to get that many gifts in your life! I usually got squat. All I wanted in life was a heart-shaped pizza date at the local pizza joint at college. Never got that.

    The funnest Valentine's occured when I was 19 and in college. My roommate and I decided to ban / veto/ what's the word I'm looking for... (to not participate...) anyway, not that we had anyone to participate with on that V Day. But, we decorated our dorm room with black construction hearts and signs that said, "We hate Lovers," "Cupid Sucks," stuff like that. Then we went to a party and kidnapped a guy we didn't even know, brought him back to our dorm room, made him buy us a pizza (I'm sure we shared it with him), and then made him sleep on the dorm-room floor. I wonder if that was HIS best V day too?

  3. homeimprovementninja: yes, we will soon succumb to the iPod god in our house. It is inevitable.

    Manic: I LOVE that story! "We hate lovers:" priceless! And yeah, I did go through the guys in college. Plus, this doesn't even count the two V-days I spent with my fellow single girlfriends. *sheepish grin*

  4. Do crappy Christmas gifts count?

    I got golf clubs.

    I'm not a golfer.

    Divorce papers are in the works. (maybe)

  5. Vallatime's day is my favourite holiday in Feb-u-ary. I can't say I've ever given tires as a "gift holiday" gift, but thanks for giving me the list of things to avoid - including flowers (damn it!) and a microwave.

    I would have to say that the shittiest gift I've ever given to someone would be evidence of my total lack of creativity: home cooked dinner, flowers, crap like that. It's embarrassing how little effort usually goes into that particular occasion.

    ps: thanks for visiting my blog!

  6. I got a microwave, too! It was probably for birthday or Christmas, however. And I married him, because I am a slave to a good nuked spud.

  7. Oh, that's easy! The guy I dated for two and a half years once bought a whole suite of supplies for my apartment--a trash can, a dust pan, a broom, and a laundry sorter. No kidding! I actually still use some of the stuff, but, jeez! Nothing says romance to some people like a new kitchen sized garbage can, I guess.

  8. ginamarina6:48 PM

    ahh, easy...
    my ex-husband was quite the charmer. And on top of *nothing* he blamed it on me. Because he figured *I* wouldn't want him to spend the money. He used this more than once. Including my birthday.

    And once for xmas he called one of our employees and had him stop at and buy me some long underwear. I managed this particular employee, and he somehow felt obligated to tell me this (probably after telling his 12 co-workers)... I do believe that was the last xmas together... I mean, when even all your employees know, it's time. =)

  9. When you think about it, smashing a cellphone on the ground makes sense. After all, that does hang it up.

  10. Sex. Very bad sex.

  11. I have to like a woman who says "suckass". It's a personal favorite.

    My shittiest ValentiMes Day gift ever is "a lifetime of too-lame-to-remember gifts" from a handful of boyfriends, admirers and one husband.

    Does that count?

  12. 1. One of those el-cheapo stuffed bears you find at 7-11. Women involved in LTRs do not deserve a last minute gift picked up on the fly while you're gassing up your car.

    2. Worst birtdhay gift? An orbitrek. I did not ask for it. Nothing says, "Lose that fat ass," MORE than getting an exercise machine for one's birthday.

    PS: The same folks who say "ValenTIMEs" and "Supposebly" are the same folks who love to say "Akst" or "Axe" instead of ASK (and of course they wonder why they are stuck in dead end jobs. It's called ENUNCIATION and PRONUNCIATION, people!!

  13. I've been waiting for Valentine's Day to write about one of the meanest things I ever did in my life. I'm going to post it next week.

    Other than that, the worst gift I gave was nothing. The worst gift I got was nothing.

    My wife and I talk about how we don't care about the gift-giving holidays, but it always seems a little awkward when we don't do anything.

  14. Oh, this dredges up painful memories...
    The worst gift I ever received for Valentine's Day was when I was 16. The 19-year-old-high-school-senior I was sort of dating gave me a handful of weeds. No, not "weed," which would at least have been useful, but actual weeds, as in cattails and such. Why? "Because flowers are played out." He also wrote me a truly excruciating poem.

  15. You know the groundhog from the movie "Groundhog Day"? Apparently there's a stuffed, electronic version of him that stiffly moves back and forth while singing a very annoying and loud song. Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

    Worst. Valentine's. Day. Gift. Ever.

  16. One ValentiMes Day, an old boyfriend, well, I considered him a boyfriend but clearly he didn't consider me his girlfriend, came by to do his laundry at my apartment before leaving for a three week trip. I had a card for him and a little gift and he had A TRASH BAG OF LAUNDRY. Later he sent me a postcard from his trip where he told me there were lots of beautiful naked women on the beach. Oh, and he ended it with ME.

  17. me and my husband don't exchange Christmas OR Valentine's Day gifts...we buy whatever we want for ourselves during the year. There's no point in participating Consumerism Days I and

  18. ooh, ooh! I forgot. One year, after me being slightly pissed at no gift, he gave me a rose. a single red rose. The rose from the gas station that costs 6 bucks. The rose with that clear stiff plastic around it, so when you try to pull the rose out of the plastic, all the petals fall off. hehe. I guess he tried. He could've thrown in some gum an a candy bar since he was there ;)

  19. oh that's really funny. one of my college buddies says “SupposeBly”

    i dunno why, i dunno how he came to the conclusion that that is how it is meant to be said. but we never corrected him. it's just too funny.

    oh...come over by way of Manic Mom

  20. b/c I was broke-ish, I made those hershey kiss cookies (and I don't bake, so it was kind of an event in my house) and put out. eventually, I was called out for lack of effort (the cookies part, that is) or some such. I think he was bent that he'd spent some decent flip (dinner?) and I hadn't. he was a bit of a tool, so I really don't feel bad about it.