Kids Suggest the Darndest Phy Ed Units

I’ve been working with a local school district on a Carol M. White Physical Education grant (also known as the “Saving the World One Dodgeball at a Time” grant) and I knew you would appreciate an update.

First of all, I have no idea who Carol M. White is. Or was. One suspects that she a) is deceased; b) was known for wearing velour jogging suits and carrying a clipboard; c) single-handedly kept the whistle and lanyard factory in business; d) wore squeaky white sneakers with brightly colored laces all the time, even to bed; or, e) all of the above. Anyway, the PE team I’m working with is fantastic. They are everything you’d like a cooperative client to be and more. I love them so much, I want to marry them. And then be a polygamist.

Part of the pre-grant gruntwork involved surveying high school students about what new Phy Ed units they’d like to see, and yesterday I laughed so hard while reading the responses that I dislodged an important internal organ, peed myself a little, and threw my uvula out of joint.

But back to the survey. Most of the kids responded with relatively normal answers such as badminton, rock climbing, yoga, volleyball and the like. But a few kids contributed some unique write-in suggestions, including:

"anything dangerous"
How about wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the American flag AND a big Uncle Sam hat on a family vacation to Iran? Or there’s always the old standby: razor juggling.

"Spalunking"
I don’t know, but I suspect this might involve stalking and then beating someone up at La Petite Retreat Day Spa. While this may appear to be a standards-based approach to developing hand-eye coordination, it could lead to jail time. Which would perhaps facilitate more motor skill development, but could certainly impede graduating with one’s peers. So, it’s out.

"Sleeping"
Calories burned for a 110-pound student during a one-hour class period: 47
It could work. I know I would ace the final exam.

"Ninjutsi, Kenop, sai-chi, akido, and art ovui"
Don’t you get the feeling that this kid is a big fan of anime? And has a tendency to make up words after watching a marathon of Jet Li movies? And perhaps practices kung fu-like kicks and poses in his or her bedroom, in front of a full-size mirror? And lives in an imaginary world populated by talking robots and tarepandas and live action samurai with shintaro? And needs a hug?

"Grinding"
There is no mortar and pestle involved here, folks. And you don’t want to even know what the final exam entails.

"Foam Pit"
I myself prefer the bin-o-balls at the local McDonald’s play area. When they don’t yell at me to get out, that is.

"Clubbing"
Let’s not even bring the baby seals into this.

"Computer gaming"
Uh-oh, it’s the anime kid again. Will someone please expose this child to sunlight and fresh air?

"Listening to music"
Now with this, I’m not sure I’d reach my target heart rate unless I was listening to the songs “Cotton Eye Joe” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Both of which piss me off so much I want to smash things into tiny shards of micromatter, and then shrink myself down to the size of an atom so I can smash my micromatter into oblivion.

“gun range, paintball, sporting clays, hunting, 4 wheeling, and dirt biking”
Okay, but only if you’re wearing protective gear and are committed to reinforcing stereotypes about rural men.

And finally, my personal favorite:

"Michael Jackson Lessons"

I’ll wait a minute for you to visualize a Michael Jackson lesson. I’m not sure what this PE unit would entail, but I suspect it would result in lots of angry letters from parents. There may also be a field trip to Dubai, some monkeys, extensive plastic surgery, and a baby tossing competition.

And what do you think the uniform would look like? White glove and shiny marching band jacket or … abaya?

You know, I normally steer clear of Michael Jackson jokes, because it’s a little like making fun of the Olson twin’s eating disorders and super-size shades. The punchlines practically write themselves. And I enjoy more of a challenge, you know? But when a high school kid specifically requests “Michael Jackson LESSONS” as part of a new physical education curriculum, well, I simply can’t help myself.