Tuesday, February 21, 2006

True Story

First, I have to tell you that this morning's headline in my local paper reads, “Sex offender causes uneasy feeling.”

Damn. If I knew my local paper was The Onion, I’d have subscribed YEARS ago!

Okay, on to my story.

Last night, as I made my way back to the parking ramp to retrieve my car and head home from work, I was following a cute blond girl chattering away on a cell phone. She wore stylish boots, with next season’s black winter coat cinched around her trim waist. A hip pink bag was slung over her shoulder, chock full of bubble gum and lip gloss and a pastel iPod and pixies with fairy dust. Suddenly, a young man across the street whistled at her. “Hey girl!”

Because she was deep in conversation, she just smiled coyly at him and continued on her way. I, on the other hand, felt somewhat demoralized. It wasn’t too long ago that I was getting my own catcalls. Were they over for good? Did this mean I was…old?

I decided to zip across the street to ask this young man. “Excuse me,” I said. “I heard you whistle at that young lady ahead of me and I was wondering why you didn’t whistle at me.”

He gave me a slightly pitiful look, but one tinged with good humor. “Oh, I don’t want to be rude.”

It was worse than I thought. “Go on. Tell me.” I glanced down at myself. “It’s the sensible shoes, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “Yeah. You also have a pretty sensible haircut.”

I cringed and touched my hair. “But it’s such a snap to style in the morning!”

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is how you look to me. And that haircut might take you two seconds to style, but if it’s not giving me a woody, what’s the point?” He suddenly seemed concerned at my downtrodden expression. “But don’t worry! That’s so easy to fix. Also, you are wearing earmuffs. See, you’re substituting comfort for style, and that’s bad. But easily taken care of.” He reached over and pulled my earmuffs off my head. “That’s better! Look world, she has ears!”

I self-consciously looked down at my outfit again for other easy things to fix. “Oh Lord.” I chuckled at the bag on my shoulder. This one was easy. "It's my insulated lunch cooler." Nothing screamed “sensible, aging office drone” like an insulated lunch bag. How could I have missed this!

He laughed. “Well, yes, that and the fact that you clearly got it for free from the Defenders of Wildlife Foundation. Also, it’s kinda dirty.” He leaned in, as if to study my outfit more closely. “And? You smell a little like bran.” He leaned closer, sniffing and wrinkling his nose. “Is that…is that poop?”

I felt myself blush. I had indeed soiled myself as I walked out of my building, and I thought I’d be able to make it home without further incident. I was wrong. I went for a weak chuckle. “I am wearing Depends. I guess they don’t really trap the smell.”

He pinched his nose. “I’ll say. But I tell you what. Tomorrow I’ll smear some bacon grease in my eyes and as soon as I see your blur, I’ll give you a shout out. But you know what really would solve all your problems?”

“What?” I licked my dentures eagerly. “What?!?” I was desperate. He held the keys to a future that would only be rewarding if whippersnappers like him found me attractive.

“You need to ditch the Rascal scooter.”

I felt my heart sink. How do you like that? Well, I had to draw the line somewhere. No way was I giving up the freedom of convenient, legless mobility for a few catcalls. “Sorry bud. That’s one concession I’m not gonna make.” And with that, I flipped my clip-on sunglasses down over my spectacles, settled comfortably on my donut pillow, and slowly zoomed away.

“Wait! Don’t you need help crossing the street?”

“You can get your Boy Scout badge elsewhere, punk," I shouted over my shoulder. "I’m an independent woman.”

35 comments:

  1. You're a rock star. Plain and simple.

    Okay, gotta run now, Seth Westcott just called me and he needs his snowboard waxed. hehehehehe

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  2. You had me up until somewhere between bran and poop.

    *whistle*

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  3. You are really, too, too funny...thanks for this chuckle...

    and for stopping by my site...

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  4. That is too funny... I'm at work reading your blog which is a no-no. Well they don't mind the blog reading but they do mind me reading your blog... I'm kidding.

    Even though you almost got me in trouble for laughing out loud.

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  5. You go girl! And don't worry. You're not over the hill yet.

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  6. I don't want to admit how long into this "conversation" that I thought you'd really done this (new to your site, I dunno, maybe you *do* have a sensible haircut). I WISH you had tho (less poop admission), call the guy out, just to see what happens?

    Best I've done is to tel the guys using the jack hammers tp "keep it down" while lowering my hand to the ground.

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  7. I love this.

    *wipes tears from eyes*

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  8. “And? You smell a little like bran.” He leaned closer, sniffing and wrinkling his nose. “Is that…is that poop?”


    (giggle)

    (pause)

    I just... Hm.

    (giggle)

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  9. "but if it’s not giving me a woody, what’s the point?"

    Ha ha ha ha ha aha ha aha ha Ha!!

    whew, you are fun-ny!!

    Thanks for making my day!

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  10. You crack me up.

    This is sick, but I saw a commercial for the Rascal the other night and I thought to myself, "That would make grocery shopping so much easier."

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  11. Very cute and cleverly written. Glenda

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  12. I was totally buying it up until the bran and poop comment. Although I was a little mortified at the thought that you went over there. You're f'n fantastic regardless. I'm going back to read it again. ;)

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  13. you had me until bran too...and you're what 25? :)

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  14. I so know how you feel, as you may know if you've read that fairly recent blog entry of mine about my non-sexual crush on the 6' tall model on the metro. She looks like Vogue while I look like The Express and it makes me sad.

    :-)

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  15. It's always so nice to see an elderly person with a sense of humor, if not decorum. Kidding! Don't whack me with your cane or anything.

    (you absolutely crack me up)

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  16. Heehee! That was fun.

    SPM: You know, I was really torn between the Hoveround and the Rascal, but in the end, I just felt the Rascal had the edge on the Hoveround. Although I do enjoy their commercials. Especially the one with singing.

    PS: Hey MQ..psst: I'm 31.

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  17. That guy just doesn't know sexual lioness when he sees her! Perhaps a ride on the Rascal would've sealed the deal.

    Better luck next time.

    Oh, and best to change yourself before leaving the house. And put on some pumps. White ones. That's what I say...

    LOL - This one is gold Jess!

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  18. Man, don't I know it...Hilarious!

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  19. That guy was all wrong. Clearly, he was written from a woman's perspective. :) If you want catcalls, just wear tight revealing clothing. That's all.

    Seriously though, I don't know what I'd say if a woman asked me why I didn't catcall her. 'Course, to find out, I guess I'd have start catcalling instead of my inconspicuous staring. It is inconspicuous, isn't it?

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  20. Th-th-thirty ONE???!?!?!

    Wait til you're past 40.....and even YOU wouldn't whistle at you anymore.

    The one positive in all that getting older? You just don't care. Sensible haicuts and comfortable shoes suddenly make sense. Sloooowly you turn into your mother...

    Aaaaaah!

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  21. Two words for you: capri pants

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  22. PS Damn fiction writers. They get you every time.

    I was going to buy your book anyway - no need to string a girl along. LOL.

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  23. That is so not a true story! I thought you wore the knock-off Depends! You... you... you... why, you, James Frey wannabe you! LOL.

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  24. And wait a minute here Missy. You've been blogging for HOW long? Four months, maybe five, and YOU GET 30+ COMMENTS ON POSTS! No fair. I need a book deal. I need an audience. I need a refill on my Xanax prescription! xo

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  25. tiff - that was so depressing :) Do you really lose your sex appeal at 40? I'm scarreeeed!

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  26. It's okay to laugh right?

    Right?

    Cause that was HILARIOUS!

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  27. LOL!

    I love you, cool woman :-)

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  28. I always think to confront those who don't whistle. Now I know what would happen, if I only had the courage. Thanks for sharing.

    Howdy from down below *waves*

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  29. mq - let me put it this way - you don't LOSE your sex appeal (I'm talking the stricly physical kind here), as much as you have to search for it a little harder than you used to.

    Substance and style matter so much more now. And this from a former bodybuilder/body obessive woman!

    The confidence one gets as one gets older is pretty damned sexy, even if the packaging has lost a little luster!

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  30. Great post, Jess. You're a wonderful writer.

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  31. if he didn't find the scent of your BenGay enchanting, to hell with him I say... ;)

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  32. You're a good writer, you know that?

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  33. The confidence one gets as one gets older is pretty damned sexy, even if the packaging has lost a little luster!

    Tiff - I can live with that :)

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  34. OH MY GOD! LMAO

    Okay let me catch my breathe.

    About a year ago I was freaking out about the fact that I wasn't getting cat calls. I'm pretty sure it was my "sensible" mommy outfits that did it. Oh, or my 3 crying kids, nothing says sexy like 3 whinny brats. :0)


    Love the title of the paper..."may offend.." Um, okay...


    Pink purse? Hmmm... Only if it's a nice one or you know REAL otherwise it's Kmart special and NOT cute. Although men don't really care about stuff like that.

    Last night there was this girl with an UGLY fake shiny gold purse. Men still hit on her though and all I kept thinking was her purse is hideous. I guess the big boobs on display hide the ugly purse.

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  35. is it possible to form an addiction after reading only 2 posts?

    i knew you were creating when you walked over to the guy, but i went along for the ride on the rascal willingly. :D

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