I knew I had a future in fiction when …

Recently, my family was digging around in my younger brother’s collection of school memorabilia and old homework assignments so we could humiliate him in front of his new girlfriend. Boy howdy did we have a laugh. It was so much fun that my sister and I started rummaging through our old stuff, too.

For awhile, it was all cutesy crayon drawings and homemade birthday cards and “recipies” I wrote in 1981 for things like “quick nut cake” (take flour—brown sugar nut’s one egg plan sugar mix Add anything Cook one hour Wath. When done stick toothpick in if hot cool.)

AND

"Cheese saled" (tak eny kind of cheese and sherd. It the take some lettus and cute cumbers and parmison cheese and mix and serve).

AND

"Candy bars." (First take Hershey’s chocolate and cool whip and nuts and mix then harden in blocks and freeze overnigt in morning take out and enjoy.)

Then I came across something a bit, well, ODD in one of my old kindergarten report cards. My teacher Miss Barb had written this in the comment section: “Jessica is a bright, talkative student. She continues to do well in school. But I don’t know where she gets the disturbing idea that parents who do not want their babies boil them alive!!!”

Yes, there were three exclamation marks. And no Miss Barb, none of us know where I came up with that one. I know my parents didn’t tell me this, because a) I lived through childhood, b) they didn’t boil my younger siblings, and c) if I had the kind of parents who told things like that to their children, I doubt I’d have gotten A’s in school. Or combed my hair on a daily basis.

But you know, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this strange comment from my first teacher. After all, it was also the year in which I drew this:





















Now, who wants cream with their Monday morning coffee?