Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Plea for Sanity

Okay, I KNOW I said that would be my last post for a few days, but I couldn't help myself. It's an addiction, see. A compulsion. A reward for getting my work done today.

So this morning I turned on the television to determine, by number of local school closings due to the snowstorm, whether or not I’d be commuting to work today. Good Morning America was on. And lo and behold, Charlie Gibson, Diane Sawyer, and Robin Roberts were doing a “blind” taste test of frozen lasagnas. In honor of the Olympics, of course. Because a law has been passed that until February 26, everything will revolve around the Olympics.

And of course the cheapass Stouffers and Michelina's Italian-flavored death patties came in first. I was practically shouting at the screen: “Of course you liked those budget bastards the best! They contain the lifetime RDA of delicious sodium for eight people! And thanks to those saltcakes, you will be dead in two days! Everyone KNOWS that foods that will kill you in two days are the most delicious, you idiots!”

Ah, delicious sodium. It’s a well-known historical fact that mummy’s faces ended up all stretched-out like that because they had just eaten a fatal dose of sodium in the form of Tostitos and processed cheese dip. You see, they were having orgasms. In their mouths.

And then it was too late. Their bodily fluids had evaporated and they died.

Here’s another food that can kill you in two days: old boxed wine. I’ve been aging mine in the fridge for going on three years now, and it’s still delicious. Because bacteria makes mouths happy. And here you thought it was Twizzlers!

But back to Good Morning America. After the sodium-industry sponsored taste test, they showed a clip for an upcoming broadcast in which tiny cameras would reveal, for the first time, the insides of Diane Sawyer’s arteries, Robin Roberts’ heart, and…Charlie Gibson’s brain. Because Katie Couric’s colon wasn’t enough.

I don’t know about you, but this kind of crap makes me want to consume a deadly dose of cured ham, Salt n’ Vinegar chips, pickles, and Bloody Mary mix poured over bouillon cubes until I end up like Shrinky McCharcoalcheeks up there. I know, I know…they’re raising awareness so we all make appointments for important medical tests. But I dream of a world in which people schedule their own routine medical procedures and eat a high fiber diet without Katie Couric subjecting me to the smooth, pink interior of her poop chute. Together, we can make this happen. Won’t you join me?

Now, I’m off to watch some Olympics.


  1. Oh, that picture! Did you HAVE to go there?!

    I've had Stouffer's lasagna a few times and it ROCKED. I always keep it in mind if I ever have to serve a crowd of 50 or so. They make an industrial sized version.

  2. Thanks, Jess. Now you've made me hungry. My husband and I are about to go out to celebrate Valentine's Day, but we haven't bothered to get ready yet. Now I might have to get the motivation.

  3. Oh let's not go there about the sodium, girlfriend!!! Wait until you're told by several doctors that you CAN'T have it--that is when you will sneak a bouillion cube into your cheek when no one is looking. :0

  4. I love that picture LOL... I'm going to go eat some olives dipped in salt.

  5. Oooh, I loves me some watermelon or sliced tomato with salt.

    How sad is it that your post only served to make me hungry..for salt?

  6. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I'm getting ready to go to bed and what do I have burned into my memory? That creepy picture. Bad, Jess. bad, bad, bad! LOL!


  7. you underestimate the great taste of salt and vinegar chips. MMMMMMMM.....I will put up with bloating and even death for just another taste of those delicious chips. Unfortunately I've yet to find them in a baked or low fat variety. What gives? I need chemicals. I need additives that cause anal leakage. Okay, I may have taken that a step too far but you get the point.

  8. Anonymous10:41 PM

    You just names several of my favorite foods (especially salt and vinegar chips).

    I'm done. I know it.

  9. what about spam? is spam high in sodium?

    i'm not dead yet because i've never tasted it i suppose.

  10. Okay you are FUNNY. I'm not sure how I found your site (Arwen, Jill?) but you are FUNNY.

    I am with you 100% on those sodium filled foods...American's mistake sodium and sugar for tasting good.

    They mistake the mood altering effect for something that tastes good.

    In that respect, I am sure crack would "taste" good to them, too.

    There are some natural food tastes that actually taste better than even sodium and sugar.

    Go figure.

  11. I'm guessing they chose lasagna in honor of the Olympics because it's Italian food? And the Olympics are in Italy? That's kind of like giving your lover a cubic zirconia to celebrate National Diamond Day. Couldn't they actually try to eat some real, yummy Italian food instead of something frozen? (OK, I realize this is partially a marketing thing and aimed at a wide spectrum of Americans -- but still, dumb idea.)

  12. The question to me is - why are these morning shows the product of a NEWS desk? Grrr. Poop chute reconnaisance and salt-apalooza taste tests Are.Not.News. They are fluff.
    How weak is it to have a frozen lasagna taste-off just because the Olympics are being held in Torino? Why not a nice Chianti sampling?

  13. I'm just sort of glad that it's got them to shut up about Dancing With the Stars. But I really didn't need to see Charlie's brain.

    I think that the terrible, delicious lasagne would have to be a "sometimes" food. I'd rather make my own anyway; god only knows what kind of crap is in the boxed stuff. I'm sure it's delicious, though.

  14. I remember that Katie Courek thing. I have to admire her for that. She let it all hang out.

  15. Mrs. Harridan, have you ever watched "Dancing...?" I freaking love that show and I know how ridiculous that makes me sound. I even am so obsessed that I actually CALLED IN TO VOTE last night. Eight times. Four on my home phone and four on my cell. It's embarrassing. It's a sickness. I must get awaaaaaaay from blogs and TV. This is how bad it is. I Tivod Survivor. I need help.

    Jess - I have to say that was the best combo of disgusting humor. But growing up with a mom who didn't eat wheat or anything else sold in a grocery store for that matter, I have few cravings for for that much salt. I guess I'm missing out something. Sugar? That's another topic :)

  16. Pay attention to what I eat? Read labels...I need a drink and I'll think about it.

    Isn't Katie cute, missed the poop chute episode, though, I heard about it though.

  17. I laughed, hard, while I read this post and shoveled a handful of pretzels into my piehole.

    Sugar I can do without, but salt - GIVE ME MORE SALT.

    And coffee. It's usually a lack of caffeine that gets me looking like that picture.

  18. mmm, sodium....

    now I'm craving soy sauce and the loose salt at the bottom of a bag of pretzels.... ;)

  19. Dude, you're totally making me crave Bloody Mary mix poured over boullion cubes.

  20. I used to brag that I didn't like salt until I looked on the side of the can of soup I was heating up and saw how much sodium was in it.


  21. The resorts at Disney have to offer several vegetarian dishes for their conference attendees. The chef at one of these resorts was attempting to recreate Stouffer's vegetable lasagna, and he finally just gave up.

    They actually decided to just buy Stouffer's vegetable lasagna and put it directly on the buffet.

    An now you know ... the rest of the story. ... ... Good day.

  22. Hi Jess! I just wanted to pop in and let you know that your kudos was placed on my blog in tonight's post! Thanks so much for participating!! I actually *like* that picture, but then, I'm pretty weird :D

  23. See, this is exactly why I don't watch "the morning shows." In lieu of actual news and/or interviews, they create scenarios in which we, the viewers, are scared shitless. They cause panic and chaos ensues. I hate when things ensue.