Sunday, February 19, 2006

I knew I had a future in fiction when …

Recently, my family was digging around in my younger brother’s collection of school memorabilia and old homework assignments so we could humiliate him in front of his new girlfriend. Boy howdy did we have a laugh. It was so much fun that my sister and I started rummaging through our old stuff, too.

For awhile, it was all cutesy crayon drawings and homemade birthday cards and “recipies” I wrote in 1981 for things like “quick nut cake” (take flour—brown sugar nut’s one egg plan sugar mix Add anything Cook one hour Wath. When done stick toothpick in if hot cool.)

AND

"Cheese saled" (tak eny kind of cheese and sherd. It the take some lettus and cute cumbers and parmison cheese and mix and serve).

AND

"Candy bars." (First take Hershey’s chocolate and cool whip and nuts and mix then harden in blocks and freeze overnigt in morning take out and enjoy.)

Then I came across something a bit, well, ODD in one of my old kindergarten report cards. My teacher Miss Barb had written this in the comment section: “Jessica is a bright, talkative student. She continues to do well in school. But I don’t know where she gets the disturbing idea that parents who do not want their babies boil them alive!!!”

Yes, there were three exclamation marks. And no Miss Barb, none of us know where I came up with that one. I know my parents didn’t tell me this, because a) I lived through childhood, b) they didn’t boil my younger siblings, and c) if I had the kind of parents who told things like that to their children, I doubt I’d have gotten A’s in school. Or combed my hair on a daily basis.

But you know, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this strange comment from my first teacher. After all, it was also the year in which I drew this:





















Now, who wants cream with their Monday morning coffee?

35 comments:

  1. LMFAO - just don't let an art therapist get ahold of that puppy (or should I say kitty???).

    Those are some stretchy nipples and sadly, I know the feeling...

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  2. Okay, that's just plain funny. The drawing especially. I love to look through my old papers, like the time when I was in eighth grade and wrote about love, wondering on paper if I was in love with the guy I had a crush on or not. Through pages of prose, I finally decided that I was indeed in love. I can't actually remember who it was, though. Hmmmm.

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  3. That drawing made me laugh out loud-too funny! I love coming across things like that. I recently came across a box of letters from college that brought up a lot of emotion. I laughed and cried at the same time.

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  4. That's so funny!
    And my favorite? Cute cumbers. Love that!

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  5. My first attempt at fiction was when I was 13. I honestly thought I had a wonderful work of fiction. It was a family saga about a girl who was adopted by a big family. It sucked.

    Tanya

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  6. That picture is hysterical. Poor repressed Miss Barb. heh

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  7. ROFL...OMG...this was funny as hell. Boiling babies? WTF??? Love the picture. Very realistic, actually. It blows away my "hand turkey". Remember those?

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  8. I want to buy that picture!

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  9. That picture was disturbing, only for the fact that I can feel Mama Cat's pain.

    I ran across a leter to Santa that I wrote when I was 5:

    "Dear Santa, thank you for the toys. I left a cookie and a gin and tonic by the window for you."

    Nice.

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  10. he drawing shows how observent you were...and probably ahead of your time!

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  11. Looks like Mama cat might want to start a kettle...
    Ouch!

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  12. Awesome drawing!!!

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  13. That's drawing is unfinished.

    Where is the pot of boiling water? ;)

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  14. Seems like "bright, talkative student" is teacher/parent code for something. But being neither, I have no idea what!

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  15. That's hilarious! I love, love, love the picture of the cat and the kitten. I'm actually going to send that link to my friend...

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  16. LMAO. Oh my god that's some funny shit. Thank you! I really really needed that laugh this morning. Once again you prove you are my comedy goddess.

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  17. OMG that is WAY too funny. LMAO

    I love that picture and the fact that it indeed goes with your "boiling kids alive" report card. ~sigh~

    :0)

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  18. When I was 5, I came up with a recipe for chewing gum that involved dried pasta and Dixie cups. Your candy bar recipe, though, now THAT is good. That is something I would probably eat now!

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  19. OMG, GREAT PICTURE!!! ANd that really, truly does happen if they suckle on just ONE BREAST! So, breastfeeding ladies, make sure to SWITCH! ahahah.

    Hey, thanks for the Kudos shout-out at that other site--so very cool of you! xoxo

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  20. That's actually quite an accurate depiction of what it's like to breastfeed.

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  21. Just wanted to let you know I have come back to this site just to look at your cat pic at least 6 times.

    It's STILL funny,

    ~giggle~

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  22. Okay, that nipple stretch is making me itchy.

    And tremble with silent laughter.

    Too freaking funny!

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  23. You were very creative back then. In fact, you were so creative that you even spelled creatively.

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  24. That poor Mama kitty. Think of the stretch marks, for God's sake. That kitten is lucky it didn't get boiled alive.

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  25. LMFAO!!!! THAT IS DEFINITELY THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I'VE SEEN ALL WEEKEND!!! LOL!

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  26. Nice picture. Now I feel like I've eaten a bad hotdog.

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  27. Oh that makes me wish my parents had kept that stuff of mine... You were quite the artist. I wonder what kind of messed up stuff my daughter will come up with when she's older.

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  28. LMAO! You continue to amaze me. Wow. That is freaking hilarious!!!!

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  29. What kind of tripped-out, suckling feline nightmare were you having as a child? What kind of dark cat hell did that image come from? I'm deeply troubled.

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  30. HOLY CRAP, I am laughing so hard right now. That was f*ing awesome. I feel a strong urge to fly back to NY right now to rummage through my old school stuff and report back. A couple years ago I found my kindergarden report card, and apparently I had trouble with my shapes. Who knew? Good thing I worked that out or Hollywood Squares would confuse me even more than it already does.

    "What the *F* does circle gets the square even mean?!?"

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  31. If you had been my daughter and had drawn this I would be a millionaire. Or still laughing 20 years later. Whichever, that just freakin rox!

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  32. Dammit, stop being so funny! The exterminator is here and he thinks I've lost my mind because I'm laughing out loud. That picture is priceless. I think you should use it on the cover of your book. Wink.

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  33. you are KIDDING me right now.

    air, i need air. LOL

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  34. Anonymous9:18 AM

    Best. Picture. Ever.
    I totally want to use that as my blog banner if I ever have a kid.

    P.S. This is not "anonymous" it is Alexa, but it won't let me fill in my information..

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  35. I wanted to show Hubz your cat picture as we were talking about how freakin' deformed your boobs look when you're using a scary, evil breast pump.The similarity is uncanny.

    BTW...Did you see that I loved this post so much I pimped it on my list of good things for the week? lol

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