Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Perv Post

This week I wrapped up a monster grant that had to be submitted entirely online. Everything, including letters of support and signature pages, had to be scanned and sent electronically.  During the wrap-up meeting with my client, we decided to scan everything right onto my jump drive.

Their scanner was newfangled, fast, and seriously whiz-bang awesome—the rickety-ass scanner at my office is so elderly it reeks of mimeograph ink and gives a little wheeze whenever you press “Start.”  But my client’s scanner had speed and skill that brought joyful tears to my eyes. The phrase “I didn’t know it could be like this!” played on my lips.
Before I left, one of the secretaries asked to double-check my flash drive to make sure all of the scanned pages showed up.

“Sure!”  I said as I handed her my drive, blissfully unaware of the horror to come.
So she plugged it into her computer and pulled up the USB port menu. And there, listed next to the scanned PDFs, was a Word document I'd titled PERV POST.  

Oh Dear God.
All caps, sandwiched between the two scans, nearly shouting at you: PERV POST!

“Yep, there they are!” I extended my hand for the drive, wracking my brain for something to distract her from the fact that she was, apparently, working with some sort of social deviant.
She squinted and studied the screen. “Okay. You’re right. I think it worked.”

“Okay, so I better get going now!” Beads of sweat began to form on my upper lip. My bladder felt suddenly and inexplicably full.
She leaned in closer to the screen, pointing the cursor at each document. The little arrow slowly tracked over PERV POST. “Yep. There they are. Scan 1, and Scan 2.”

“Thanks so much. I really appreciate this.” I was nearly dancing with relief when she finally unplugged my drive and handed it back to me, a sly, knowing smile on her lips. I sprinted out the door, papers flying in my wake.
So what was the PERV POST? Well, here it is, though now it’s not nearly as funny as SCHOOL SECRETARY CONCLUDES GRANTWRITER IS ONE SICK PUPPY FROM DOCUMENT ON HER JUMP DRIVE.  Anyway, enjoy!
Blogger recently changed its interface; after my initial reaction (irate confusion), I was tickled to see that my dashboard now easily and visibly displayed the total hits each post receives. At the top of the heap was my post entitled, “I can’t believe I’m posting these pictures,” with 800 page views.
I’m interpreting this to mean that there are hundreds—if not thousands—of creepy pervs out there actually Googling “I can’t believe I’m posting these pictures” (Teehee!) in the hopes of finding a na├»ve co-ed posting some nudie pics she’ll deeply regret sharing later in life.

Anyway, these randy creepers must have been very disappointed to find photos of my pre-remodel bathroom instead of Girls Gone Wild.

Or maybe I’M the perv, since that was my first reaction…maybe all of these random site hoppers were simply hoping to find something shocking or funny or interesting or new or …

I’m pretty sure they were looking for vaginas.
(This was to be followed with a clever string of shocking “I can’t believe I’m posting these!” photos: kittens in sinks, a bowl of pears on a table, a lighthouse overlooking a serene bay.  Oh well. Now we can look forward to the number of hits I’ll get with PERV POST.)

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