Thursday, February 09, 2006

Scourge of the Mouth Stickers

The other night I was driving home from work, rockin’ out to The Postal Service, when I felt the urge to see what local radio stations were playing. Because sometimes I just want to take that much larger a step toward ear damage and deafness. Which runs in my family. Anyway, WTCX was playing “You Might Think” by The Cars. I thought, hey, catchy beat, groovy synthesizer action, nostalgia factor…let’s listen to this for awhile. I had the stereo cranked so loudly that my parking pass was actually vibrating on the rearview mirror. I was bopping along just fine until the music went dead and we arrived at the part in the song where Ric Ocasek intones, “But you kept it going…’til the sun fell down. You kept it … going.”

And I seriously gagged. Because Ric’s mouth is so dry as he says those words that you can actually hear his cottony mouth parts sticking together. You can hear tumbleweeds blow past his tonsils. And there is a bleached cowskull near his uvula. Don’t believe me? Try it on your home stereo (and if you’re really brave, your iPod), but kids, be sure to ask your parents’ permission first. It’s not Freedom Rock, but crank it up anyway, man. You too will hear Mr. Ocasek’s tacky, parched lips click and stick together as they gum-spit the words that will later haunt your dreams. It’s enough to make one wonder if he’d eaten nothing but whole milk curd, saw dust, and graham crackers for a week prior to that studio session.

You know exactly what I’m talking about, people. Yes, you do. Once in awhile you actually have to hold a conversation with a Mouth Sticker. Maybe, after a long, thirsty day of speaking and chasing stale Triscuits with cold medication, you too have enjoyed a brief stint as a Mouth Sticker. I know I have, on occasion. And each time a Mouth Sticker speaks with an acquaintance, or voices the bridge in a popular song from the eighties, he or she is overshadowed in the listener’s mind by a giant imaginary glass of cool, refreshing water.

Won’t someone please build a time machine so I can go back to 1984 and replace the bong in Ric Ocasek's hand with a jug of iced Gatorade right before that studio recording session started? How about a time-traveling mailbox so I can send him a throat lozenge?


(And just so I can keep this going 'til the sun falls down, what songs creep you out?)


  1. lololol...I DO know what you're talking about and it has ALWAYS bugged me. I am totally serious. I can't believe someone else noticed it. Too funny.

  2. Anonymous8:50 PM

    anything by Mariah Carey creeps me out. :D

  3. Anonymous12:17 AM

    Oh, yuck! Now I'm going to be thinking of this every time I hear that song. Though it has registered before, not to the extent it will now. As for creeping me out, well, I just plain hate the song "I Believe I Can Fly". Does that count?

  4. Marilyn Manson's cover of Eleanor Rigby gives me the heebie jeebies.

    But, the real question is, while you were listening to Rick's cotton mouth, did you get the sudden urge to brush your rock n' roll hair?

  5. Most anything by Kelly Osbourne creeps me out. Also, Tiny Tim (though I gotta respect the Ukelele).

  6. Anonymous8:17 AM

    Not only his cotton mouth...but the was he says "kept" is weird in that part of the has ALWAYS bothered me.


  7. How about when you're talking to somebody and they have that white, crusty crap on the corners of their mouths, like they just got out of bed and had been drooling all night long, or they drank some milk of magnesia before they went to bed, got up, didn't brush their teeth and are now having a conversation with you, and it's a Close-Talker (Seinfeld-was it Judge Reinhold?), and you can't escape because you're in a one-on-one meeting with this person discussing something you could care less about but you have to be respectful and pay attention because you are THIS PERSON'S SUBORDINATE!

    Not that this has ever actually happened to me before. I'm just sayin'.

  8. Haaaaaa! Thanks for the input guys--I have to agree on the Mariah Carey, Tiny Tim, and "I Believe I Can Fly" points, as well. And MM, this is so funny. I almost wrote about the little snowdrifts people get in the corners of their mouths, too, but that would have sent the needle on the Disgust-O-Meter off the charts for me.

    PS to Mama T: I actually got the urge to brush my rock and roll teeth and take a q-tip to my rock and roll ears...

  9. I have never noticed such a thing. I do own that song, and now I'm afraid to play it loud, in case I notice it now.

    The only singers that bug me are lispers ("I'm Not in Love," by 10cc), and people who make noises like they're having sex (Bridget Bardot and partner in "Je 'taime - Moi Non Plus").

  10. What about that Asian guy from American Idol. What's his name?

  11. Brushin' your rock n' roll teeth.

    You go with your bad self. ;)

  12. Anonymous1:47 PM

    Yeah - I feel you. I end up drinking about 5 gallons of water for them - and wiping my mouth 15,000 times... GROSSSSSSS

  13. Dan. Rather.
    Biggest Mouf Sticker evah.
    What about the spit-stringers? They get a mark on the wall of fame, just like my first-grade teacher.

  14. Anonymous2:23 PM

    Creepiest (yet awfully amusing) song of all time: "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap. My little brother and I used to become hysterical on family roadtrips when that came on the radio.

  15. MM: William Hung? Was that the guy?

    Kiki: so you must not be a Modest Mouse fan!! ;)

    Kristen: ah, the wonderful grossness of being human, huh?

    Tiff: I never noticed Rather doing that! Wow. And yes, the string phenom is something to behold.

    Alexa, you must go to this link and look at #3 (in fact, everyone should check this out):

    Now that's some creepy stuff!!!

  16. i think marilyn manson is channeling a little of ric okasec (sp?) ever notice how similar those two look? ric's love child perhaps? hmmmm.... now that's creepy.

    found your blog in a round about way and i gotta say, you're a hoot!

  17. eeewwww. eeewwww! i work with a guy like that.

    joan osborne's icky nasal romps are pretty awful...

  18. Spiderwebs and I Am Just A Girl from No Doubt....Gwen sings those songs in a pitch that just sends shivers up and down my spine - and I do not mean that in the good sense of the term.

  19. The worst album covers were too much! Great way to start my morning--forget Folgers in My Cup!
    (Speaking of irritating songs--do jingles count?)

  20. Oh my gosh. This is hilarious- and so true! You must put this post in your best stuff file!

  21. Mine's Spandeau Ballet "This much is True" God how I hate that song. This much is truuuu this much is truuuuuu. Of course, I didn't want to think about it cause I knew it would be in my head again. Shit. The damage is done.

  22. Anonymous7:47 PM

    I hear this song a lot as I'm an XM Radio '80s channel addict. It'll never sound the same again. . .

    Gloria Estefan. Creepily overrated.

  23. Anonymous11:21 PM

    I am de-lurking in such the dorkiest way, EVER. But you asked what songs are creepy, and this one just can't go un named.

    (Here's the dorky part, brace yourselves) I was at a Neil Diamond concert with my mother in law (gah!) and Neil has this woman hold up her INFANT daughter. Then he sings, "Girl, you'll be a woman soon" TO THE BABY. It was so icky. THe lyrics are something like, grow up so I can be your man already. ICK ICK ICK. He should have been locked up for that, not applauded.

  24. Ewww! LOL! Yeah, I'd kill for a time machine too. There are several situations that I'd like to tweak. :-) As for creeping me out, I hate when I'm speaking with people who are completely oblivious to the fact that have rabid halitosis. YUK!


  25. Ha! I always thought his mouth-stickiness was a little gross, too. ANd anytime I hear a dry-mouthed interviewee on NPR I get very uncomfortable because I feel like maybe they're just terrified or something.

    What's creepier than that song, "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon?" just like you said, holymama. Run, girl, run! And I must say that "Brandy" pretty much sucks, too.

  26. Anonymous10:06 PM

    Song I've been creeped out by: Every Breath You Take by The Police. Hello, Stalk much? (ok, I know the previous sentence sounded like I was 14, but in my defense I was 14 when the song came out and that was pretty much my reaction to it)