Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Bake it Like a Polaroid Picture

This weekend I caught Betty Crocker fever. It differs from the Fever for the Flavor for a Pringle only in this: you must create—through a highly scientific combination of flavorful ingredients and careful, timed heat application—the calorie-dense morsels you crave.

Anyway, welcome to my holiday baking post. I call it “Scones, scones, scones, scones, SCONES!” (sung to the melody of Sisqo’s “Thong, tha-thong-tha-THONG!”)

I even have photographic evidence that I was Martha Stewarting it all over the kitchen. Behold, MY SCONES!

No, these are not triangular omelettes. They are freshly baked orange cranberry scones, recipe courtesy of Starbucks.

Cherry Cream, right from the oven. Yes, the cherries look like lesions. But I can assure you--they most certainly do not taste like lesions.

(Chocolate-almond in Extreme Close-up Mode. Four eggs, people. And whole cream.)

(Lemon-Poppyseed. And please, get your m ind out of the gutter. That's ICING.
Note two missing scones with icing-like chalk outline. This serves to indicate deliciousness. And mayhem.)

The Cajones of these Scones. Full of calcium, good for bones! My favorite Monkee? Davy Jones!

(God help me, the rhyming! I can’t turn it off!!)

Lest you believe this baking frenzy was the result of a head injury resulting from a smash to the face with a metal folding chair sustained via my new weekend hobby of amateur cage wrestling*, I should fess up that not only were these bastards easy to make (easier than cookies? Yes, loyal and clever reader, easier than cookies. Way.), but they are also gifts.

(Hey, officemates reading this: Guess what you’re getting!!!)

I’m happy to share recipes with anyone interested. But if you ask my taste buds, the almond-chocolate chip and cherry cream scones would win first prize in a Best Path to Large Hips competition.

And finally, for those of you curious about that mysterious Tom & Jerry beverage I invoked last week, here’s photographic evidence that I wasn’t messing with you (though I also find that to be mighty enjoyable).

Here it is!!! The legendary plastic tub of ...

... frozen egg goo!!! Note the critical ingredient I finally caved in and purchased, in the assist.
No, it's not the bag of C & H sugar. That asshole totally snuck into the shot.

And here you have it. The Tom and Jerry winter beverage, seconds before being sent on its merry way to my lower intestines.
Yes, that is freshly grated nutmeg because I'm kind of controlling about these kinds of things.
Thus, mealtime with my Children of Christmas Future should be fun and trouble-free.
Don't you think the five eggs add a nice, festive touch?

This is probably going to be my last post until after Christmas, since I’ll be strapping myself into a fun ride called Three Days of Celebrating with Friends and Family. So until next time, happy holiday of choice!

PS to my dear scone recipients: should you find a dog hair, or curly longish brown hair in your scone, I accept full and complete responsibility. That shit can happen when you bake without a hair net and your dog looks like a mop and sheds like a late-spring dandelion.

* An intentional entry in my quest to write the sentence containing the most prepositional phrases.


  1. I knew you weren't misrepresent'n about the Tom and Jerrys. God my parents used to always have that stuff around for the holidays. You totally took me back with that. What about Brandy slush? Last time we were home my aunt made some and Husband liked them so much he got the recipe and made up a HUGE tub which he nursed for months.

    Delicious looking scones. I snorted at the icing comment.

  2. "This is probably going to be my last post until after Christmas"...
    Considering all the eggs and heavy cream, this may also be your last POOP until after Christmas. Keep us updated!

  3. Anonymous11:35 PM

    So that's why I haven't been pooping. Too many eggs and too much heavy cream. Thanks Mignon!

    Jess, please send recipes. I have an unholy love of scones.

  4. Only in your blog, the topic turns to pooping! LOL!

    The goodies look delicious. Thanks for the laughs and enjoy your three-day "fun ride".

  5. Anonymous7:38 AM

    Your scones look delicious! WHo needs to poop when they're filled with The SPirit of The Season? And apparently, who needs to capitilize correctly (me)?
    Merry Christmas!

  6. Anonymous8:39 AM

    Mmm those look delicious!!!

    Merry Christmas!

  7. *drool*

    I must have the recipes. I. Must. Have. Them. But I'll add a little something different to mine - black and yellow labrador retriever fur. Mmm mmm tasy.

    Merry Christmas!

  8. Anonymous12:31 PM

    those are the most delicious looking lesions I've ever seen in my life, riley. :D

    I've never had a scone. can ya believe that shit?

  9. I'd like to be on your scone mailing list please. ;)

    Have a great holiday Jess! Enjoy the friends, the family, that egg-goo drink, and hopefully something nice underneath the tree!

  10. Rather than the thong song I was thinking of....

    Spam spam spam spam SPAM!

  11. My cholesterol went up 50 points just looking at that picture of those chocolate-almond scones!


    "should you find a dog hair, or curly longish brown hair in your scone"

    Good grief, for a second there I thought you were going to tell us you were baking nekkid!

  12. Anonymous4:31 PM

    I have never made a scone before. I am completely humbled by your baking artistry (bakistry?). Have a very Merry Holiday and enjoy the time with your family.

  13. I'm tempted by the orange cranberry scones...ymmmm.

  14. Sweet baby Jesus, those look heavenly. Can I have the recipes?

  15. Anonymous7:29 PM

    I'd love one of your Lesions Scones right now. You've got mad rhyming skillz, yo.
    Davy is my favorite Monkee, too.

  16. Am I missing something here? I do not like scones. I actually hate them. To me they taste like papier mache. I will not touch one after trying a few and just dry heaving dust.

    Are yours dry or do I just like as much fat as possible in my bakery goods? (I think we all know the anwser to that)

  17. Anonymous12:54 AM

    I'm impressed. My scones are generally more "horse glue" than "edible." I have the pictures to prove it.

  18. Anonymous7:35 AM

    Curly brown hairs in your scones tonight,
    Brandy in your Christmas goo,
    Even though it's been said, many times,
    many ways,
    Merry Christmas, to youuuuu!

    I love it here. I wheezed out loud.

    Oh, and hook me up with the recipes too! I could use some easy. Please...ey.

  19. Very impressive. Looks great.

  20. Anonymous1:58 PM

    Your scones look scrumptious... especially the hip-enlarging varieties.

    How can I get on your Christmas list?

  21. Cajones of scones! Scajones! I love it.

  22. Anonymous7:56 PM

    Just stoppin by to say Hi. And, Wow. You really went to town! LOL. Enjoy the Season=:)

  23. oooh, need recipe quick quick. It's Ok to get fat at Christmas time, right? My sister sends FROSTED biscotti that send me into a swoon. I break them in fourths saying I'll just have the end of one, and then wind up eating the whole thing anyway. To think I used to make biscotti every couple of weeks. Why are all the best things so bad for you?

  24. Baking Freaking Frenzy! Stopping by to wish you and J a Merry C!

  25. Oh, and also wanted to say, after that hair disclosure, I'm kind of glad I'm not one of your 'dear scone recipients!'

  26. Anonymous6:41 PM

    What a coincidence! I just had my first cranberry orange scone at Starbuck's this morning. It was delicious.

  27. Hair or no hair, I'm impressed! Merry Christmas, my talented friend!

  28. even though i'm stuffed to the gills (wherever they are) and beyond with itty bits of christmas deliciousness, your scones are still tempting me from afar ...

  29. Anonymous11:20 AM

    Merry Christmas... those scones look yummy!

  30. Anonymous10:27 AM

    Ok those look divine. Why can't we be office mates? WHY!

  31. Anonymous9:41 AM

    I did find myself baking a scratch cake (is there any other kind?)on the evening of the 23rd, but I pretty much stayed away from the baking traditions this year. I feel positively awful and guilty about it...really. But I love reading about it when other people do it.

  32. Anonymous2:08 PM

    Mmmm...those scones look delicious.

    P.S. We have really hairy pets too!

  33. These scones do look fantastic. I also love the title of this post very much. One question for you though, how do you personally pronounce the word "scone"?

  34. Oh my - "curly brown hairs in my cherry scone" simply SCREAMS song title.

    Hope the holiday was faboo and that your scones were hairfree and adored by all.

  35. Anonymous6:58 AM

    I've consumed a 1000 calories just reading this post. Have the happiest of new years