Wednesday, August 12, 2009

On All That is Good and Holy, I Swear This is True

Yesterday our neighbor pulled up in his van to chat with J while he mowed our front lawn. This is the neighbor whose family threw me into a panic after they moved into the house across our street, because:
  • Even though the father is in a wheelchair (excuse me: souped-up Hover-round), he and his teenage children regularly have very public, violent, expletive-laced fights on their deck. Lawn chairs fly into the air. Things are shouted--horrible things--that would burn my grandmother's ear drums and make Deepak Chopra slip into a catatonic state.
  • They are always sitting outside on their deck, welcoming a parade of strangers into their yard. Caseworkers? Bible study folks? Drug dealers? N'er do wells? Yes. All of the above, I suspect.
  • The father told us he 'sketches our house' from his deck.
  • Their 16 year-old daughter, who doesn't even know my name, stopped by to invite me to a "Passion Party." The mom nearly threw rocks at me when I declined to come over for a Mary Kay party.
  • They put a floppy green snow fence up around their new pool.
  • All the kids and their friends ride Dad's Hover-round through the streets, sometimes pulling one another on wheeled office chairs, sometimes holding a shovel in front to plow a sidewalk.
  • They have three or four dogs who live on their deck and Never. Stop. Barking. They are wild, unruly mongrels, the Bumpus hounds reincarnate, full of diarrhea and bad manners.
  • The city police, fire department, and/or EMTs are in the neighborhood? Guess whose house.
Here is the conversation between Neighbor and J last evening:

J: "Haven't seen you around much lately!"

Neighbor: "Yeah! I've been in the hospital for the last month. My colostomy bag got caught on something, yanked my catheter, and ripped my penis in half!"

J: *blink* "That had to hurt."

Neighbor: "Good thing I can't feel nothing down there, huh?"


  1. OMG!!! I can see why you had to swear that this was true! What a freak show you have in your neighborhood!! Yikes!

  2. Good Lord, do you live next door to my Father?

  3. This post should be expanded into an entire book. Period.

  4. OMG! TMI! TMI!

    I'm cringing for you!

    This is why I don't talk to my neighbors.

  5. At least you can be confident that you're not "those neighbors" that everyone on the block talks about, I guess. Every neighborhood has "those neighbors", and it is one of my life goals to never be them.

  6. Ha! Ha! Oh wow. That's funny stuff. You totally have to use that in a book.

  7. I don't have a penis, but could feel the pain -- even, if your neighbor couldn't.

    Did J have empathy pain?

  8. You can never move. You'll never get material this good anywhere else.

  9. HAHAHA!!! That reminds of some horror stories that the doctor told when we had our son circumsized. Hilarious!

  10. They say we can't pick our relatives and unfortunately we usually can't pick our neighbors either. Submit cute or funny photos and tell friends to vote for them. No entry fee.

  11. LOL! Wow. Didn't expect to hear that!

  12. Anonymous6:09 PM

    I seriously LOL'd! No one could make something like that up!

  13. I think those are the very same hillbillys who live down the street from US! The ones who still have the glowing plastic Nativity, complete with gingerbread boy, proudly displayed in their front yard.

  14. Anonymous7:26 AM

    Still laughing so hard. Oh my gosh! What a neighbor.
    And this reminds me of my first Passion Party invitation. It was around Easter and honest to God I thought it was going to be little knick-knacks like bunnies and eggs and chicks. Well!

  15. I just wanted to say, "free entertainment!".

  16. Hi! I'm here visiting from Swishy's blog and this is too funny! I wanna live across the street from those people!!!! and come on, ya gotta admit....the thing with the shovel to plow the sidewalk? GENIUS!!!!

  17. Oh Jesus Christ!