Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Does Grandma Read my Blog?

Last week I discussed my Easter plans, which involve drinking with my elderly relatives to celebrate clearing a major grant hurdle at work. Then, wouldn’t you know it? My Grandma, who has called me on the phone perhaps a grand total of five times in my life, called on Sunday to ask if I could bring something to the family Easter potluck. Spring-like dishes flashed before my eyes: a lovely salad of wild greens and a zippy vinaigrette, a light pasta salad with maybe some artichoke hearts and black olives, a tangy bruschetta appetizer with fresh basil …

Grandma didn’t miss a beat. “How about a nice bottle of wine?”

HA! My grandmother rules. Did I call it or what?

Here’s something else: We got our latest bill from the contractor. Would you believe me if I told you the invoice was number 666? Well, it really was.

I guess this means it’s time to move if the walls start seeping black ectoplasm, or I wake up to Jason sucking helium and shouting RedRum, RedRum! in the mirror, inching his index finger.

My mind is still too grant-addled to write much, having just stumbled over the finish line for a 22-page, single-spaced proposal (and gearing up to create an additional fifty pages of attachments). But how about some nice pictures?

Oh, and PS, special message to the Wisconsin Weather: It is now officially spring. So please quit with the freezing temps already. Hello, have you not seen the robins on local lawns? Have you not realized my seedlings are threatening to leap from their pots and overtake the house, strangling me in my sleep with their light-starved tendrils?

We attack before dawn...

So quiet...

Peppers: "We're watching you, Plant Lady."
Mexican Sunflower:
"Do you see how large our leaves have become?
Do you see how perfect for smothering a mouth, muffling any ... screams?"

Squirrel living in the box elder on our front lawn: "I'm watching you too.
And I'm maniacally rubbing my leetle paws together in creepy-style. Trust me."

Daisy: "I just want some pizza. Can I have some pizza? I love pepperoni. And walks. Hey, can I have that last bite of pizza? How about just one pepperoni? Look, I'm turning orange I want it so badly. Please? Just one crumb of pizzaaaa pleeeeeeeeze?????!!!"

Daisy is wearing a prosthetic voicebox due to an unfortunate puppyhood spent smoking Camel Straights. Kids, let this be a lesson to you.

(It's really a bark collar, but one that sprays compressed air. And this sucker works, when we feel unguilty enough to actually leave the albatross around her neck.)


  1. I LOVE being the first
    commenter and it's so rare that this happens I just have to do a little *woo-hoo* here!!

    Great snapshots; adorable dog
    All of my grandparents have
    passed on. Lucky you to have
    your Grandma in your world :))
    Happy Easter!

  2. Sooo funny about your Grandma!

    The weather is schizo here. Two days ago I had the air conditioning on; tonight I have the heat on. Good times!

  3. your Grandma sounds a lot like my husband's...always a riot.

    ...I woke up this morning with a dusting of snow on the ground...sucky "spring" weather here too.

    Happy Easter!

  4. Grandma gochta! I hope you granted Daisy's wish. She's adorable - you must show her off more.

    You must be dying to get outside and put those poor plants in the some soil. When will it ever end????

    Our temps dropped 40 degrees in 12 hours. We will have a sub-freezing Easter weekend. Lovely.

  5. Look, I'm turning orange I want it so badly.

    God, this was funny.

  6. Do you have a medicinal need for those plants? ha.

  7. Anonymous10:05 AM

    I pictured Daisy more of a Virginia Slims kind of dog....

    My husband's grandmother used to love her bourbon. The doctor told her she had to lay off the "brown stuff." She switched to vodka. HA!

  8. Whatever you do, DON'T play "Little Shop of Horrors" anywhere in the range of those plants!

  9. Hmmmmmmm, a bark collar. I know so many people I could use that on.

  10. Well, don't feel's turned off really cold here too. It was 38 this morning, fer crying out loud! Usually by this time of year we are wearing shorts.

    My Grandma was a liquor loving woman too. I remember her drinking Manhattans, and years later when I ordered one in a bar, wondering what the heck Grandma liked so much about them. I realized those suckers are pure alchohol. Gotta love an old lady who an hold her liquor!

  11. 1. I love your grandma.

    2. We're having the same frigid temperatures (and snow!) around here, too. Screw you Spring.

    3. Both of my dogs have a citronella collar. I heart those damn collars.

  12. Anonymous8:11 PM

    I'll turn orange and beg if that's what it will take for it to quit freaking snowing around my place.

    It's spring break and I can't chase the kids outside because they are pansies and don't want to get cold...

    I'm beginning to think MotherNature hates me.

  13. I didn't know you were such a green thumb! Cool!
    I want to come to your house for Easter dinner. Sounds like you are going to have a good time.

  14. From here on forward I'm going to start referring to more things as "zippy."

  15. Anonymous10:51 PM

    I turn orange when I want pizza too. Must be all those Camels. Who knew?

  16. Anonymous12:05 PM

    At least it's occasionally supposed to be cold in Wisconsin. It's downright frigid in Texas right now and That Ain't Right.

    How awesome you have a granny you can party with. The most fun I ever had at my grandma's house was trying to help her find things she'd set down 'somewhere' and couldn't find again.

  17. Anonymous9:21 AM

    I don't norammly feel bad for professional athletes, but b/n The Masters weather being in the low 40s for most of it (in Augusta, GA) and a baseball game played in a freak white out (Seattle, I think), this weather is ridiculous for April. REE-DIC-U-LOUS!!

    Love your plants - and their evil plans.

  18. hmmm...

    I haven't a clue what to say.

    So, I remain silent. Waiting. Hoping for some pepperoni pizza as well.

  19. Anonymous6:02 PM

    Poor Daisy! Doesn't she know that dogs should never listen to camels when they say it's okay to smoke?

  20. Can I have some pizza too? If not, can I hang out with your grandma?

  21. Anonymous3:16 PM

    I think your dog's been hanging out with Julia's doll too much. I knew she was a bad influence...

  22. Give that baby some pizza!

  23. Anonymous6:39 AM

    Compressed air bark collars... hmmmm... I wonder if there are applications for babies ;o)

  24. Your seedlings look very nice :)