Tuesday, October 02, 2007

To the grubby-fingered, thoughtless jerk who stole three cases of my CDs last week:

First, I must say that I am partly to blame for the music-free situation I am now in. My garage door was unlocked. My car door was unlocked. I all but spraypainted my driveway with “Thieves Welcome!” I had practically arranged my mums and mini-pumpkins in a hieroglyphic with an unmistakable message: “Na├»ve rube lives here!”

And with such obvious invitation, the opportunity to steal a collection of fairly mundane CDs from a woman who uses Oil of Olay and hasn’t purchased an impractical pair of shoes since 2001 was just too hard to pass up. I get it, truly. You saw the birdfeeders in the yard and the muddy gardening clogs near the back door and what other thought could you have had than, “Wow, a really cool person must live here! I’m SURE she listens to Master P and Obi Trice. C’mon, let’s rummage through the glove box!”

So now it’s good-bye Modest Mouse--may you float on well. Farewell Death Cab for Cutie; I’m afraid I won’t be following you into the light. Adios all three Radiohead discs, including the so-aptly titled, Hail to the Thief. Adieu Aimee Mann, Keane, Wilco’s Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, Weezer, Kings of Leon, Coldplay, White Stripes, Madonna, Men at Work, Tears for Fears, Eagles Greatest Hits, Perfect Circle, John Lennon, Moby, ELO, Incubus, Perfect Circle, so many, many dozens of others…

But hey, Kleptomania Karl? Here’s what I don’t get. Will you sing along with John Denver’s "Calypso" on a buoyant Sunday afternoon? Will you groove out to Steely Dan and Willie Nelson during a basement sock hop with your friends? Will you blast The Indigo Girls while doing pushups in your bedroom? Will you swoon to the smooth, operatic stylings of Jeff Buckley when you’re home with your little punk friends watching Ultimate Fighting Champion on Homecoming night? On Fridays after work, when you want to let you hair down after a long week, will you pop in Duran Duran or ABBA and do a little car-dancing? Oh wait. You don’t work. What am I thinking?

My only consolation is that my most treasured CDs were indoors, safely nestled next to my computer: all three Trampled by Turtles discs, Sufjan Stevens, Muse, Andrew Bird, Feist, The Shins, Guster, and Wilco’s newest. (Shhhh my babies, mamma will protect you from the grubby-fingered little thief...)

I guess now I’ll have to step into the 21st century and get an iPod or satellite radio.

In totally unrelated news, they ARE changing the title of my novel after all. Farewell, Riding with Larry Resnick. Hello, Driving Sideways. (Named for an Aimee Mann song and indicative of the non-linear journey of the characters.) This is it folks. My masthead will change next week. No ifs, ands, or buts. No BS. No take-backs. I'm throwing Larry a going-away party this weekend.

Also, I’m at The Debs this Friday dishing about secrets.


  1. I have great hatred for thieves. And I'm really sorry about your CDs.

    I like the new title though.

  2. Anonymous1:48 AM

    He probably just took them to a store for credit. Or sold them on a street corner or at Amazon.

    People can suck hard, can't they?

  3. What a jerk.
    Do you need some new music? I'm cheerfully make you a mixed cd this weekend.... lemme know.

  4. Oh man. That sucks. What an ass.

    Like the new title, though! Are you cool with it?

  5. That happened to me years ago, except it was tapes not CDs. I felt violated. The little sh*t.

    I like the new title too. The thief didn't get a copy of an Aimee Mann CD too, did he?

  6. Anonymous8:55 AM

    Dude, iTunes. Definitely.

    And I totally car-dance to Duran Duran and Abba.

    Speaking of Duran Duran--they are performing on Broadway tonight, at some famous theater. New album next month.

  7. Jeff Buckley! I love him!

    So sad for you about your stolen cds. That sucks.

  8. Not only do I love Aimee Mann, but I love the new title!

    Sorry about the CDs.

  9. Ouch! I was reading along and thinking, "At least she probably had them on her ipod." Uh oh. Well the good news is if you go to your local used CD store you can probably buy 'em all back. Then you can have them dusted for fingerprints.

  10. Anonymous12:26 PM

    Poor little CDs adrift in a flea market stall and longing for home. Boo Thief.
    In consideration of The Great Mofo Delurk today, I am sending this little comment your way. I enjoy reading your blog regularly and look forward to every new post.

  11. So sorry to hear about your loss...but your description of it made me laugh harder than anything I've seen all week :)

    I LOVE the new title.

  12. Yeah, the closest pawn shops and used CD stores probably have your cds. Sucks though. I hate it when I don't have my music.

  13. While I mourn for your loss, I must say I love your taste in music!

    I love the new title!

  14. Be glad they didn't steal the CAR. Still sucks though. What is wrong with people?!

    Good-bye Larry!

  15. J-Love the new title! And I'm so excited to read it...I just read a review somewhere online from somewho who read an ARC (gee, could that be more ambiguious) who said it was her favorite thing she'd read in recent memory! Hurrah!

  16. I feel for you. Somebody stole my daughter's Ipod today and she's beside herself.

  17. at least they had good taste in music.

  18. Well, I like to OLD title better. Hrmph.

    I got nothin' to say 'bout dat dere thief, except that whoever took your music should go deaf right now.

  19. That same thing just happened to my neighbor a month ago. The day after it happened I went out and bought my first-ever deadbolt for my garage.

    I guess the days of innocence are over :-(

  20. No matter how naive the rube--just tain't right for someone to steal your CDs. You had some oldies but goodies in that bunch.
    Glad the good ones are safe inside, next to mamma.
    Interesting that the publishing folks changed YOUR novel title! I liked the sound of RIDING with LARRY RESNICK. Caused me to ponder--who is Larry Resnick? and who rides with him? and why?

  21. Sorry about the CDs. I had someone wander into my old office at lunch and take a binder of CDS--in broad daylight. Weirdness. Oh well, meth-freaks are people too.

    I dig the new title.

  22. Hey Jess - I love the sound of a trade, but I don't have your email address. You can email me at beckfrogandtoad (at) gmail.com

  23. That just really sucks! We don't ever lock our car. We are so far out in the boonies thieves could just throw a brick in the window and nobody would notice.
    At least now I know you have good taste in music. Very eclectic like mine.

  24. Name change or not, it's a book for me. I can't wait!

    Thieves! I hate them. My first car (belonging to my parents when I was a teen) was stolen TWICE in daylight hours. I've had dreams of stolen cars since it happened - some of them recent and very unsettling.

  25. hey if they took my CDs they'd get the four seasons
    I really love the new title though...

  26. Anonymous6:40 PM

    Love Aimee Mann. And with the exception of Madonna and ABBA, we have all the same CDs.

    So... that being said, let me know if you'd like copies of anything.

  27. Ugh I'm so sorry - that sucks big time. Although miraculously, he didn't steal your wit along with the CDs. I'm impressed that you can make this so interesting. Me, I'd just be like YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK.

    (And I love the title. I bet it grows on you.)

  28. Like the new title a lot - and I love Aimee Mann. (What ever happened to her?) Why do people have to steal?

  29. Anonymous5:37 PM

    That sh*t happened to me about a year ago. Now when I buy a CD I make a copy for my car and keep the original at home. A little annoying but at least I won't have to remember what I had in the stolen cd case if it ever happens again.

  30. Anonymous3:36 PM

    you're better off without that music, anyway.