Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Cover and a Contest

First, it’s time for the Unveiling of The Cover. Here it is, kids, hot off the press, from my grubby little mouse-clicking hands to your round little eyeballs! I smile every time I see it.

That cover quote is from the amazing, sharply witty Jen Lancaster, author of Bitter is the New Black and Bright Lights, Big Ass. Here’s the full text:

"Jess Riley's writing grabbed me in the very first paragraph with a Bay City Rollers reference and never let me go. Driving Sideways is a hopeful and hilarious debut and Jess Riley may well be my new favorite author."

*sigh* I love that woman. (Thank you, Jen!!!)

Also, it’s time for a contest. What kind of contest, you ask? Let’s see if you can guess. Is it:

a) a salami eating contest?
b) an eighties dance-off?
c) a staring contest?
d) Name that Inmate?

If you guessed ‘D,’ you’re correct! I’m nearing the finish line for the next novel, but I am still in need of three MALE inmate names. Yes, inmate as in ‘sentenced-to-a-medium-security-men’s-penitentiary inmate. (Trust me, it’s HILARIOUS. As in ‘Laughing with me, not at me,’ but probably at me in some cases, or maybe not laughing at all because you can’t please all the people all the time, and you can rest assured you’ll annoy at least one person in any large group, and I’m still coming to terms with this, it’s a daily struggle, really.)

So give me your best, most creative inmate name ideas! If I use them (and my publisher, uh, likes the next book enough to offer a contract), I’ll thank you in the acknowledgments and send you an advanced readers edition.

I’m going to wrap things up with a classy non-book item. From Statcounter. A Google search that led one unsuspecting individual to this site. What was he or she looking for? Why, it’s a:

"Gag gift for hemroid surgery"

Isn’t ‘hemroid’ surgery itself enough of a gag gift? What gift could possibly say, “Because your inflamed anus, so inflamed as to require surgical attention, wasn’t humiliating enough”?

If you can’t think of any inmate names, maybe you could help me out by answering THAT little question. Because truly, it has me scratching my head.


  1. Love the cover!!

    My entry for one of the inmate names is Lou Kilgore.

  2. I love the cover too! Wish my feet were that pretty in flip flops...

    Here's my entry for the inmate names:

    Todd (T-Bone) Lewis. Ok, you can leave the T-Bone out if you want. :)

    I love seeing what people search for to land on my blog too. But wow - hemorrhoid gag gift. funny.

  3. Lance Tenor

    Jermaine O'Leary

    Toby Siznano

    Goodness, I could go on...

  4. Now that's one snappy cover! I like, I like! :-)

  5. Anonymous7:44 PM

    I'd buy that book with the snazzy cover! I certainly hope that at least one of the three convicts is named John Wayne since it's a fact that the surest way to raise a child to end up in prison is to name him John Wayne. How does John Wayne Rabinowitz grab you?

  6. Your book looks AMAZING! Congratulations!!!
    You can check out REAL inmates right here. Some of their names sound rather penal-y.

  7. Congratulations on having a cover!!! That's so way freaking cool!!!

    So, if he's an inmate for something horrendous then I suppose he must need to have all 3 names then huh?
    How about Jeff Alan Lee.

    No, wait...

  8. Jess, I absolutely LOVE
    this cover! You lucky girl.
    Can't wait to see it out in print.

    (The protagonist of my next novel tells his story from a prison cell so I'm all used up when it comes to naming inmates -- sorry :)

  9. The cover is TERRIFIC.

    Let's see.

    Ray Thompson
    Billy Kentner
    Sean Madigan

  10. Anthony Brown...called Tony. Only because that's my real cousin, and he's an inmate. So the name comes to me...

    but if you use it, don't thank me, just in case the family thought I thought it was funny that my cousin is in prison, OK? ;)

  11. I have no business being, but I am super proud of you. May I suggest "Chuck Keye" as an inmate's name?

  12. Congratulations, Jess!

    Fabulous cover-- I'm looking forward to checking out the rest of the book when it hits the shelves.

    Can you tell us the age of your inmate and what he did? (Unless that's too much of a spoiler)

  13. LOVE the cover! Congrats!

    Inmate's name:

    Brodrick "Beefy" Baker

  14. Hi Jess!

    First - congrats on the book!

    Second, I just stumbled in here because I just got "taken Advanage" by I quite possibly think the same exact dude that visited you. (I'm talking about your June 2007 post about your new cleaning product)

    So... yes - I'm $37 poorer from the bottle. I'm just asking what you think of the damn stuff now that you've had it for awhile.


  15. oh...and for the inmate name, how about "Dante"

    And for the hemorrhoid about a gift certificate for snow cones.

  16. ANd what's even funnier is that hemorrhoid wasn't even spelled correctly in that google search, yet you found one another!

    OK, I have got to come up with some sleezy inmate names...

    Sly Henkerschmidt

    Hank Jones

    Isaiah Benderver

    The Wedge

    Thrift Menace

    Jenson Killyamuch

    Dirk Diggler

    That's all I got right now.

    Oh wait! THis is just too much fun...

    Butch Beadashitouttaya

    The Slaymaster

    Utwon Thesbon

  17. that is wonderful!!! it's finally here - coming to a barnes and noble near you! i'll be first in line to meet you - that is if you come to OK.

    lucky "strike" deason (get it - he's not so lucky?)

    rex or rufus johnson (he's in the pen for aggravated assault)

    max jay b*** (wait, that would be my criminal father...)

    and the hits keep coming.....

  18. OK, now I think I wanna stay up all night and come up with more names...

    Neil Yahver

    Robert Downey Jr.

    Nick Nolte

    Paris Hilton

    Paxton Hill


    or how about:

    Yeco Tyz (that's my word verification!)

    OK, I'll stop.

  19. I really like the new cover and look forward to reading your book. Now for names:
    Rick "The Rectum" Recombantski
    Hank Harrianus
    P. Doody
    Sal Suppository
    Wait, they don't have to have anything to do with Hemorrhoids, damn!
    How about:
    Randy North or
    Antone "Lips" Lipman

  20. OK, the cover? It ROCKS! I love it. I know we're not supposed to judge a book by the cover, but how could you walk into Barnes & Noble and NOT fall in love with this book? I dare you to say anything to disagree with me. I can't wait. I'll be first in line and I'll buy one for all of my friends. So fun.

    OK, inmate names? Well, you of course know that they have to be three names. For instance:

    Beauford Lee Festus
    Billy Don Lowacker
    Mitchell Peas Smith (nickname "Chick")

    That's it. That's the list. I trust you'll come up with something brilliant, which you always do.

    Oh and if there's a place where we could sign up to purchase an autographed copy of the book, well, I'd much appreciate being directed there. Danke.

    *Waving hello upwards from the Brew City.*

  21. I am loving the name suggestions! Keep 'em coming.

    (for Norman: the jury is still out on 'Advanage.' I'm already sick of the smell!)

  22. love the book cover!

    for inmate names i vote for:

    Vinny Mariano

    Louis "Biggie" Bigstrom

    Carl Washington

  23. Well, Jess, I'm scratching my head right now, too...hmmmm.

    I love that cover!!!!! It's eye-catching and I can't wait to have it in my hands and on my nightstand!

  24. FAB cover and quote!!! Man do I love it when they get it right.

    I'll bet you're glad that your question about the web search has left you scratching only your head...

    Inmate names:

    Clem Krog
    Randy Mlekush
    Devon DeFriese

  25. Love that cover! Can't wait to read it.

    Inmate names:

    Wess Paul Tucker
    Les Johnson (Real name - Leslie. Love the idea of a con with a female name)
    Carr Calhoun (Ditto - his real name is Carrol. Technically a man's name though. Poor guy is really confused.)
    Jimmy Ryan
    Lincoln Washington Kennedy

    Ooh, this is too much fun.

  26. Archibald Fengletrus

    Wentworth "Bucky" LaCoste

    Eamon Drew Sinezure

    Robert "Fett" Afett (Bob Afett? Boba Fett? Get it? No? *sigh*)

    Dwayne Reid (yes, it's the name of a pharmacy chain in NYC!)

    "Cap" Lachrymose

    This is kind of fun.

  27. Oooh oooh oooh! Fun!

    Rusty Culpepper

    Frank Tabouli

    Gary Merflin

    Edgar Protman

    Templeton Rublent

    Herschel Peckinpaw

    Tate Redman

    August Pembleton

    Hugh Paglet

    Or just mix and max as you see fit.

  28. LOVE your cover!!!!

    Inmate names: it's medium security, so these aren't super hardened criminals, right? Perhaps they should have regular guy names. Maybe mix up the names from the Brat Pack of the 1980's

    Rob Lowe + Jud Nelson = Rob Nelson, Jud Lowe! You could throw in Emilio for some flair.

  29. Anonymous8:41 PM

    Love the cover, Can't wait to read the book.

    You can use the names I did NOT use for my son. My mother didn't like either one of them. Huh.

    Brock Lee
    Justin Case

    I had a few others but I don't remember them. I'll be sure to let you know if I do. Leaving you in breathless anticipation....

  30. DANI!!! Your names CRACK ME UP because my sister in law once dated a guy named Justin, and we always, always called him Justin Case... and that's not all... she is now married to a LEE, and we have always joked that she could never name a son BROCK!!!

    What a world! Wow.

  31. Anonymous9:52 PM

    Here are a couple of old college party alias names that might work for your inmates:
    Armand Pitts (call him Arm for short)

    Richard Stroker ( everyone caled him Dick)

  32. Love the cover!! Can't wait for the book to come out. Please tell me you will be coming to Houston for a signing party.

  33. Anonymous9:37 AM

    The Bay City Rollers? I know I'm going to love it!

    Great cover. I especially like the part that has your name on it.

  34. Here's one for you, Jess:
    Harry Paratestes.

  35. Anonymous6:57 PM

    Best inmate name EVER. Lenny Lloyd Galvin (you could use any last name, it's the Lenny Lloyd that is fun to say). Childhood nickname "Lenny Lloyd Hemorrhoid" probably led him to his life of crime.