Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Well, They're Not Letters to Santa...

Dear WTCX: Poison’s “Unskinny Bop” is not a song. It is a handful of knitting needles perforating my eardrums UNTIL THEY BLEED.

Dear Family Member Who Shall Remain Nameless: I love you, but I’m sorry, this year the obscure penny that costs NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS will not be under the tree.

Dear elderly woman walking out of Copps with a sad little Walgreens bag over the cast on her left foot: Aww!! You kind of broke my heart, just a bit, with your scrappy ingenuity.

Dear 1938 version of A Christmas Carol: you never fail to crack me up when over-eager Tiny Tim has this to say about the shiny, plump Christmas goose: “I’d like to stroke it!!!”

Dear drivers on the commute home: Why are you braking. Why are you braking?! WHY ARE YOU BRAKING!?!?!?!!?!?!

Dear Maddie: that adorable nephew of mine can prank call me anytime he wants.

Dear highly attractive salesman in the Verizon mall kiosk: I saw you digging that pinkie finger in your left ear, and I saw you smell it immediately afterwards. You’re not fooling anyone in that suit, Mister Hot-n-Disgusting.

Dear “Bags” arcade game at a certain tavern in northern Wisconsin: I give up—how does one play a virtual game of beanbags? I suppose it helps to be drunk on battery acid and lighter fluid, but…virtual beanbags? Does anyone play this? Does anyone really say to his friends, “Hey, how about a rousing game of BAGS?” (For future reference, the correct answer to this question is, “Hey, how would you like to be shoved down a flight of stairs in a pair of burning rollerskates?”)

Dear stack of still-unwritten Christmas cards on my kitchen table: You’re a pain in the ass I’ve been putting off for weeks, but without you, how would I have discovered this old gem among my address labels?

This is the top of my note, left on the counter one morning
to indicate my desire that Mr. Riley eat a slightly overripe banana (to which the arrow points).

Mr. Riley's response, at the bottom of the note. The banana was not eaten.

PS: The recipe for the Chocolate Peppermint Pinwheel Cookies can be found at the Food Network website. Yes, they are worth the effort. All hail the mighty Alton Brown!!!

I’m at the Debs this Friday writing about my number one hero. And no, it isn’t Ferris Bueller.


  1. Not that the banana was a stretch to coincide with the penana but I love that you could have left a chocolate cake, lobster, a Kansas City Ribeye, or a blanket and his response would have been the same because men are so...so...imaginative. Yes, imaginative.

  2. LOL! I love your letters-not-to-Santa!

  3. Anonymous1:58 PM

    I hope Mr. Riley doesn't look like that. Just saying.

    How did you know that I've been contemplating Alton's cookie and didn't know if it was worth the effort?! So glad they are.


  4. haha love mr. riley!!

    and i just had a squee!! moment myself when you commented on my blog. seriously.

  5. Anonymous4:11 PM

    I was in the pool!!!

  6. Too funny! And now, I'm thinking maybe I'll make chocolate peppermint pinwheel cookies for 'baking day' this Saturday. :) Yay!

  7. I was out buying Christmas presents on amazon for myself, and I just had to preorder your book. I tell you this not to brown nose, but because I'm uber excited!!!!

    anywho... I cracked up at your response to whoever wants to play bags. I haven't heard of that game before.

    The lady with the grocery sack on her cast tugged at my heart. aw...


    Okay, Mr. Hot-n-Disgusting?? YEAH!!! Do they seriously not think that anyone can see them when they do that???

    I used to work with a woman who was always "put together"...right up to the point where in the middle of a meeting, she'd dig, sniff and flick. sometimes she'd do it with her pencil. And we'd all be sitting there aghast.

    And let me tell you, her ear wax ALWAYS tasted horrible.

    And...I'd totally be into virtual scrotum tossing...or something similar. But, recently with all of that holiday cheer being blown up my ass, I'm feeling more like partaking in scrotum "kicking". So, my victims might appreciate the virtual version if there's one.

    I'm with you on the blasted Christmas cards. I would rather munch on fire crackers.



  9. How appropriate that Mrs. and Mr. Riley are writing each other notes on WORKING ASSets paper!

  10. How did I know that was coming?
    You are priceless, Jess. That needs to be on a commercial for that credit card company. I'd like to send a big ol' wiener pic to mine!

  11. You indicated that your demand in the note was not met. I am curious to know if Mr. Riley's demand in his response in the note was met?


    And yes, I still have plump and tingly lips, thankyouverymuchgirlfriend!

  12. Your note exchange with Mr. Riley just about had me spewing water all over my monitor.

    And hey, I always ask the same sorts of questions of the other commuters on MY ride home. It's an epidemic of braking!

  13. excessive braking goes along with talking on the cell phone while driving 30 miles under the speed limit.

  14. And here I'd managed to suppress all knowledge of Unskinny Bop for nearly 20 years. Oh THANK you so much.....

  15. Playing "bags." I didn't know that wha the young folks were calling "it" these days. ;)

    Also? I once saw a guy eat what he'd just dug out of his ears... SO gross.

  16. Anonymous12:04 PM

    Okay...you just made my day with that list. "Bags" doesn't sound like a game to me. It sounds like an affliction of the eyes after a night of too much Chardonnay. Not that I'd know or anything...


  17. A 900 dollar penny?! What the hell? Is it made out of gemstones?

  18. Dude, this is the best post I've read in a long time. The "Dear Drivers" and "Dear WTCX" are my personal favourites.

  19. Jess,

    My Christmas cards are still in the box and the box is still taped up. I have to be honest with myself. I don't think I'll ever mail them. Seriously. There's too damn much else to do.

  20. Seeing as you endorsed those cookies, I just might try them. I'm very wary of an untried recipe. Is it worth my time and effort??? Impossible to tell. But these sound good, and I respect Mr. Brown.

    I liked your list. ;)

  21. I'm a little concerned over how much detail Mr. Riley put into his drawing. I can't honestly say I've ever drawn a picture of junk in my entire life and yet his seems so... um, practiced?

  22. You have the best attitude! Thanks for the laughs, my mind may never be the same again.

  23. Mr. Riley is randy and needs a spanking! That note was hilarious!

    Oh! And I saw a book today - a man's handbook to being a man - one of the things was "smelling of a finger is something best done discreetly".

  24. You have been tagged, Jess.

  25. Betcha Mr. Riley didn't know his note would be pasted on a blog some day (ha!)

    I personally liked the "Drivers why are you braking" addition to your list. I hear my own voice when I read that!

  26. Anonymous10:21 PM

    So glad someone else appreciates the 1938 Christmas Carol, too! I watch the whole damn thing just to see Tiny Tim announce that he'd like to stroke it after seeing the goose.

    "Did that kid just get so excited that he said he'd like to stroke it?"