Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Red Tag Sale

Susan has tagged me. I don’t know how I’m going to top the other time I did the Seven Random Things MEME (which actually turned into thirteen random things the first time I wrote it), because how do you top dino-turd ass bling?

You don’t, that’s how. But I guess if I squint really hard and imagine a world in which it’s possible for me to feel creative a week before Christmas, I would come up with these seven random things about me:

  1. Whenever a digital clock reads 11:11 or 12:34, I make a wish. And then somewhere in Toronto, a kitten dies.
  2. Fake banana flavor anything should not only be outlawed, it should be driven from the farthest reaches of the universe by an angry, shouting mob bearing pitchforks and flaming torches. (Clarence: “I would like … a flaming rum punch!”)
  3. My funny little OCD twitch: I count the edges of things...shapes in rooms, traffic signs, you name it, I’ve probably tried to mentally catalogue and organize it. I usually am unaware that I’m doing it.
  4. Oh! A variant on my OCD. OCD Part Deux: if someone (read: a cruel, cruel life partner) intentionally messes up my eyebrows (to torture me), I must smooth them back to some semblance of order. It is a compulsion. If someone (read: that same cruel, cruel life partner) holds my arms at my sides to prevent me from returning my eyebrows to a state of order, I will turn red and smoke will begin to curl from my ears because if I am unable to smooth my wayward brows back into place, my face might melt and a nuclear warhead in Kansas will become armed. This same compulsion can be applied to straightening pictures that hang slightly askew on the wall, fixing the dog’s hair when ‘someone’ has given her a Mohawk, and arranging a cheese tray for a buffet.
  5. The three wooden reindeer nestled amidst my pre-lit pine swag atop the bookcase to my left were hand-carved by inmates in the prison I used to work at. And yes, Virginia, I got them for cost.
  6. I am a compulsive hangnail puller, picker, and chewer. Scary movie? Terrifying meeting on deck for the day? Contemplation of a world without artisinal cheese? Just go ahead and call me meatball fingers.
  7. When I was seven, what I wanted more than anything in the world was a black and white pinto named … ‘Tip-Tip.’ Later, I would desire a tabby kitten named “Bottom-Bottom,” and a Golden Retriever puppy named “Side-Side.” ... This is actually a bad joke.

Next week, a special holiday treat for you: fall semester student journal entries from Everyone’s Favorite Professor! I can hardly stand it, I’m so excited. In the meantime, I will be figuring out how to use my new iPod and digital camera. (Whee! New-fangled architectural fancy machines!) Also, there are uncorrected galleys of Driving Sideways awaiting proofing on my kitchen table. (I know what some-body will be doing the day after Christmas!)


  1. Everytime I look at a clock in my house it is 12:34. I'm going to start making a wish that I don't keep SEEING THE SAME NUMBERS.

  2. Oh... Poor Toronto Kitties! ~ jb///

  3. Meatball fingers! How do you come up with this material? You're wild, Jess. You worked in a prison? Let's hear about it soon.

    I couldn't wait to see Driving Sideways on Amazon. Whoo Hooo! I love the title and cover and can't wait to order!

  4. And all this time I could have been making wishes and I DID NOT KNOW.

  5. (lz: I'm not intentionally killing the kittens...it's just a side effect of the wish making.)

  6. So very with you on two and four. Four, because my eyebrows are damned unruly, and I work so hard to get them...ruly!

  7. I don't even know why they bother to make banana Popsicles because I've never ever seen anybody eat one. And if you buy the assorted flavor box, they're always the last ones in it and will eventually get so old they turn gummy. Yum.

  8. You know, I'm really desperately terribly awfully busy over the holidays, but if you do feel the need for a fresh set of eyes to proof Driving, I do have a journalism degree and am considered an editor. Really.

    I'm being serious. I'll even pay for you to have it shipped to me.

    I'm not joking. Consider it my gift to you. I'd love to help you out.

    : )


    OH!!! AND REMIND ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE LITTLE THANKYOU GIFT SWISH SENT ME--between the lip plumper from you and the stuff she sent me... OH BOY!!!!

  9. I am soooo excited you have galley copies!! I also hate the banana flavor thing. Loathe it. The eyebrow thing... .hmmm.... you realize now I want to ruffle them.

  10. Once again, you have cracked me up and left me sitting alone laughing. Thank you for that.

    Merry Christmas!

  11. I am with you on 2 and 4, the rest I don't understand. Thanks for the laughs.

  12. Anonymous6:14 PM

    Well...you must have made a wish last weekend because our neighbor ran over one of our kittens. Okay...it's probably not your fault, but I had to say it anyway.


  13. Intrigued by the edge-counting and with you on the meatball fingers (which did not benefit at all by moving to this dry climate).

    Happy holidays Jess!

  14. God love ya, Jess. Thanks for playing along.

    I have meatball fingers sometimes, too. And I count lines in sidewalks, steps I am climbing.....we all have our little OCD moments, huh?

  15. Anonymous12:44 PM

    Dude, I am all about number 6. And a world without artisinal cheese? How can you even SAY such things!

    You worked at a prison? I would love to hear more about this. I think it's great that they carve festive tchotchke. Around here they just pick up trash along the sides of the road.

    Do you torture your life partner back? Because the eyebrow thing calls for retaliation, IMHO.